My head has hung low lately.
I am burdened more than I knew but I feel the weight of it today. Please indulge me as I lay my burdens out before you.
I'm tired, not just physically, but in every other way. Emotionally I am struggling as day in and day out, I play this game of loving and providing for kids that want to be somewhere else, and never fail to remind me of the fact. I ride the coaster that takes me up and down and leaves me confused and dazed. Where will we be when this is over? Soaring high on the wings of a God who allowed us to be used in the lives of others? Or treading through the valley of emptiness as our 6 returns to 4?
Emotionally I am struggling as one of my dearest friends, my "Jonathan" of 1 Samuel 18, has just learned that the Sarcoma that almost took her life as a teen has most likely returned. Why God? Yes, I ask why, though I know it is to bring Him glory. And I know if anyone will glorify God in everything it is this friend.
I struggle with the lack of freedom I feel right now as the demands of my daughter keep me tied to her side, if not physically, mentally. I am weary of trying to convince her that she is okay whether she can see me or not. And that her dad is just as wonderful as any parent can be and He is sufficient for her if I'm unavailable. This is all my flesh as I desire that freedom back. I know I just need to love her through this. But, I am tired. I've got 2 kids who want their "real" mom and one kid who is suffocating me. Where's the balance?
I struggle with feeling, at one moment, so incredibly thankful for the role God has given me as a mom of one child, let alone 4. But, at the next moment I'm grieved over the sacrifices that are demanded of me as I give all I've got to this calling. I know so many moms feel the same way.
And I'm struggling spiritually. I'm confused by the things that my heart desires. Things that I know are led by the Lord, yet I'm alone in it. It's not what Jeff wants. We are one flesh and we try to live that out. So why are we divided in this matter?
I'm praying God redirects me or gives Jeff the same calling. I need some clarity. I'm praying God would purge me of me. That's a scary prayer. I've never known Jeff to do anything out of selfish ambition. I, on the other hand, am very good at making things happen for myself. This is a situation that I truly need to get out of the way and see what GOD wants. But, its a struggle.
So I start my time in the word today with Psalm 3. I walk around lately with my head down heavy with the weight on my shoulders. Then God speaks vs 3 right to me:
"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head"
I realize God lifts my head by taking the weight off and carrying it for me. The struggles are still there but they are on His shoulders and I'm in His hands. And for that I rest in Him.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
small summary of happenings
Well, the past two nights have been rough at the Hudler house. The first of the two I had a migraine and Macie had the stomach bug, aka the devil. Last night Cody kept me up with bad dreams all. night. long.. I could literally lay my head down on this keyboard and be fast asleep. But then what would the rest of my household do for the day?
We have had several highlights over the past couple of weeks. Cody's basketball season is almost over and it has ended on a high. At the last game of the regular season Cody scored his first shot of the season and everyone celebrated with him which blesses me so much. He is one of youngest and newest on the team so he has had minimal playing time. We weren't sure he would have a chance to score so it was exciting to end the season that way. The next weekend was the conference tournament. Oh, I forgot to mention that his team won the conference season.
In the first game of the tournament Cody not only scored one shot, but two, and the 2nd was a 3 pointer! It pretty much made his season! They came in 2nd in the Tournament and this weekend is the state tournament.
Another blessing was having the Romania team in town. We were able to spend several days visiting with the missionary who we, our church, work with in Romania and a few of the translators. Macie and I are already in the mindset of missions work. Jeff is going to Romania to serve this summer. And now, even Cody, who never wants to leave home, is talking about his desire to go there sometime. This is answered prayer for me as God draws my heart closer and closer to missions. That's another blog for another day :)
Lastly, Macie has been doing much better in her comfort level regarding being away from me and being involved in other things. I will be leaving town this weekend for 2 nights and I know she is very anxious about it. If you care to, pray for her to be comforted while we are apart.
That's all folks! Praise to God for His goodness!
We have had several highlights over the past couple of weeks. Cody's basketball season is almost over and it has ended on a high. At the last game of the regular season Cody scored his first shot of the season and everyone celebrated with him which blesses me so much. He is one of youngest and newest on the team so he has had minimal playing time. We weren't sure he would have a chance to score so it was exciting to end the season that way. The next weekend was the conference tournament. Oh, I forgot to mention that his team won the conference season.
