Being Restored

I've never wanted a new year to come as much as I've wanted this one.  I couldn't be happier that it's here.  This past year brought trials and sufferings that affected me so profoundly.  It has been such a scary place, an unfamiliar place, a place I don't ever want to be in again, though I know I'm not immune to it.  I've not been able to write much about my experiences because it has been so burdensome and painful to ponder on.  To put it on "paper" brings it to life again and I want to make it all non-existent as if the past 6 months never happened.

Anticipating, daily, the ensuing separation from our (foster) son J was a much harder journey than I imagined it to be.  We tried to transition him out of our home in stages to help with the change but even still it was torture to my heart.  I wanted to trust God fully with our future, J's future, our ability to handle such a change, such a loss.  I questioned God on how Cody and Macie would deal with losing a sibling they loved so dearly but I knew He was capable of meeting all our needs and I felt safe in Him.  Safe.

But our nightmare came 3 weeks early, only it came in a different package.  I remember getting the news.  The cold lobby.  The winged back chair I fell into.  Our children's minister standing by me as I questioned "How will they face losing both J and Paige?"  I felt as if I couldn't breathe.  Her sister, one of my closest friends, was literally across the world and I desperately wanted to get to her.  It felt like I had been running a treacherous race and had suddenly hit a brick wall.  And it took the life out of me.  It really did.

Safe.  I want to feel that again.

Rest.  I want to know it again.

Paige was more to me than I even knew.  Isn't it funny what death teaches you.  Why can't life teach us as much?  Even concerning Christ, it took His death to reach people.  I would give anything to have Paige back, to put a big red bow on her hat head and have her at the foot of Macie's bed when she wakes up in the morning.  But Paige would never come.  Even for her mom and dad, Seth, Anne, my sweet GK or my Macie, she would not consider for a second leaving the presence of her Savior. She is in eternal fellowship with Him.

And J is with the ones God intended for him.  He ordained it that way.  And I'm okay with it but my heart loves him so.  Always.

And we keep on.  I have the reference Isaiah 61:1-3 tattooed on my wrist.  It reminds me that I have a job to do.  The Lord has called our family to testify that He binds the brokenhearted, sets the captives free and gives liberty to prisoners.

We are mostly likely saying bye to another foster child any day now.  Another one I don't want to lose.  But with every one that comes and goes we are planting His love, our love. We are fulfilling that scripture.

I am still weak from life's events.  I force myself to spend time in His word.  I used to get really excited about it.  I'm barely teaching anymore.  I use to go crazy if I wasn't teaching, refusing to take breaks.  I'm trying to figure out what to do with this brokenness that has settled in my spirit.

The one thing I know is that God is tenderly caressing my broken heart.  Its tangible to me.  He calls me daily to His presence.  He is my Abba, Daddy.  And He does bring safety.  He does provide rest.  I know it will come.

I changed this summer.  Life does that to you.  But God did not change.  He never does.  And the wonderful thing about Him is.....He restores :)