Desires

I want to have given them Him more than Him having given them to us. 

This is a bit of a revelation I had after reading Katie's blog tonight.  She has had many children (and adults) come through her door and she has poured her life into them with the ultimate goal of giving them Jesus.

My heart desperately wants to adopt.  We are on our 7th foster child.  Five have come in, lived with us, been loved by us, been adopted by us in our hearts though not on paper, and five have left us to go to their forever home.  Two are currently with us now.  There have been 4 particular that have felt like I birthed them myself, in every way but physical.  They feel like they are a part of me, like they truly belong to me and with this family, forever.

But so far, God has only given us the privilege of being a bridge for them.  And this has been hard on my heart.  I am a mom.  I love being a mom.  I love raising children.  I love the process of discipling, nurturing, exhorting them in the Lord.  I love fighting for them.  So, the thought of adopting children out of a system that hinders all these things in their life as they hang in the balance compels me to keep pressing forward. 

Yet, it can be so very frustrating to give so much and to feel like it's a means to no end when every one of them leaves.  I don't want to hear about how I'm planting seeds or that we are making such a difference in their lives or at least we are giving them a wonderful home while they need it.  I know those things are true and I don't discount them, but I still think, what about our hearts? 

Tonight, however, I am reminded that ultimately when theses 7 are gone, and the next one has come and gone, and then the next, and so on, as long as the Lord uses us in this way, will those children, or their parents be any closer to an eternal home with Him because they spent temporary time in our home?

I have to want to give these children Him more than I want Him to give me them.

The Other Side

I've been putting off posting again because I knew I would be writing about him being gone, and frankly I don't want that to be reality.  But it is.  He no longer lives with us.  His sweet, feisty, quick self no longer graces our rooms.  We do miss him so very much.  It is quite different to have a personality like his developing around you day in and day out for a year and then its gone. 

They really can't prepare you for this in foster training.  One can't be prepared to stop being someone's parent when you've spent a year making sure you did everything to the contrary.  And then to know that now, someone else is likely spending time and effort erasing some of those bonds that will forever be in your heart.  Yeah, its gut wrenching. 

Until, the Lord reminds me of His purposes on my life: to participate with Him in planting oaks of righteousness for His glory.  What will J's life look like now?  What will all the prayers I prayed over him mean in the future?  What will your prayers mean for him?  All the times he spent at our church, the testimony of his life, the witness of ours to his family.  What seeds will be watered in their futures because of the past year?  The meager amount of time we gave to him could mean so much to generations to come.  Its overwhelming to think of what good could come out of this temporary aching of our hearts.

I will forever know him as my son.  But, truly he is God's.  As long as God keeps entrusting His to us, we will keep planting seeds, proclaiming that with the Lord comes freedom and joy, all to His glory.

Counting down, Fretfully

We are within the last week of being a full time family to our little guy.  It has been a year.  A year of firsts, a year of celebrations, a year of traditions we have introduced him to, a year of trips together, a year of day in and day out living.  And it comes down to the final week.  How can this be?  How can we willingly and obediently pack him up and send him on his way?  So many foster families have done this, and do this all the time.  But I'm not sure I can.

I really don't understand why God has called us to do this.  We weren't made for this.  This is for someone else.  But here we are.  I hope I never forget every thing he has done that has made me laugh, made my heart love him, or made me feel like a new mom again.  We will continue to foster, somehow, but there will never be another like him.  Three more nights now.  May time stand still....

Blindsided

I've been trying to decide how to post or what to post about the stage we are in with our little guy.  Yesterday marked the 3 week period in which he is scheduled to leave us.  He has been here with us just short of a year and most likely in less than 3 weeks he will be gone.  I have been trying to picture what it will be like in our home without him.  How do we adjust to something like that?  It will be like a death for us and our kids have not had to face something quite like this before.  Little did I know what the Lord was about to allow.

Tuesday morning, a lovely, vibrant, joyful young lady who we knew as Paige met her Savior face to face.  Paige was 20 years old, a student at Appalacian State, and summer intern at our church.  She was an active member in our college program, our youth program, and our children's program; yes all at the same, because that's the kind of person she was.  She radiated life.  No, she was bigger than life, infectious, contagious with goodness and virtue and passion. 

And she wasn't just any amazing young lady.  She was Macie's Paige.  Since the moment they met they were connected in a very special way.  Paige understood Macie in way that few do.  They had connections that I pray the Lord will allow Macie to have again but I can't imagine she ever will.  Paige did things for Macie that we could never thank her enough for.  She knew how to reach Macie.  She knew how to love her so uniquely.  They had so very much in common.  She helped shape her.  I don't know that Macie has ever  loved anyone so wholeheartedly outside of her family like she loved Paige.