In the first game of the tournament Cody not only scored one shot, but two, and the 2nd was a 3 pointer! It pretty much made his season! They came in 2nd in the Tournament and this weekend is the state tournament.
Another blessing was having the Romania team in town. We were able to spend several days visiting with the missionary who we, our church, work with in Romania and a few of the translators. Macie and I are already in the mindset of missions work. Jeff is going to Romania to serve this summer. And now, even Cody, who never wants to leave home, is talking about his desire to go there sometime. This is answered prayer for me as God draws my heart closer and closer to missions. That's another blog for another day :)
Lastly, Macie has been doing much better in her comfort level regarding being away from me and being involved in other things. I will be leaving town this weekend for 2 nights and I know she is very anxious about it. If you care to, pray for her to be comforted while we are apart.
That's all folks! Praise to God for His goodness!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
High/Low catch up time :)
Well I've learned that there are people who read this blog that I had no idea were doing so. Thank you for everyone who cares enough about my family and I to check out whats going on in our lives. You bless us!
So this week has had some rough moments and I have pouted a lot over them, which is why I haven't posted in a few days. There have been many highs, but let's face it, I am a pouter and so some times I just need some time.
I think I'll start with the Lows....get 'em over with. I thought about leaving them out but what good would it do to hold back? Save face? I don't want to be a complainer, I have to fight that. But, I do want you to know that I struggle, and that God carries me just as He would carry you when you struggle. So here they go....
Back in March of '10 Macie came down with the stomach bug. She was only really sick for one day and then kinda week the next. But for several weeks after that she just seemed to be declining in her health. She couldn't sleep at night without stomach pains. She wasn't eating right or using the bathroom as normal. She wasn't getting her school work done. She was having headaches. It was strange. Some days would be fine and others rough. It culminated to a fever, vomiting, and vision changes. At first her depth perception was off. The final clincher was development of double vision. At that point, a Sunday, she couldn't see right, she couldn't eat and she couldn't use the bathroom. (pause)
.....gosh, just typing this brings back such scary feelings I had over the health of my daughter....
(resume)
So, off to the hospital we go. Long story short, after a week long visit, and many tests and yucky procedures, she was officially diagnosed with spinal meningitis. This was actually quite a relief since before it was all over they had tested her for leukemia. You never want to hear that your child is gonna be tested for cancer. Never. But oh, praise God, He spared her and us of such a horror. I continue to give thanks for that.
Because of our great relief in the diagnosis once we got our baby home and she was back to herself, we were able to move right on with life. Well, not all of us.
Since then, Macie has been more needed in the areas of bedtime, and separation from us. It took us a long time to understand why she had been struggling but finally the puzzle pieces have started coming together. I believe she was greatly wounded emotionally, psychologically, etc. from that rough experience.
Macie is a tough girl. If you know her personally I feel sure you would agree that she is not like most girls. I think we expected her to move on as we did, though I'm not sure why.
One of the things I hate the most about parenting and really life in general is that moment when you have been handling something in the wrong way but didn't know it and then you just feel like a big 'ole fool.
This week, that's where I've been. I wish had more wisdom. I wish I could spare the heartache I cause by letting my flesh rule when my heart knows better.
Over the past few days Macie has struggled terribly with her emotions. And while she has struggled, I have just grown bitter with frustration over the feeling of bondage as a parent. Feeling like I can't make plans in fear of them being ruined, or missing out something special. This is not an easy confession but I lay it out there to remind myself that it is not my job to be entertained. It is not my place to expect everything to work out in my favor. And its not okay for me to be so self centered that I miss the hurt in my child.
Lord, forgive me.
Friends, Christ laid it all on the cross. Philippians tells us that Christ emptied Himself for our sake, giving up every right He had as God in the flesh so that we would have everything.
And, here I am frustrated with my child who just needs me near b/c I will be inconvenienced. What kind of example am I to her. Because that is not Christ. She has not seen Him in me and that's what breaks my heart. If I desire anything in life it's for others to look at me and see Him instead.
So I'm praying that I will be able to die to self, crucify the flesh, carry my cross in self abandonment as Christ does His work in me.
