A lot has happened since my last post. I really should update more often : /. Baby C, who we had for 3 months, left us to go live with family. We knew from the start that the plan for him was short term for us. It doesn't matter. When a child lives with you and you are their caregiver in the full sense of the word just as any parent is to any child, and then one day they are gone, and you no longer take care of them, and just like that it ends. Your heart breaks.
But God, and experience, has taught us how to love and let go. Its not a place I enjoy, I'm the first to admit. And even still, its not a place I want to continue in. Technically we have had 10 foster children in under 3 years. Sweet Girl S has been with us since Aug. She came at a time when our hearts were literally shattered in the wake of great loss and she has brought us immense joy. To say we don't want to lose her is the greatest understatement of the year. But, yet again, the plan is for this one to leave too.
We had a sweet 4 year old that needed a place to stay for the night while his extended family came to get him after a very difficult day he had. He and Cody spent the evening playing Xbox and I spent the wee hours of the night introducing him to God who was protecting him while his family couldn't. He said he'd not heard of angels or Jesus before :(. Hopefully we planted a seed.
And now we have one of the sweetest baby girls, in my opinion, that we've ever had-baby A. I think she has won me over quicker than any before. She and another sweet girl came to our home on the same day; yep! two babies on the same day! However, because of some special needs that this one has, we decided that the other baby needed to be placed in a different home so we could fully care for this one and give her our 110%. It became clear quickly that it was a smart decision. So, after about a week and 1/2 we were back to two foster children: Sweet Girl S and baby girl A.
We are on that dreaded stretch of counting down our time with S and just beginning our journey with A. What a rollercoaster fostering is. Sometimes I think my heart can't take it anymore. But then I know I just can't stop. To not do what the Lord has so clearly given you as a ministry is worse than to do something painful and to stick with it.
I can't hide that my heart is so very weary. 10 kids and no adoptions. Of course I ask the Lord questions about His plan for us. I cry often over my desires, especially since I'm certain He gave me this one. But I will do everything in my power to obey Him. Because doing His will in His way is the purpose.
Doing His will in His way. This is my purpose.
Every child is so precious and blesses us so very much. That's why we get so attached to them all. And why its so hard to let them go. Fostering allows us to parent many children when so many never get to parent one. For this I give thanks. Jeff and I have, at this point, let 8 children go. But on the flip side we have parented, so far, 12 in our marriage. God has been sweet to us. God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
Being Restored
I've never wanted a new year to come as much as I've wanted this one. I couldn't be happier that it's here. This past year brought trials and sufferings that affected me so profoundly. It has been such a scary place, an unfamiliar place, a place I don't ever want to be in again, though I know I'm not immune to it. I've not been able to write much about my experiences because it has been so burdensome and painful to ponder on. To put it on "paper" brings it to life again and I want to make it all non-existent as if the past 6 months never happened.
Anticipating, daily, the ensuing separation from our (foster) son J was a much harder journey than I imagined it to be. We tried to transition him out of our home in stages to help with the change but even still it was torture to my heart. I wanted to trust God fully with our future, J's future, our ability to handle such a change, such a loss. I questioned God on how Cody and Macie would deal with losing a sibling they loved so dearly but I knew He was capable of meeting all our needs and I felt safe in Him. Safe.
But our nightmare came 3 weeks early, only it came in a different package. I remember getting the news. The cold lobby. The winged back chair I fell into. Our children's minister standing by me as I questioned "How will they face losing both J and Paige?" I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Her sister, one of my closest friends, was literally across the world and I desperately wanted to get to her. It felt like I had been running a treacherous race and had suddenly hit a brick wall. And it took the life out of me. It really did.
Safe. I want to feel that again.
Rest. I want to know it again.
Paige was more to me than I even knew. Isn't it funny what death teaches you. Why can't life teach us as much? Even concerning Christ, it took His death to reach people. I would give anything to have Paige back, to put a big red bow on her hat head and have her at the foot of Macie's bed when she wakes up in the morning. But Paige would never come. Even for her mom and dad, Seth, Anne, my sweet GK or my Macie, she would not consider for a second leaving the presence of her Savior. She is in eternal fellowship with Him.
And J is with the ones God intended for him. He ordained it that way. And I'm okay with it but my heart loves him so. Always.
And we keep on. I have the reference Isaiah 61:1-3 tattooed on my wrist. It reminds me that I have a job to do. The Lord has called our family to testify that He binds the brokenhearted, sets the captives free and gives liberty to prisoners.
We are mostly likely saying bye to another foster child any day now. Another one I don't want to lose. But with every one that comes and goes we are planting His love, our love. We are fulfilling that scripture.
I am still weak from life's events. I force myself to spend time in His word. I used to get really excited about it. I'm barely teaching anymore. I use to go crazy if I wasn't teaching, refusing to take breaks. I'm trying to figure out what to do with this brokenness that has settled in my spirit.
The one thing I know is that God is tenderly caressing my broken heart. Its tangible to me. He calls me daily to His presence. He is my Abba, Daddy. And He does bring safety. He does provide rest. I know it will come.
I changed this summer. Life does that to you. But God did not change. He never does. And the wonderful thing about Him is.....He restores :)
Anticipating, daily, the ensuing separation from our (foster) son J was a much harder journey than I imagined it to be. We tried to transition him out of our home in stages to help with the change but even still it was torture to my heart. I wanted to trust God fully with our future, J's future, our ability to handle such a change, such a loss. I questioned God on how Cody and Macie would deal with losing a sibling they loved so dearly but I knew He was capable of meeting all our needs and I felt safe in Him. Safe.
But our nightmare came 3 weeks early, only it came in a different package. I remember getting the news. The cold lobby. The winged back chair I fell into. Our children's minister standing by me as I questioned "How will they face losing both J and Paige?" I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Her sister, one of my closest friends, was literally across the world and I desperately wanted to get to her. It felt like I had been running a treacherous race and had suddenly hit a brick wall. And it took the life out of me. It really did.