I have beautiful pictures of my children and Paige is behind the lens.  And then when I look at the smiles on their faces I know Paige is behind the smiles.

We will always love Paige.  We will always be affected by her. 

 

My Sweet Little Latte

I pray you will know Love.  I pray you will be drawn to His salvation, that you will find His light amidst the darkness your life has known.  I pray His mercy and grace are never far from you and that His purpose for your sweet life are made clear to you at a very young age.  I pray that nothing in your future will hinder his purposes for you.  I pray God will continue to use people to nurture you and to teach you about who He is.

We love you still, and continually.....

Final moments:



  

Images of Our Ministry

These are the images of the ministry God has called us to.  This is why we press on in the face of loss.  We await the beauty of the next child as the current children seem to slip from our grasp.  We long for an adoption to be possible. But God has chosen for us to be a temporary family to children for now.  However, we love them eternally.  They have changed our lives and blessed us so much and I would not change anything. 
These cases aren't closed.  Today they are in my care.  The calendar tells me one thing but it does not rule.  El Elyon, God Most High rules and is trustworthy.  I rest in Him as best I can, as best I know how.  It's all I can do.

Preparing for sorrow while in the sweetness of God

My last post announced the arrival of a little girl.  She stayed with us for 8 weeks and then moved to a different home to be with family.  She was a cute little thing but we all agree that was a tough placement.  Lets just say no sleep and quite a bit of crying.  She left at the beginning of April.

Well, the beginning of May brought us another joy, baby girl L.  She is the most beautiful little baby girl I've ever seen, next to my own of course :).  We are enjoying her thoroughly and growing attached to her in much of the same ways that we have to our little guy who has now been with us for 10 months.

We recently found out that he will be returning home to his birth family and though we are happy that he will be reunited with his God-given parents, it would be a lie to say our hearts aren't breaking.

Throughout our fostering experience people have often commented to us that they don't know how they could foster and then give a child back.  My response has always been that I felt like God would equip us to do whatever He asked of us.  Honestly I never thought He would ask it of us concerning this little guy.  Our hearts are wrapped up in him, why would it be like that if the plan was for him to leave?  But that is the plan.

So we are in the preparing stages.  And God is good.  God is faithful.  He does everything He says for those who obey Him.  He is carrying us and will prove His steadfastness when we are weak and empty.  The ache has begun and I can already sense the intensity of the ensuing heartache as the child I have known as my son moves in with another and I can do nothing but give him back with a smile on my face and a congratulations off my tongue.  It will hurt.  It does hurt and yes, it is hard.  And that's why we need God so desperately.

It's such a sweet place to be, I admit, to need God so strongly.  You know when you hurt so much that all you can do is rest in the one person who can help you and that fact is what soothes you and gives you peace.  God is so sweet to me right now.  So real.  I can only imagine what He is like for those who are going through "real" tragedies, sudden, unexpected and life changing events.

You see, God has shown us much mercy in this.  Even this weekend I heard of a foster family who had a foster son for a year and court suddenly decided he could go home.  That family had no time to tell him goodbye, for in a day he was gone.  Yet, God has allowed us to gradually prepare and continue to treasure every moment with our little guy as this transition approaches.  I'm so very grateful especially for Cody and Macie who love him so dearly.  Cody is still holding on to a hope that things will change and little guy will be with us forever.  Only God knows, but He is fully trustworthy in everything.  Everything.

I hope we all truly grasp that.

New Challenges, New Avenues for love

We have a new one.....of the girly kind :)  She's barely over a month old and all kinds of precious.  So far, having 2 babies isn't so bad....yet.  I haven't been on my own with them yet either, Ha!  Time will tell.

Cody and Macie have been doing a fantastic job, holding her, feeding her, and changing her diapers.  Even little guy wants his hands on her.  Of course, he would claw her if I let him, so mostly he admires her from afar.

She is quickly stealing our hearts.  We are so privileged to be allowed to care for both these beautiful children.  Wish I could see the future.  Wondering if there's pain or joy.  Truly that could be said of every child whether biological or foster.  Shouldn't we all treasure each and every day with our little and not so little ones!!

Raw Emotion

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

For the first time tonight, I listened to our youth at church sing this and I stood in quiet prayer questioning if I was truly ready to surrender all to Him.  Normally I would sing right along, my arms high in the air declaring my desire to give everything to Him in response to everything He's given to me.  Tonight, instead, I questioned if I really could follow through with those words.

Its funny how songs can draw out an allegiance in my soul in theory but when theory is threatened by reality the song is suddenly hard to sing.

