Radically Redeemed for Radical Living

Raw Emotion

2012-02-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

For the first time tonight, I listened to our youth at church sing this and I stood in quiet prayer questioning if I was truly ready to surrender all to Him. Normally I would sing right along, my arms high in the air declaring my desire to give everything to Him in response to everything He's given to me. Tonight, instead, I questioned if I really could follow through with those words.

Its funny how songs can draw out an allegiance in my soul in theory but when theory is threatened by reality the song is suddenly hard to sing.

Today, after court, we heard the words "Start preparing". Did God have her say that? Was that His grace in giving us time to let go? Or was that her lack of knowledge of the God I serve who can move mountains for those who serve Him. I can't fathom what His will is, what the future holds for our family and for "little bit's" future. But I know I love Him and him. I know I have to give my all to both no matter the outcome.

I ask for your prayers for our family as the road gets bumpy and rough. May we serve Him with abandonment in response to His fullness and goodness, no matter what He asks of us.

What's it Like to be a Foster Parent?

2012-01-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

Depends on what day you ask.....

Most days I have no idea what it's like to be a foster parent. I wake up to the sounds of my sweet 8 month old cooing, shuffling in his crib. He starts by scratching the sheet with his nails that I need to trim. He gabs a bit about his plans for the day. He plays with the blinds through the slats in his crib. Eventually he gets bored and starts the fuss that draws me or his dad into the room. Occasionally his brother or "sissy", as she loves to be called, gets first grabs at his fresh cuteness and our day with him begins.

He plays in his jumper, one of his favorite activities, or sits in his exersaucer and watches us dance together as we get energized for our day. We all have breakfast, big kids get dressed and do their chores, and he plays for awhile in the floor with his favorite toy--the hippo that throws balls into the air. He gets sleepy and the argument ensues: who gets to put him down and then who will get to get him up when his nap is done. The favorite thing is getting him up. They love walking into his room when he's just waking up. He always grins really big at the first person he sees and is so sweet just after his nap. Cody and Macie have gotten in the habit of asking first thing in the morning if they can be the one to get him up after his nap. So sweet. He has at least 2 naps a day so this discussion happens often.

He has lived with us for 5 mos. They are still in the honeymoon phase.

The pattern I described above continues throughout the day. When he's not napping he's sitting with us at the table as we work through school. If we are all in the den watching tv, there he is in the midst of us. I'm his mom. Jeff's his dad. Cody's his brother. Macie's his sissy. We aren't his foster family.

Then there's those days. Visitation days. Court days. DSS appointment days. Days we are all reminded that he belongs to someone else and that one day he may no longer sleep in that crib and play with those blinds. That's when I'm reminded what its like to be a foster parent.

There's not much great to being a foster parent. But there's a whole lot of great to loving a child in the gap that someone has left. This chunky little 8 month old has gaps in his life he shouldn't have and God is allowing us to fill them. And this little 8 month old is filling gaps we have, and God is allowing that for this time period.

I don't know how long God will continue to allow these things. I hope for our lifetimes. We aren't his foster family. We don't want to be known as his foster family. We are his family as much as a family can be. We long for that to be true in every sense that it can be. And so we just continue to be his.

A Smack in the Face, One I'm Thankful for

2012-01-03T16:01:00.000-05:00

I've recently finished reading Kisses from Katie, the book, not the blog, but you should check them both out! Today I'm going to comment on a statement from her book and my next post will be on a comment from her last post which you can read by clinking on link.

Katie is one of those who figured it out before any time was wasted. God spoke to heart and she wasn't too busy, too self centered, or too focused on worldly things to miss it. And now at 22 years old she's right in midst of His work, His miracles, His glory. I can't help but envy it.

Don't get me wrong. God's work, God's miracles, and God's glory is all around me. But I have to work super hard to not miss it. I have to fight my way through America's overindulgence which I have let overcome me for far too long to make sure I see it and that I participate in it. It's hard to give Him my full attention. Reading her experiences reminded me of this.

But, that's not what this post is about. :)

Her rich, confronting statement was this: "Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child."

Whoa.

There's so much wisdom in those words. She made the statement in the context of loving girls who have never known love, don't know how to accept love, and don't know how to trust. I think it rings true when you are trying to love anyone who doesn't understand your authority or how to submit and trust.

If my kids can't see Christ in me why would I expect them to respond like Christ? Its so easy to show Christ when I'm content, when I have my students over, when I'm involved in some church activity, etc. But what about when they tick me off, when they push that last button, when they clearly have no respect for who I am in their lives and they forget all I have done for them, all I've given up for them, all I've suffered for their good.

Hmmmm, sounds so familiar doesn't it? Like a little bit of the story of Christ? How quick I am to forget all He's done, all He's given up for me, all He has suffered for my good, yet His love is steadfast. His forgiveness, grace and mercy is inexhaustible.

I get her statement. Christ incarnated in me is the only hope of incarnating Christ in my children. I need this reminder moment by moment. I'm grateful God confronted me with it.

Hello World, or my local community, I'm Back!

2011-12-30T11:43:00.000-05:00

Oh my, it's been too long!

I've had so much I've wanted to share, to voice, to narrate as the story of our lives has unfolded. There has been so much The Lord has been teaching us and doing in us and around us over the past several months. Almost daily I have wanted to sit at this computer and put His actions into words on this screen but it has overwhelmed me to try to paint the picture of His hand for your eye to see.