Safe. I want to feel that again.
Rest. I want to know it again.
Paige was more to me than I even knew. Isn't it funny what death teaches you. Why can't life teach us as much? Even concerning Christ, it took His death to reach people. I would give anything to have Paige back, to put a big red bow on her hat head and have her at the foot of Macie's bed when she wakes up in the morning. But Paige would never come. Even for her mom and dad, Seth, Anne, my sweet GK or my Macie, she would not consider for a second leaving the presence of her Savior. She is in eternal fellowship with Him.
And J is with the ones God intended for him. He ordained it that way. And I'm okay with it but my heart loves him so. Always.
And we keep on. I have the reference Isaiah 61:1-3 tattooed on my wrist. It reminds me that I have a job to do. The Lord has called our family to testify that He binds the brokenhearted, sets the captives free and gives liberty to prisoners.
We are mostly likely saying bye to another foster child any day now. Another one I don't want to lose. But with every one that comes and goes we are planting His love, our love. We are fulfilling that scripture.
I am still weak from life's events. I force myself to spend time in His word. I used to get really excited about it. I'm barely teaching anymore. I use to go crazy if I wasn't teaching, refusing to take breaks. I'm trying to figure out what to do with this brokenness that has settled in my spirit.
The one thing I know is that God is tenderly caressing my broken heart. Its tangible to me. He calls me daily to His presence. He is my Abba, Daddy. And He does bring safety. He does provide rest. I know it will come.
I changed this summer. Life does that to you. But God did not change. He never does. And the wonderful thing about Him is.....He restores :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Desires
I want to have given them Him more than Him having given them to us.
This is a bit of a revelation I had after reading Katie's blog tonight. She has had many children (and adults) come through her door and she has poured her life into them with the ultimate goal of giving them Jesus.
My heart desperately wants to adopt. We are on our 7th foster child. Five have come in, lived with us, been loved by us, been adopted by us in our hearts though not on paper, and five have left us to go to their forever home. Two are currently with us now. There have been 4 particular that have felt like I birthed them myself, in every way but physical. They feel like they are a part of me, like they truly belong to me and with this family, forever.
But so far, God has only given us the privilege of being a bridge for them. And this has been hard on my heart. I am a mom. I love being a mom. I love raising children. I love the process of discipling, nurturing, exhorting them in the Lord. I love fighting for them. So, the thought of adopting children out of a system that hinders all these things in their life as they hang in the balance compels me to keep pressing forward.
Yet, it can be so very frustrating to give so much and to feel like it's a means to no end when every one of them leaves. I don't want to hear about how I'm planting seeds or that we are making such a difference in their lives or at least we are giving them a wonderful home while they need it. I know those things are true and I don't discount them, but I still think, what about our hearts?
Tonight, however, I am reminded that ultimately when theses 7 are gone, and the next one has come and gone, and then the next, and so on, as long as the Lord uses us in this way, will those children, or their parents be any closer to an eternal home with Him because they spent temporary time in our home?
I have to want to give these children Him more than I want Him to give me them.
This is a bit of a revelation I had after reading Katie's blog tonight. She has had many children (and adults) come through her door and she has poured her life into them with the ultimate goal of giving them Jesus.
My heart desperately wants to adopt. We are on our 7th foster child. Five have come in, lived with us, been loved by us, been adopted by us in our hearts though not on paper, and five have left us to go to their forever home. Two are currently with us now. There have been 4 particular that have felt like I birthed them myself, in every way but physical. They feel like they are a part of me, like they truly belong to me and with this family, forever.
But so far, God has only given us the privilege of being a bridge for them. And this has been hard on my heart. I am a mom. I love being a mom. I love raising children. I love the process of discipling, nurturing, exhorting them in the Lord. I love fighting for them. So, the thought of adopting children out of a system that hinders all these things in their life as they hang in the balance compels me to keep pressing forward.
Yet, it can be so very frustrating to give so much and to feel like it's a means to no end when every one of them leaves. I don't want to hear about how I'm planting seeds or that we are making such a difference in their lives or at least we are giving them a wonderful home while they need it. I know those things are true and I don't discount them, but I still think, what about our hearts?
Tonight, however, I am reminded that ultimately when theses 7 are gone, and the next one has come and gone, and then the next, and so on, as long as the Lord uses us in this way, will those children, or their parents be any closer to an eternal home with Him because they spent temporary time in our home?
I have to want to give these children Him more than I want Him to give me them.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Other Side
I've been putting off posting again because I knew I would be writing about him being gone, and frankly I don't want that to be reality. But it is. He no longer lives with us. His sweet, feisty, quick self no longer graces our rooms. We do miss him so very much. It is quite different to have a personality like his developing around you day in and day out for a year and then its gone.
They really can't prepare you for this in foster training. One can't be prepared to stop being someone's parent when you've spent a year making sure you did everything to the contrary. And then to know that now, someone else is likely spending time and effort erasing some of those bonds that will forever be in your heart. Yeah, its gut wrenching.
Until, the Lord reminds me of His purposes on my life: to participate with Him in planting oaks of righteousness for His glory. What will J's life look like now? What will all the prayers I prayed over him mean in the future? What will your prayers mean for him? All the times he spent at our church, the testimony of his life, the witness of ours to his family. What seeds will be watered in their futures because of the past year? The meager amount of time we gave to him could mean so much to generations to come. Its overwhelming to think of what good could come out of this temporary aching of our hearts.
I will forever know him as my son. But, truly he is God's. As long as God keeps entrusting His to us, we will keep planting seeds, proclaiming that with the Lord comes freedom and joy, all to His glory.
They really can't prepare you for this in foster training. One can't be prepared to stop being someone's parent when you've spent a year making sure you did everything to the contrary. And then to know that now, someone else is likely spending time and effort erasing some of those bonds that will forever be in your heart. Yeah, its gut wrenching.