Today, after court, we heard the words "Start preparing".  Did God have her say that?  Was that His grace in giving us time to let go?  Or was that her lack of knowledge of the God I serve who can move mountains for those who serve Him.  I can't fathom what His will is, what the future holds for our family and for "little bit's" future.  But I know I love Him and him.  I know I have to give my all to both no matter the outcome.

I ask for your prayers for our family as the road gets bumpy and rough.  May we serve Him with abandonment in response to His fullness and goodness, no matter what He asks of us.

What's it Like to be a Foster Parent?

Depends on what day you ask.....

Most days I have no idea what it's like to be a foster parent.  I wake up to the sounds of my sweet 8 month old cooing, shuffling in his crib.  He starts by scratching the sheet with his nails that I need to trim.  He gabs a bit about his plans for the day.  He plays with the blinds through the slats in his crib. Eventually he gets bored and starts the fuss that draws me or his dad into the room.  Occasionally his brother or "sissy", as she loves to be called, gets first grabs at his fresh cuteness and our day with him begins. 

He plays in his jumper, one of his favorite activities, or sits in his exersaucer and watches us dance together as we get energized for our day.  We all have breakfast, big kids get dressed and do their chores, and he plays for awhile in the floor with his favorite toy--the hippo that throws balls into the air.  He gets sleepy and the argument ensues: who gets to put him down and then who will get to get him up when his nap is done.  The favorite thing is getting him up.  They love walking into his room when he's just waking up.  He always grins really big at the first person he sees and is so sweet just after his nap.  Cody and Macie have gotten in the habit of asking first thing in the morning if they can be the one to get him up after his nap.  So sweet.  He has at least 2 naps a day so this discussion happens often.

He has lived with us for 5 mos.  They are still in the honeymoon phase.

The pattern I described above continues throughout the day.  When he's not napping he's sitting with us at the table as we work through school.  If we are all in the den watching tv, there he is in the midst of us.  I'm his mom.  Jeff's his dad.  Cody's his brother.  Macie's his sissy.  We aren't his foster family.

Then there's those days. Visitation days.  Court days.  DSS appointment days.  Days we are all reminded that he belongs to someone else and that one day he may no longer sleep in that crib and play with those blinds.  That's when I'm reminded what its like to be a foster parent.

There's not much great to being a foster parent.  But there's a whole lot of great to loving a child in the gap that someone has left.  This chunky little 8 month old has gaps in his life he shouldn't have and God is allowing us to fill them.  And this little 8 month old is filling gaps we have, and God is allowing that for this time period. 

I don't know how long God will continue to allow these things.  I hope for our lifetimes.  We aren't his foster family.  We don't want to be known as his foster family.  We are his family as much as a family can be.  We long for that to be true in every sense that it can be.  And so we just continue to be his.

A Smack in the Face, One I'm Thankful for

I've recently finished reading Kisses from Katie, the book, not the blog, but you should check them both out! Today I'm going to comment on a statement from her book and my next post will be on a comment from her last post which you can read by clinking on link.

Katie is one of those who figured it out before any time was wasted.  God spoke to heart and she wasn't too busy, too self centered, or too focused on worldly things to miss it.  And now at 22 years old she's right in midst of His work, His miracles, His glory.  I can't help but envy it.

Don't get me wrong.  God's work, God's miracles, and God's glory is all around me.  But I have to work super hard to not miss it.  I have to fight my way through America's overindulgence which I have let overcome me for far too long to make sure I see it and that I participate in it.  It's hard to give Him my full attention.  Reading her experiences reminded me of this. 

But, that's not what this post is about.  :)

Her rich, confronting statement was this:  "Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child."           

Whoa.

There's so much wisdom in those words.  She made the statement in the context of  loving girls who have never known love, don't know how to accept love, and don't know how to trust.  I think it rings true when you are trying to love anyone who doesn't understand your authority or how to submit and trust.

If my kids can't see Christ in me why would I expect them to respond like Christ?  Its so easy to show Christ when I'm content, when I have my students over, when I'm involved in some church activity, etc.  But what about when they tick me off, when they push that last button, when they clearly have no respect for who I am in their lives and they forget all I have done for them, all I've given up for them, all I've suffered for their good.

Hmmmm, sounds so familiar doesn't it?  Like a little bit of the story of Christ?  How quick I am to forget all He's done, all He's given up for me, all He has suffered for my good, yet His love is steadfast.  His forgiveness, grace and mercy is inexhaustible. 

I get her statement.  Christ incarnated in me is the only hope of incarnating Christ in my children.  I need this reminder moment by moment.  I'm grateful God confronted me with it.