Warning: long rant ahead

My head has hung low lately.

I am burdened more than I knew but I feel the weight of it today. Please indulge me as I lay my burdens out before you.

I'm tired, not just physically, but in every other way. Emotionally I am struggling as day in and day out, I play this game of loving and providing for kids that want to be somewhere else, and never fail to remind me of the fact. I ride the coaster that takes me up and down and leaves me confused and dazed. Where will we be when this is over? Soaring high on the wings of a God who allowed us to be used in the lives of others? Or treading through the valley of emptiness as our 6 returns to 4?

Emotionally I am struggling as one of my dearest friends, my "Jonathan" of 1 Samuel 18, has just learned that the Sarcoma that almost took her life as a teen has most likely returned. Why God? Yes, I ask why, though I know it is to bring Him glory. And I know if anyone will glorify God in everything it is this friend.

I struggle with the lack of freedom I feel right now as the demands of my daughter keep me tied to her side, if not physically, mentally. I am weary of trying to convince her that she is okay whether she can see me or not. And that her dad is just as wonderful as any parent can be and He is sufficient for her if I'm unavailable. This is all my flesh as I desire that freedom back. I know I just need to love her through this. But, I am tired. I've got 2 kids who want their "real" mom and one kid who is suffocating me. Where's the balance?

I struggle with feeling, at one moment, so incredibly thankful for the role God has given me as a mom of one child, let alone 4. But, at the next moment I'm grieved over the sacrifices that are demanded of me as I give all I've got to this calling. I know so many moms feel the same way.

And I'm struggling spiritually. I'm confused by the things that my heart desires. Things that I know are led by the Lord, yet I'm alone in it. It's not what Jeff wants. We are one flesh and we try to live that out. So why are we divided in this matter?

I'm praying God redirects me or gives Jeff the same calling. I need some clarity. I'm praying God would purge me of me. That's a scary prayer. I've never known Jeff to do anything out of selfish ambition. I, on the other hand, am very good at making things happen for myself. This is a situation that I truly need to get out of the way and see what GOD wants. But, its a struggle.

So I start my time in the word today with Psalm 3. I walk around lately with my head down heavy with the weight on my shoulders. Then God speaks vs 3 right to me:

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head"

I realize God lifts my head by taking the weight off and carrying it for me. The struggles are still there but they are on His shoulders and I'm in His hands. And for that I rest in Him.