Until, the Lord reminds me of His purposes on my life: to participate with Him in planting oaks of righteousness for His glory. What will J's life look like now? What will all the prayers I prayed over him mean in the future? What will your prayers mean for him? All the times he spent at our church, the testimony of his life, the witness of ours to his family. What seeds will be watered in their futures because of the past year? The meager amount of time we gave to him could mean so much to generations to come. Its overwhelming to think of what good could come out of this temporary aching of our hearts.
I will forever know him as my son. But, truly he is God's. As long as God keeps entrusting His to us, we will keep planting seeds, proclaiming that with the Lord comes freedom and joy, all to His glory.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Counting down, Fretfully
We are within the last week of being a full time family to our little guy. It has been a year. A year of firsts, a year of celebrations, a year of traditions we have introduced him to, a year of trips together, a year of day in and day out living. And it comes down to the final week. How can this be? How can we willingly and obediently pack him up and send him on his way? So many foster families have done this, and do this all the time. But I'm not sure I can.
I really don't understand why God has called us to do this. We weren't made for this. This is for someone else. But here we are. I hope I never forget every thing he has done that has made me laugh, made my heart love him, or made me feel like a new mom again. We will continue to foster, somehow, but there will never be another like him. Three more nights now. May time stand still....
I really don't understand why God has called us to do this. We weren't made for this. This is for someone else. But here we are. I hope I never forget every thing he has done that has made me laugh, made my heart love him, or made me feel like a new mom again. We will continue to foster, somehow, but there will never be another like him. Three more nights now. May time stand still....
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Blindsided
I've been trying to decide how to post or what to post about the stage we are in with our little guy. Yesterday marked the 3 week period in which he is scheduled to leave us. He has been here with us just short of a year and most likely in less than 3 weeks he will be gone. I have been trying to picture what it will be like in our home without him. How do we adjust to something like that? It will be like a death for us and our kids have not had to face something quite like this before. Little did I know what the Lord was about to allow.
Tuesday morning, a lovely, vibrant, joyful young lady who we knew as Paige met her Savior face to face. Paige was 20 years old, a student at Appalacian State, and summer intern at our church. She was an active member in our college program, our youth program, and our children's program; yes all at the same, because that's the kind of person she was. She radiated life. No, she was bigger than life, infectious, contagious with goodness and virtue and passion.
And she wasn't just any amazing young lady. She was Macie's Paige. Since the moment they met they were connected in a very special way. Paige understood Macie in way that few do. They had connections that I pray the Lord will allow Macie to have again but I can't imagine she ever will. Paige did things for Macie that we could never thank her enough for. She knew how to reach Macie. She knew how to love her so uniquely. They had so very much in common. She helped shape her. I don't know that Macie has ever loved anyone so wholeheartedly outside of her family like she loved Paige.
I have beautiful pictures of my children and Paige is behind the lens. And then when I look at the smiles on their faces I know Paige is behind the smiles.
We will always love Paige. We will always be affected by her.
Tuesday morning, a lovely, vibrant, joyful young lady who we knew as Paige met her Savior face to face. Paige was 20 years old, a student at Appalacian State, and summer intern at our church. She was an active member in our college program, our youth program, and our children's program; yes all at the same, because that's the kind of person she was. She radiated life. No, she was bigger than life, infectious, contagious with goodness and virtue and passion.
And she wasn't just any amazing young lady. She was Macie's Paige. Since the moment they met they were connected in a very special way. Paige understood Macie in way that few do. They had connections that I pray the Lord will allow Macie to have again but I can't imagine she ever will. Paige did things for Macie that we could never thank her enough for. She knew how to reach Macie. She knew how to love her so uniquely. They had so very much in common. She helped shape her. I don't know that Macie has ever loved anyone so wholeheartedly outside of her family like she loved Paige.
I have beautiful pictures of my children and Paige is behind the lens. And then when I look at the smiles on their faces I know Paige is behind the smiles.
We will always love Paige. We will always be affected by her.
Friday, July 13, 2012
My Sweet Little Latte
I pray you will know Love. I pray you will be drawn to His salvation, that you will find His light amidst the darkness your life has known. I pray His mercy and grace are never far from you and that His purpose for your sweet life are made clear to you at a very young age. I pray that nothing in your future will hinder his purposes for you. I pray God will continue to use people to nurture you and to teach you about who He is.
We love you still, and continually.....
Final moments:
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We love you still, and continually.....
Final moments:
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Monday, July 9, 2012
Images of Our Ministry
These cases aren't closed. Today they are in my care. The calendar tells me one thing but it does not rule. El Elyon, God Most High rules and is trustworthy. I rest in Him as best I can, as best I know how. It's all I can do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Preparing for sorrow while in the sweetness of God
My last post announced the arrival of a little girl. She stayed with us for 8 weeks and then moved to a different home to be with family. She was a cute little thing but we all agree that was a tough placement. Lets just say no sleep and quite a bit of crying. She left at the beginning of April.
Well, the beginning of May brought us another joy, baby girl L. She is the most beautiful little baby girl I've ever seen, next to my own of course :). We are enjoying her thoroughly and growing attached to her in much of the same ways that we have to our little guy who has now been with us for 10 months.
We recently found out that he will be returning home to his birth family and though we are happy that he will be reunited with his God-given parents, it would be a lie to say our hearts aren't breaking.
Throughout our fostering experience people have often commented to us that they don't know how they could foster and then give a child back. My response has always been that I felt like God would equip us to do whatever He asked of us. Honestly I never thought He would ask it of us concerning this little guy. Our hearts are wrapped up in him, why would it be like that if the plan was for him to leave? But that is the plan.
So we are in the preparing stages. And God is good. God is faithful. He does everything He says for those who obey Him. He is carrying us and will prove His steadfastness when we are weak and empty. The ache has begun and I can already sense the intensity of the ensuing heartache as the child I have known as my son moves in with another and I can do nothing but give him back with a smile on my face and a congratulations off my tongue. It will hurt. It does hurt and yes, it is hard. And that's why we need God so desperately.