Ok.
I know this is really long already so I'm listing my High's briefly:
1. Cody's team won a very important game placing them as the number 1 seed. Go Eagles!
2. Our youth meeting on Wed. bless me so much as almost my entire class sat around the table, Bibles in hand, listening to the Word of God. Gold.
3. Spontaneously on Thursday I was able to work out a time to hang out with one of my dearest friends Jessica. Jessica is who I want to be when I grow up. We had a sweet time of conversation and she reminded me, again, of why knowing and following Christ is the ride of your life. Don't Miss It!!!!
4. Friday, my Macie insisted on having a playdate with a beautiful little girl who happens to belong to said Jess from #3. What's so cool about it is that this girl is several years younger than Macie. Do you know many 9 1/2 year olds that plan playdates like that? And they so enjoyed each other!
5. Then on Sat. my Grace came and encouraged me to no end. She is my friend who secretly is actually my little sister. I haven't found the paperwork but I know its true.
And last but not least...
6. Jennifer Mashburn. If you don't already know her, I'm sorry, because you are missing out. Enough said :)
So this week has had some rough moments and I have pouted a lot over them, which is why I haven't posted in a few days. There have been many highs, but let's face it, I am a pouter and so some times I just need some time.
I think I'll start with the Lows....get 'em over with. I thought about leaving them out but what good would it do to hold back? Save face? I don't want to be a complainer, I have to fight that. But, I do want you to know that I struggle, and that God carries me just as He would carry you when you struggle. So here they go....
Back in March of '10 Macie came down with the stomach bug. She was only really sick for one day and then kinda week the next. But for several weeks after that she just seemed to be declining in her health. She couldn't sleep at night without stomach pains. She wasn't eating right or using the bathroom as normal. She wasn't getting her school work done. She was having headaches. It was strange. Some days would be fine and others rough. It culminated to a fever, vomiting, and vision changes. At first her depth perception was off. The final clincher was development of double vision. At that point, a Sunday, she couldn't see right, she couldn't eat and she couldn't use the bathroom. (pause)
.....gosh, just typing this brings back such scary feelings I had over the health of my daughter....
(resume)
So, off to the hospital we go. Long story short, after a week long visit, and many tests and yucky procedures, she was officially diagnosed with spinal meningitis. This was actually quite a relief since before it was all over they had tested her for leukemia. You never want to hear that your child is gonna be tested for cancer. Never. But oh, praise God, He spared her and us of such a horror. I continue to give thanks for that.
Because of our great relief in the diagnosis once we got our baby home and she was back to herself, we were able to move right on with life. Well, not all of us.
Since then, Macie has been more needed in the areas of bedtime, and separation from us. It took us a long time to understand why she had been struggling but finally the puzzle pieces have started coming together. I believe she was greatly wounded emotionally, psychologically, etc. from that rough experience.
Macie is a tough girl. If you know her personally I feel sure you would agree that she is not like most girls. I think we expected her to move on as we did, though I'm not sure why.
One of the things I hate the most about parenting and really life in general is that moment when you have been handling something in the wrong way but didn't know it and then you just feel like a big 'ole fool.
This week, that's where I've been. I wish had more wisdom. I wish I could spare the heartache I cause by letting my flesh rule when my heart knows better.
Over the past few days Macie has struggled terribly with her emotions. And while she has struggled, I have just grown bitter with frustration over the feeling of bondage as a parent. Feeling like I can't make plans in fear of them being ruined, or missing out something special. This is not an easy confession but I lay it out there to remind myself that it is not my job to be entertained. It is not my place to expect everything to work out in my favor. And its not okay for me to be so self centered that I miss the hurt in my child.
Lord, forgive me.
Friends, Christ laid it all on the cross. Philippians tells us that Christ emptied Himself for our sake, giving up every right He had as God in the flesh so that we would have everything.
And, here I am frustrated with my child who just needs me near b/c I will be inconvenienced. What kind of example am I to her. Because that is not Christ. She has not seen Him in me and that's what breaks my heart. If I desire anything in life it's for others to look at me and see Him instead.
So I'm praying that I will be able to die to self, crucify the flesh, carry my cross in self abandonment as Christ does His work in me.
Ok.
