High/Low catch up time :)

Well I've learned that there are people who read this blog that I had no idea were doing so. Thank you for everyone who cares enough about my family and I to check out whats going on in our lives. You bless us!

So this week has had some rough moments and I have pouted a lot over them, which is why I haven't posted in a few days. There have been many highs, but let's face it, I am a pouter and so some times I just need some time.

I think I'll start with the Lows....get 'em over with. I thought about leaving them out but what good would it do to hold back? Save face? I don't want to be a complainer, I have to fight that. But, I do want you to know that I struggle, and that God carries me just as He would carry you when you struggle. So here they go....

Back in March of '10 Macie came down with the stomach bug. She was only really sick for one day and then kinda week the next. But for several weeks after that she just seemed to be declining in her health. She couldn't sleep at night without stomach pains. She wasn't eating right or using the bathroom as normal. She wasn't getting her school work done. She was having headaches. It was strange. Some days would be fine and others rough. It culminated to a fever, vomiting, and vision changes. At first her depth perception was off. The final clincher was development of double vision. At that point, a Sunday, she couldn't see right, she couldn't eat and she couldn't use the bathroom. (pause)

.....gosh, just typing this brings back such scary feelings I had over the health of my daughter....

(resume)

So, off to the hospital we go. Long story short, after a week long visit, and many tests and yucky procedures, she was officially diagnosed with spinal meningitis. This was actually quite a relief since before it was all over they had tested her for leukemia. You never want to hear that your child is gonna be tested for cancer. Never. But oh, praise God, He spared her and us of such a horror. I continue to give thanks for that.

Because of our great relief in the diagnosis once we got our baby home and she was back to herself, we were able to move right on with life. Well, not all of us.

Since then, Macie has been more needed in the areas of bedtime, and separation from us. It took us a long time to understand why she had been struggling but finally the puzzle pieces have started coming together. I believe she was greatly wounded emotionally, psychologically, etc. from that rough experience.

Macie is a tough girl. If you know her personally I feel sure you would agree that she is not like most girls. I think we expected her to move on as we did, though I'm not sure why.

One of the things I hate the most about parenting and really life in general is that moment when you have been handling something in the wrong way but didn't know it and then you just feel like a big 'ole fool.

This week, that's where I've been. I wish had more wisdom. I wish I could spare the heartache I cause by letting my flesh rule when my heart knows better.

Over the past few days Macie has struggled terribly with her emotions. And while she has struggled, I have just grown bitter with frustration over the feeling of bondage as a parent. Feeling like I can't make plans in fear of them being ruined, or missing out something special. This is not an easy confession but I lay it out there to remind myself that it is not my job to be entertained. It is not my place to expect everything to work out in my favor. And its not okay for me to be so self centered that I miss the hurt in my child.

Lord, forgive me.

Friends, Christ laid it all on the cross. Philippians tells us that Christ emptied Himself for our sake, giving up every right He had as God in the flesh so that we would have everything.

And, here I am frustrated with my child who just needs me near b/c I will be inconvenienced. What kind of example am I to her. Because that is not Christ. She has not seen Him in me and that's what breaks my heart. If I desire anything in life it's for others to look at me and see Him instead.

So I'm praying that I will be able to die to self, crucify the flesh, carry my cross in self abandonment as Christ does His work in me.

Ok.

I know this is really long already so I'm listing my High's briefly:

1. Cody's team won a very important game placing them as the number 1 seed. Go Eagles!

2. Our youth meeting on Wed. bless me so much as almost my entire class sat around the table, Bibles in hand, listening to the Word of God. Gold.

3. Spontaneously on Thursday I was able to work out a time to hang out with one of my dearest friends Jessica. Jessica is who I want to be when I grow up. We had a sweet time of conversation and she reminded me, again, of why knowing and following Christ is the ride of your life. Don't Miss It!!!!

4. Friday, my Macie insisted on having a playdate with a beautiful little girl who happens to belong to said Jess from #3. What's so cool about it is that this girl is several years younger than Macie. Do you know many 9 1/2 year olds that plan playdates like that? And they so enjoyed each other!

5. Then on Sat. my Grace came and encouraged me to no end. She is my friend who secretly is actually my little sister. I haven't found the paperwork but I know its true.

And last but not least...

6. Jennifer Mashburn. If you don't already know her, I'm sorry, because you are missing out. Enough said :)