It's such a sweet place to be, I admit, to need God so strongly. You know when you hurt so much that all you can do is rest in the one person who can help you and that fact is what soothes you and gives you peace. God is so sweet to me right now. So real. I can only imagine what He is like for those who are going through "real" tragedies, sudden, unexpected and life changing events.
You see, God has shown us much mercy in this. Even this weekend I heard of a foster family who had a foster son for a year and court suddenly decided he could go home. That family had no time to tell him goodbye, for in a day he was gone. Yet, God has allowed us to gradually prepare and continue to treasure every moment with our little guy as this transition approaches. I'm so very grateful especially for Cody and Macie who love him so dearly. Cody is still holding on to a hope that things will change and little guy will be with us forever. Only God knows, but He is fully trustworthy in everything. Everything.
I hope we all truly grasp that.
Well, the beginning of May brought us another joy, baby girl L. She is the most beautiful little baby girl I've ever seen, next to my own of course :). We are enjoying her thoroughly and growing attached to her in much of the same ways that we have to our little guy who has now been with us for 10 months.
We recently found out that he will be returning home to his birth family and though we are happy that he will be reunited with his God-given parents, it would be a lie to say our hearts aren't breaking.
Throughout our fostering experience people have often commented to us that they don't know how they could foster and then give a child back. My response has always been that I felt like God would equip us to do whatever He asked of us. Honestly I never thought He would ask it of us concerning this little guy. Our hearts are wrapped up in him, why would it be like that if the plan was for him to leave? But that is the plan.
So we are in the preparing stages. And God is good. God is faithful. He does everything He says for those who obey Him. He is carrying us and will prove His steadfastness when we are weak and empty. The ache has begun and I can already sense the intensity of the ensuing heartache as the child I have known as my son moves in with another and I can do nothing but give him back with a smile on my face and a congratulations off my tongue. It will hurt. It does hurt and yes, it is hard. And that's why we need God so desperately.
It's such a sweet place to be, I admit, to need God so strongly. You know when you hurt so much that all you can do is rest in the one person who can help you and that fact is what soothes you and gives you peace. God is so sweet to me right now. So real. I can only imagine what He is like for those who are going through "real" tragedies, sudden, unexpected and life changing events.
You see, God has shown us much mercy in this. Even this weekend I heard of a foster family who had a foster son for a year and court suddenly decided he could go home. That family had no time to tell him goodbye, for in a day he was gone. Yet, God has allowed us to gradually prepare and continue to treasure every moment with our little guy as this transition approaches. I'm so very grateful especially for Cody and Macie who love him so dearly. Cody is still holding on to a hope that things will change and little guy will be with us forever. Only God knows, but He is fully trustworthy in everything. Everything.
I hope we all truly grasp that.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
New Challenges, New Avenues for love
We have a new one.....of the girly kind :) She's barely over a month old and all kinds of precious. So far, having 2 babies isn't so bad....yet. I haven't been on my own with them yet either, Ha! Time will tell.
Cody and Macie have been doing a fantastic job, holding her, feeding her, and changing her diapers. Even little guy wants his hands on her. Of course, he would claw her if I let him, so mostly he admires her from afar.
She is quickly stealing our hearts. We are so privileged to be allowed to care for both these beautiful children. Wish I could see the future. Wondering if there's pain or joy. Truly that could be said of every child whether biological or foster. Shouldn't we all treasure each and every day with our little and not so little ones!!
Cody and Macie have been doing a fantastic job, holding her, feeding her, and changing her diapers. Even little guy wants his hands on her. Of course, he would claw her if I let him, so mostly he admires her from afar.
She is quickly stealing our hearts. We are so privileged to be allowed to care for both these beautiful children. Wish I could see the future. Wondering if there's pain or joy. Truly that could be said of every child whether biological or foster. Shouldn't we all treasure each and every day with our little and not so little ones!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Raw Emotion
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
For the first time tonight, I listened to our youth at church sing this and I stood in quiet prayer questioning if I was truly ready to surrender all to Him. Normally I would sing right along, my arms high in the air declaring my desire to give everything to Him in response to everything He's given to me. Tonight, instead, I questioned if I really could follow through with those words.
Its funny how songs can draw out an allegiance in my soul in theory but when theory is threatened by reality the song is suddenly hard to sing.
Today, after court, we heard the words "Start preparing". Did God have her say that? Was that His grace in giving us time to let go? Or was that her lack of knowledge of the God I serve who can move mountains for those who serve Him. I can't fathom what His will is, what the future holds for our family and for "little bit's" future. But I know I love Him and him. I know I have to give my all to both no matter the outcome.
I ask for your prayers for our family as the road gets bumpy and rough. May we serve Him with abandonment in response to His fullness and goodness, no matter what He asks of us.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What's it Like to be a Foster Parent?
Depends on what day you ask.....
Most days I have no idea what it's like to be a foster parent. I wake up to the sounds of my sweet 8 month old cooing, shuffling in his crib. He starts by scratching the sheet with his nails that I need to trim. He gabs a bit about his plans for the day. He plays with the blinds through the slats in his crib. Eventually he gets bored and starts the fuss that draws me or his dad into the room. Occasionally his brother or "sissy", as she loves to be called, gets first grabs at his fresh cuteness and our day with him begins.
He plays in his jumper, one of his favorite activities, or sits in his exersaucer and watches us dance together as we get energized for our day. We all have breakfast, big kids get dressed and do their chores, and he plays for awhile in the floor with his favorite toy--the hippo that throws balls into the air. He gets sleepy and the argument ensues: who gets to put him down and then who will get to get him up when his nap is done. The favorite thing is getting him up. They love walking into his room when he's just waking up. He always grins really big at the first person he sees and is so sweet just after his nap. Cody and Macie have gotten in the habit of asking first thing in the morning if they can be the one to get him up after his nap. So sweet. He has at least 2 naps a day so this discussion happens often.