I know this is really long already so I'm listing my High's briefly:
1. Cody's team won a very important game placing them as the number 1 seed. Go Eagles!
2. Our youth meeting on Wed. bless me so much as almost my entire class sat around the table, Bibles in hand, listening to the Word of God. Gold.
3. Spontaneously on Thursday I was able to work out a time to hang out with one of my dearest friends Jessica. Jessica is who I want to be when I grow up. We had a sweet time of conversation and she reminded me, again, of why knowing and following Christ is the ride of your life. Don't Miss It!!!!
4. Friday, my Macie insisted on having a playdate with a beautiful little girl who happens to belong to said Jess from #3. What's so cool about it is that this girl is several years younger than Macie. Do you know many 9 1/2 year olds that plan playdates like that? And they so enjoyed each other!
5. Then on Sat. my Grace came and encouraged me to no end. She is my friend who secretly is actually my little sister. I haven't found the paperwork but I know its true.
And last but not least...
6. Jennifer Mashburn. If you don't already know her, I'm sorry, because you are missing out. Enough said :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
high/low Tuesday
High:
#1 Classical, a homeschooling program we are a part of, went especially well today. I normally have 5- 4yr old boys. It can be quite interesting some weeks. Two of them were out today so I knew we would have a lot of extra time to fill which can be a bad thing. Trying to keep them happy and entertained is already challenging so I had my concerns this morning.
To my surprise we filled the time up perfectly with little effort and happy boys. I also happen to have really good moms in there with me as well :) It is such a blessing to be a part of a student's learning, seeing him/her gain knowledge and to grow through that learning. It's a treat to me!
Homeschooling is fantastic for so many reasons but to witness firsthand the establishment of knowledge and eventually wisdom is definitely one of the highlights!
#2 Woke up without headache or tummy ache. Yay!
Low:
Struggling a bit today with fostering. In so many cases children in foster care do not know the love of their original family. They are removed because of the effects that lack of love is having or the damage its causing. The 2 little ones we are fostering have a very loving family. Obviously, there have been problems or they wouldn't be with us. But, it is not because they are unloved.
Can't say much about the situation as confidentiality is a must. However, my struggle today has been knowing that we so badly want to add to our family, bring at least one more child into our home to raise, to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We entered into to this process with those hopes.
Well, that's not the case here.
We are so very thankful these guys have a loving family waiting to be reunited with them. And, we are encouraging their relationship as much as possible. But, in the end, we are still the same, a family of four. Is this what God has for us? And if so, why the burning hole in my heart for more? Why am I not content?
So, just wondering today, as on many days, what the future holds. Praying God will fill the void or move us forward, either in His timing and His will.
#1 Classical, a homeschooling program we are a part of, went especially well today. I normally have 5- 4yr old boys. It can be quite interesting some weeks. Two of them were out today so I knew we would have a lot of extra time to fill which can be a bad thing. Trying to keep them happy and entertained is already challenging so I had my concerns this morning.
To my surprise we filled the time up perfectly with little effort and happy boys. I also happen to have really good moms in there with me as well :) It is such a blessing to be a part of a student's learning, seeing him/her gain knowledge and to grow through that learning. It's a treat to me!
Homeschooling is fantastic for so many reasons but to witness firsthand the establishment of knowledge and eventually wisdom is definitely one of the highlights!
#2 Woke up without headache or tummy ache. Yay!
Low:
Struggling a bit today with fostering. In so many cases children in foster care do not know the love of their original family. They are removed because of the effects that lack of love is having or the damage its causing. The 2 little ones we are fostering have a very loving family. Obviously, there have been problems or they wouldn't be with us. But, it is not because they are unloved.
Can't say much about the situation as confidentiality is a must. However, my struggle today has been knowing that we so badly want to add to our family, bring at least one more child into our home to raise, to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We entered into to this process with those hopes.
Well, that's not the case here.
We are so very thankful these guys have a loving family waiting to be reunited with them. And, we are encouraging their relationship as much as possible. But, in the end, we are still the same, a family of four. Is this what God has for us? And if so, why the burning hole in my heart for more? Why am I not content?
So, just wondering today, as on many days, what the future holds. Praying God will fill the void or move us forward, either in His timing and His will.
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