He has lived with us for 5 mos. They are still in the honeymoon phase.
The pattern I described above continues throughout the day. When he's not napping he's sitting with us at the table as we work through school. If we are all in the den watching tv, there he is in the midst of us. I'm his mom. Jeff's his dad. Cody's his brother. Macie's his sissy. We aren't his foster family.
Then there's those days. Visitation days. Court days. DSS appointment days. Days we are all reminded that he belongs to someone else and that one day he may no longer sleep in that crib and play with those blinds. That's when I'm reminded what its like to be a foster parent.
There's not much great to being a foster parent. But there's a whole lot of great to loving a child in the gap that someone has left. This chunky little 8 month old has gaps in his life he shouldn't have and God is allowing us to fill them. And this little 8 month old is filling gaps we have, and God is allowing that for this time period.
I don't know how long God will continue to allow these things. I hope for our lifetimes. We aren't his foster family. We don't want to be known as his foster family. We are his family as much as a family can be. We long for that to be true in every sense that it can be. And so we just continue to be his.
Most days I have no idea what it's like to be a foster parent. I wake up to the sounds of my sweet 8 month old cooing, shuffling in his crib. He starts by scratching the sheet with his nails that I need to trim. He gabs a bit about his plans for the day. He plays with the blinds through the slats in his crib. Eventually he gets bored and starts the fuss that draws me or his dad into the room. Occasionally his brother or "sissy", as she loves to be called, gets first grabs at his fresh cuteness and our day with him begins.
He plays in his jumper, one of his favorite activities, or sits in his exersaucer and watches us dance together as we get energized for our day. We all have breakfast, big kids get dressed and do their chores, and he plays for awhile in the floor with his favorite toy--the hippo that throws balls into the air. He gets sleepy and the argument ensues: who gets to put him down and then who will get to get him up when his nap is done. The favorite thing is getting him up. They love walking into his room when he's just waking up. He always grins really big at the first person he sees and is so sweet just after his nap. Cody and Macie have gotten in the habit of asking first thing in the morning if they can be the one to get him up after his nap. So sweet. He has at least 2 naps a day so this discussion happens often.
He has lived with us for 5 mos. They are still in the honeymoon phase.
The pattern I described above continues throughout the day. When he's not napping he's sitting with us at the table as we work through school. If we are all in the den watching tv, there he is in the midst of us. I'm his mom. Jeff's his dad. Cody's his brother. Macie's his sissy. We aren't his foster family.
Then there's those days. Visitation days. Court days. DSS appointment days. Days we are all reminded that he belongs to someone else and that one day he may no longer sleep in that crib and play with those blinds. That's when I'm reminded what its like to be a foster parent.
There's not much great to being a foster parent. But there's a whole lot of great to loving a child in the gap that someone has left. This chunky little 8 month old has gaps in his life he shouldn't have and God is allowing us to fill them. And this little 8 month old is filling gaps we have, and God is allowing that for this time period.
I don't know how long God will continue to allow these things. I hope for our lifetimes. We aren't his foster family. We don't want to be known as his foster family. We are his family as much as a family can be. We long for that to be true in every sense that it can be. And so we just continue to be his.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A Smack in the Face, One I'm Thankful for
I've recently finished reading Kisses from Katie, the book, not the blog, but you should check them both out! Today I'm going to comment on a statement from her book and my next post will be on a comment from her last post which you can read by clinking on link.
Katie is one of those who figured it out before any time was wasted. God spoke to heart and she wasn't too busy, too self centered, or too focused on worldly things to miss it. And now at 22 years old she's right in midst of His work, His miracles, His glory. I can't help but envy it.
Don't get me wrong. God's work, God's miracles, and God's glory is all around me. But I have to work super hard to not miss it. I have to fight my way through America's overindulgence which I have let overcome me for far too long to make sure I see it and that I participate in it. It's hard to give Him my full attention. Reading her experiences reminded me of this.
But, that's not what this post is about. :)
Her rich, confronting statement was this: "Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child."
Whoa.
There's so much wisdom in those words. She made the statement in the context of loving girls who have never known love, don't know how to accept love, and don't know how to trust. I think it rings true when you are trying to love anyone who doesn't understand your authority or how to submit and trust.
If my kids can't see Christ in me why would I expect them to respond like Christ? Its so easy to show Christ when I'm content, when I have my students over, when I'm involved in some church activity, etc. But what about when they tick me off, when they push that last button, when they clearly have no respect for who I am in their lives and they forget all I have done for them, all I've given up for them, all I've suffered for their good.
Hmmmm, sounds so familiar doesn't it? Like a little bit of the story of Christ? How quick I am to forget all He's done, all He's given up for me, all He has suffered for my good, yet His love is steadfast. His forgiveness, grace and mercy is inexhaustible.
I get her statement. Christ incarnated in me is the only hope of incarnating Christ in my children. I need this reminder moment by moment. I'm grateful God confronted me with it.
Katie is one of those who figured it out before any time was wasted. God spoke to heart and she wasn't too busy, too self centered, or too focused on worldly things to miss it. And now at 22 years old she's right in midst of His work, His miracles, His glory. I can't help but envy it.
Don't get me wrong. God's work, God's miracles, and God's glory is all around me. But I have to work super hard to not miss it. I have to fight my way through America's overindulgence which I have let overcome me for far too long to make sure I see it and that I participate in it. It's hard to give Him my full attention. Reading her experiences reminded me of this.
But, that's not what this post is about. :)
Her rich, confronting statement was this: "Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child."
Whoa.
There's so much wisdom in those words. She made the statement in the context of loving girls who have never known love, don't know how to accept love, and don't know how to trust. I think it rings true when you are trying to love anyone who doesn't understand your authority or how to submit and trust.
If my kids can't see Christ in me why would I expect them to respond like Christ? Its so easy to show Christ when I'm content, when I have my students over, when I'm involved in some church activity, etc. But what about when they tick me off, when they push that last button, when they clearly have no respect for who I am in their lives and they forget all I have done for them, all I've given up for them, all I've suffered for their good.
Hmmmm, sounds so familiar doesn't it? Like a little bit of the story of Christ? How quick I am to forget all He's done, all He's given up for me, all He has suffered for my good, yet His love is steadfast. His forgiveness, grace and mercy is inexhaustible.
I get her statement. Christ incarnated in me is the only hope of incarnating Christ in my children. I need this reminder moment by moment. I'm grateful God confronted me with it.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Hello World, or my local community, I'm Back!
Oh my, it's been too long!
I've had so much I've wanted to share, to voice, to narrate as the story of our lives has unfolded. There has been so much The Lord has been teaching us and doing in us and around us over the past several months. Almost daily I have wanted to sit at this computer and put His actions into words on this screen but it has overwhelmed me to try to paint the picture of His hand for your eye to see.
But I'm now at the point that I feel I'm holding back His glory, His lessons, His purposes, and His faithfulness by keeping it all in and I don't want to hide Him.
So, I will begin to fill you in again, slowly but consistently.
My goal is to at least weekly share with you a bit of what God is sharing with me. If I can bring you up to date on the months that have past most recently I will but I can sum it up even now. God has asked much of us.
We began to foster an infant in Aug. We now love a little boy more than our hearts can stand. He's not ours. Everyday we are faced with the knowledge that he's not ours. People mention how hard it must be to love someone you could very easily lose and they can't imagine signing up for that.
My response is what if Christ had said "No". He knew how hard it would be and how much it would hurt. He knew how much He would lose. He still obeyed.
Yes, we may lose him. Our hearts may break forever and I don't know that we will ever heal from it. But we may not lose him. God may allow him to remain with us. It's the risk we have taken to be obedient to our Sovereign God. I know He's called us to serve in the ways we are capable and providing a stable and loving home are our capabilities so we must do it.
We trust His capability to carry us through.
This weekend our vacuum blew up one day and then the next our water heater busted. We are broke. Even if Christmas hadn't just happened, we would still be broke. So, I convinced Jeff to give it 24 hours to pray to let the Lord show His provision and His faithfulness before we started calling our usual financial helpers.
Within that time both were provided at no cost to us. BOTH. NO COST.
God is real. God is faithful. God is sovereign.
If He cares about little things I know He cares about the big ones.
I've had so much I've wanted to share, to voice, to narrate as the story of our lives has unfolded. There has been so much The Lord has been teaching us and doing in us and around us over the past several months. Almost daily I have wanted to sit at this computer and put His actions into words on this screen but it has overwhelmed me to try to paint the picture of His hand for your eye to see.
But I'm now at the point that I feel I'm holding back His glory, His lessons, His purposes, and His faithfulness by keeping it all in and I don't want to hide Him.
So, I will begin to fill you in again, slowly but consistently.
My goal is to at least weekly share with you a bit of what God is sharing with me. If I can bring you up to date on the months that have past most recently I will but I can sum it up even now. God has asked much of us.
We began to foster an infant in Aug. We now love a little boy more than our hearts can stand. He's not ours. Everyday we are faced with the knowledge that he's not ours. People mention how hard it must be to love someone you could very easily lose and they can't imagine signing up for that.
My response is what if Christ had said "No". He knew how hard it would be and how much it would hurt. He knew how much He would lose. He still obeyed.
Yes, we may lose him. Our hearts may break forever and I don't know that we will ever heal from it. But we may not lose him. God may allow him to remain with us. It's the risk we have taken to be obedient to our Sovereign God. I know He's called us to serve in the ways we are capable and providing a stable and loving home are our capabilities so we must do it.
We trust His capability to carry us through.
This weekend our vacuum blew up one day and then the next our water heater busted. We are broke. Even if Christmas hadn't just happened, we would still be broke. So, I convinced Jeff to give it 24 hours to pray to let the Lord show His provision and His faithfulness before we started calling our usual financial helpers.
Within that time both were provided at no cost to us. BOTH. NO COST.
God is real. God is faithful. God is sovereign.
If He cares about little things I know He cares about the big ones.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Summer Session
My thoughts from our Summer Session reading for today, specifically on
2 Thess. 2:15.
2 Thess. 2:15.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Good Company
1 Corinthians 2:1-5 And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.
Even Paul came in weakness, fear, and in much trembling. Friend, we are in good company. I, too, come trembling at the thought of "proclaiming to you the testimony of God". I mean, really, what do I know? What authority do I have to speak of the things of God? I have no wisdom, no superiority of speech. I'm a simple stay-at-home mom with minimal biblical training, light exposure to missions or evangelism, and very little confidence. Paul speaks of persuasive words of wisdom. I doubt my wisdom has ever persuaded anyone toward anything. But, here's what I do know. I know Christ, I know His death, and I know His resurrection. I know it personally. I know He called to Me, in the deepest part of my heart and since that moment I've not been the same. I know parts of me have died, sinful parts, and I know He's replaced those parts with new life. I know it has been a demonstration of His Spirit and power and it has only required my obedience, which again has been through His power within me. And this testimony of mine, the testimony of God gives your faith something to grab onto.
So, in the weakness of my speech, the absence of my wisdom, and in my trembling, I pray that you will see God.
Many of us feel that we are powerless to make a difference, ill-equipped to be effective in our faith. Paul felt the same way, but He still knew how to accomplish God's plan of reaching others for God's kingdom. Let God do it through you. It was God's power in Paul that would work and will be God's power in you!
Even Paul came in weakness, fear, and in much trembling. Friend, we are in good company. I, too, come trembling at the thought of "proclaiming to you the testimony of God". I mean, really, what do I know? What authority do I have to speak of the things of God? I have no wisdom, no superiority of speech. I'm a simple stay-at-home mom with minimal biblical training, light exposure to missions or evangelism, and very little confidence. Paul speaks of persuasive words of wisdom. I doubt my wisdom has ever persuaded anyone toward anything. But, here's what I do know. I know Christ, I know His death, and I know His resurrection. I know it personally. I know He called to Me, in the deepest part of my heart and since that moment I've not been the same. I know parts of me have died, sinful parts, and I know He's replaced those parts with new life. I know it has been a demonstration of His Spirit and power and it has only required my obedience, which again has been through His power within me. And this testimony of mine, the testimony of God gives your faith something to grab onto.
So, in the weakness of my speech, the absence of my wisdom, and in my trembling, I pray that you will see God.
Many of us feel that we are powerless to make a difference, ill-equipped to be effective in our faith. Paul felt the same way, but He still knew how to accomplish God's plan of reaching others for God's kingdom. Let God do it through you. It was God's power in Paul that would work and will be God's power in you!
Friday, July 22, 2011
God is For You
In case you are feeling a little down, here's a lovely reminder of something incredible today.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Jesus, take the jaw!
I'm just about to head to the dentist with great trepidation in my step. I have had some of the worst pain ever in my jaw since last Wednesday. It has been so bad that at the last minute I backed out of a trip with my students to Daytona, Fl.
If you know me at all, you know that was not an easy thing for me to do.
I'm extremely nervous about the potential pain I'm about to endure so I decided to get Jesus as close to my jaw as possible:
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If you know me at all, you know that was not an easy thing for me to do.
I'm extremely nervous about the potential pain I'm about to endure so I decided to get Jesus as close to my jaw as possible:
Jesus, take the the jaw!
Monday, June 27, 2011
"When People Meet Jesus, Anything can Happen"
The title of this post were the words of my friend and pastor Sunday.
Do you believe them? I do. I really do.
Many things have happened to me since I first met Jesus. However, most of them took root when I truly surrendered to Him and began to desire His actual lordship in my life. Meeting Him and submitting to His lordship are not the same, the scripture makes that clear.
I would like to share some of the things I have experienced as a result of knowing the very Son of the Living God, and the Living God Himself.
Freedom:
Galatians 5:1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
Many people all over the world live in bondage: primarily to sin, but also to their past, to their government, to other religions, to persecution, to ignorance, to guilt, to self-indulgence, to lies, to fear and to many more things that Satan, the enemy, presses down on them.
BUT...In Christ one is freed, forever. All things that bind a person are loosed at the cross.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.
Healing:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Hosea 14:4 I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from them.
Life hurts. People hurt you. Many times I hurt myself. I make stupid decisions based on prideful intentions and I end up with a brokenness that only Christ can mend.
Apostasy means a total desertion from one's religion, principles, or cause. Those prideful moments are moments of apostasy when all my wits exit my head and all I know to be truth is hazed in a fog of self gratification. And what does my Savior do? Well He heals me. He binds my wounds, turns His justified anger from me and loves me through it.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.
Obedience:
Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.
There are times I want to flesh out my anger. There are times I want to quit. There are times I don't want to ask God what He thinks, I just want to do it my way. I don't want to wait. I don't want to accept that role or that responsibility. I want to say what I want no matter who it hurts. I want to do what I want no matter the foolishness in it. I don't always want to see what scripture says, I just want to do it the way everyone else does. But their way is not righteousness. And their way is not freedom. And God's Spirit within me beckons me to the pursuit of Him and so I choose Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Sight:
Psalm 66:5 Come and see the works of God, Who is awesome in His deeds toward the sons of men.
Yes, you can see God when you have met Jesus. I saw Him in my garden this morning. And I saw Him in my son tonight. I see Him often in the sky. This weekend I will see Him in the mountains.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Hearing:
John 10:27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
A relationship with Christ is unlike any other religion in the world. People talk to their gods but their gods don't talk back. Christ lives within me. His Spirit guides me in every way I seek guidance. You just have to pay attention :). I hear Him and it enables me to follow Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Wisdom and Understanding:
Psalm 111:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments.
Obedience pays in dividends of understanding the Creator of all things. Its His gift to His children.
When you meet Jesus.......well......I hope you are getting the picture :)
Authority:
Luke 10:19 Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
Jesus means authority, power, and protection in your life.
Adequacy:
2 Corinthians 3:5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.
Jesus means you are complete.
Strength and Power
Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Jesus means you are strong and can endure.
Renewal:
Colossians 3:10 and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowlede according to the image of the One who created him.
When you meet Jesus, you will meet a new you and you will discover the new you everytime you seek Him, everytime you obey Him, everytime you hear Him, and see Him and then suddenly you will realize He has renewed you!!
Redemption:
Ephesians 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.
Sin has left you abandoned, and death is at your door.....until Jesus, your Redeemer met you at the cross.
Even death is conquered when you meet Jesus.
Hope:
Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.
And His hope does not disappoint.
Peace:
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This world offers you chaos. Christ instills peace. With Him anything is possible.
Courage:
2 Chronicles 15:7 But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.
And waiting for you at the end of the road is the most glorious place you could ever even begin to fathom. We call it heaven. The Bible refers to it as the most Holy of Holies, God's dwelling place. And if you have met Jesus, you will be living there.
When people meet Jesus, anything can happen.
I hope you believe this too!
Do you believe them? I do. I really do.
Many things have happened to me since I first met Jesus. However, most of them took root when I truly surrendered to Him and began to desire His actual lordship in my life. Meeting Him and submitting to His lordship are not the same, the scripture makes that clear.
I would like to share some of the things I have experienced as a result of knowing the very Son of the Living God, and the Living God Himself.
Freedom:
Galatians 5:1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
Many people all over the world live in bondage: primarily to sin, but also to their past, to their government, to other religions, to persecution, to ignorance, to guilt, to self-indulgence, to lies, to fear and to many more things that Satan, the enemy, presses down on them.
BUT...In Christ one is freed, forever. All things that bind a person are loosed at the cross.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.
Healing:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Hosea 14:4 I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from them.
Life hurts. People hurt you. Many times I hurt myself. I make stupid decisions based on prideful intentions and I end up with a brokenness that only Christ can mend.
Apostasy means a total desertion from one's religion, principles, or cause. Those prideful moments are moments of apostasy when all my wits exit my head and all I know to be truth is hazed in a fog of self gratification. And what does my Savior do? Well He heals me. He binds my wounds, turns His justified anger from me and loves me through it.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.
Obedience:
Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.
There are times I want to flesh out my anger. There are times I want to quit. There are times I don't want to ask God what He thinks, I just want to do it my way. I don't want to wait. I don't want to accept that role or that responsibility. I want to say what I want no matter who it hurts. I want to do what I want no matter the foolishness in it. I don't always want to see what scripture says, I just want to do it the way everyone else does. But their way is not righteousness. And their way is not freedom. And God's Spirit within me beckons me to the pursuit of Him and so I choose Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Sight:
Psalm 66:5 Come and see the works of God, Who is awesome in His deeds toward the sons of men.
Yes, you can see God when you have met Jesus. I saw Him in my garden this morning. And I saw Him in my son tonight. I see Him often in the sky. This weekend I will see Him in the mountains.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Hearing:
John 10:27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
A relationship with Christ is unlike any other religion in the world. People talk to their gods but their gods don't talk back. Christ lives within me. His Spirit guides me in every way I seek guidance. You just have to pay attention :). I hear Him and it enables me to follow Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.
Wisdom and Understanding:
Psalm 111:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments.
Obedience pays in dividends of understanding the Creator of all things. Its His gift to His children.
When you meet Jesus.......well......I hope you are getting the picture :)
Authority:
Luke 10:19 Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
Jesus means authority, power, and protection in your life.
Adequacy:
2 Corinthians 3:5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.
Jesus means you are complete.
Strength and Power
Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Jesus means you are strong and can endure.
Renewal:
Colossians 3:10 and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowlede according to the image of the One who created him.
When you meet Jesus, you will meet a new you and you will discover the new you everytime you seek Him, everytime you obey Him, everytime you hear Him, and see Him and then suddenly you will realize He has renewed you!!
Redemption:
Ephesians 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.
Sin has left you abandoned, and death is at your door.....until Jesus, your Redeemer met you at the cross.
Even death is conquered when you meet Jesus.
Hope:
Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.
And His hope does not disappoint.
Peace:
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This world offers you chaos. Christ instills peace. With Him anything is possible.
Courage:
2 Chronicles 15:7 But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.
And waiting for you at the end of the road is the most glorious place you could ever even begin to fathom. We call it heaven. The Bible refers to it as the most Holy of Holies, God's dwelling place. And if you have met Jesus, you will be living there.
When people meet Jesus, anything can happen.
I hope you believe this too!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Reading by Candlelight
I really love my husband. He does special things for me no matter how quirky they are or how old fashioned they seem. Raising chickens is one example, which is going very well by the way but that's another post for another day. Tending to my desire to read by candlelight is another.
I LOVE to read. If I could have something radically different done to my home it would be to have my own library. I mean a whole room, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, all books. Oh my gosh, my heart skips a beat just imagining it. I would want all things scripture from the beginnings of time (but no paraphrased Bibles please). I would love some scrolls of sorts. I would love all things C. S. Lewis, all missionary biographies, world History (from a biblical worldview), Ballantyne Novels, works of Francine Rivers, Francis Chan, KP Yohannan, Kay Arthur, David Platt, Jane Austen, John Piper, etc., etc., etc.
I really like to read in bed just before going to sleep. It settles my soul. But, it keeps my babe up at night because the lamp is just to bright. So I thought about getting one of those lamps you can put on the wall like in old fashioned tv shows where each spouse would turn off their personal light when they were ready. But what's cool about that? Nothing. So I thought, because I'm quirky, that it would be cool to have a candle to read by.
This might be a good place to inform those of you who don't already know this about me that I was really meant to live in a totally different era. The era like the one in my favorite movie Pride and Prejudice where everything is done by candlelight and there are chickens running around the yard and everyone sits together around the table for a huge meal at breakfast. Yeah, somehow I missed it by a few hundred years, durn it!
Anyway, back to my lighting dilemma. So my incredible husband made me a candle shelf today. And now I can read by candlelight!
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Isn't it marvelous!! I love him!
I LOVE to read. If I could have something radically different done to my home it would be to have my own library. I mean a whole room, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, all books. Oh my gosh, my heart skips a beat just imagining it. I would want all things scripture from the beginnings of time (but no paraphrased Bibles please). I would love some scrolls of sorts. I would love all things C. S. Lewis, all missionary biographies, world History (from a biblical worldview), Ballantyne Novels, works of Francine Rivers, Francis Chan, KP Yohannan, Kay Arthur, David Platt, Jane Austen, John Piper, etc., etc., etc.
I really like to read in bed just before going to sleep. It settles my soul. But, it keeps my babe up at night because the lamp is just to bright. So I thought about getting one of those lamps you can put on the wall like in old fashioned tv shows where each spouse would turn off their personal light when they were ready. But what's cool about that? Nothing. So I thought, because I'm quirky, that it would be cool to have a candle to read by.
This might be a good place to inform those of you who don't already know this about me that I was really meant to live in a totally different era. The era like the one in my favorite movie Pride and Prejudice where everything is done by candlelight and there are chickens running around the yard and everyone sits together around the table for a huge meal at breakfast. Yeah, somehow I missed it by a few hundred years, durn it!
Anyway, back to my lighting dilemma. So my incredible husband made me a candle shelf today. And now I can read by candlelight!
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