But I'm now at the point that I feel I'm holding back His glory, His lessons, His purposes, and His faithfulness by keeping it all in and I don't want to hide Him.

So, I will begin to fill you in again, slowly but consistently.

My goal is to at least weekly share with you a bit of what God is sharing with me. If I can bring you up to date on the months that have past most recently I will but I can sum it up even now. God has asked much of us.

We began to foster an infant in Aug. We now love a little boy more than our hearts can stand. He's not ours. Everyday we are faced with the knowledge that he's not ours. People mention how hard it must be to love someone you could very easily lose and they can't imagine signing up for that.

My response is what if Christ had said "No". He knew how hard it would be and how much it would hurt. He knew how much He would lose. He still obeyed.

Yes, we may lose him. Our hearts may break forever and I don't know that we will ever heal from it. But we may not lose him. God may allow him to remain with us. It's the risk we have taken to be obedient to our Sovereign God. I know He's called us to serve in the ways we are capable and providing a stable and loving home are our capabilities so we must do it.

We trust His capability to carry us through.

This weekend our vacuum blew up one day and then the next our water heater busted. We are broke. Even if Christmas hadn't just happened, we would still be broke. So, I convinced Jeff to give it 24 hours to pray to let the Lord show His provision and His faithfulness before we started calling our usual financial helpers.

Within that time both were provided at no cost to us. BOTH. NO COST.

God is real. God is faithful. God is sovereign.

If He cares about little things I know He cares about the big ones.

Summer Session

2011-08-08T08:48:00.000-04:00

My thoughts from our Summer Session reading for today, specifically on
2 Thess. 2:15.

Good Company

2011-07-26T15:31:00.000-04:00

1 Corinthians 2:1-5 And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.

Even Paul came in weakness, fear, and in much trembling. Friend, we are in good company. I, too, come trembling at the thought of "proclaiming to you the testimony of God". I mean, really, what do I know? What authority do I have to speak of the things of God? I have no wisdom, no superiority of speech. I'm a simple stay-at-home mom with minimal biblical training, light exposure to missions or evangelism, and very little confidence. Paul speaks of persuasive words of wisdom. I doubt my wisdom has ever persuaded anyone toward anything. But, here's what I do know. I know Christ, I know His death, and I know His resurrection. I know it personally. I know He called to Me, in the deepest part of my heart and since that moment I've not been the same. I know parts of me have died, sinful parts, and I know He's replaced those parts with new life. I know it has been a demonstration of His Spirit and power and it has only required my obedience, which again has been through His power within me. And this testimony of mine, the testimony of God gives your faith something to grab onto.

So, in the weakness of my speech, the absence of my wisdom, and in my trembling, I pray that you will see God.

Many of us feel that we are powerless to make a difference, ill-equipped to be effective in our faith. Paul felt the same way, but He still knew how to accomplish God's plan of reaching others for God's kingdom. Let God do it through you. It was God's power in Paul that would work and will be God's power in you!

God is For You

2011-07-22T07:19:00.000-04:00

In case you are feeling a little down, here's a lovely reminder of something incredible today.

Jesus, take the jaw!

2011-07-11T14:12:00.000-04:00

I'm just about to head to the dentist with great trepidation in my step. I have had some of the worst pain ever in my jaw since last Wednesday. It has been so bad that at the last minute I backed out of a trip with my students to Daytona, Fl.

If you know me at all, you know that was not an easy thing for me to do.

I'm extremely nervous about the potential pain I'm about to endure so I decided to get Jesus as close to my jaw as possible:

Jesus, take the the jaw!

"When People Meet Jesus, Anything can Happen"

2011-06-27T22:56:00.002-04:00

The title of this post were the words of my friend and pastor Sunday.

Do you believe them? I do. I really do.

Many things have happened to me since I first met Jesus. However, most of them took root when I truly surrendered to Him and began to desire His actual lordship in my life. Meeting Him and submitting to His lordship are not the same, the scripture makes that clear.

I would like to share some of the things I have experienced as a result of knowing the very Son of the Living God, and the Living God Himself.

Freedom:
Galatians 5:1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
Many people all over the world live in bondage: primarily to sin, but also to their past, to their government, to other religions, to persecution, to ignorance, to guilt, to self-indulgence, to lies, to fear and to many more things that Satan, the enemy, presses down on them.
BUT...In Christ one is freed, forever. All things that bind a person are loosed at the cross.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.

Healing:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Hosea 14:4 I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from them.
Life hurts. People hurt you. Many times I hurt myself. I make stupid decisions based on prideful intentions and I end up with a brokenness that only Christ can mend.
Apostasy means a total desertion from one's religion, principles, or cause. Those prideful moments are moments of apostasy when all my wits exit my head and all I know to be truth is hazed in a fog of self gratification. And what does my Savior do? Well He heals me. He binds my wounds, turns His justified anger from me and loves me through it.
Because when you meet Jesus, anything can happen.

Obedience:
Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.
There are times I want to flesh out my anger. There are times I want to quit. There are times I don't want to ask God what He thinks, I just want to do it my way. I don't want to wait. I don't want to accept that role or that responsibility. I want to say what I want no matter who it hurts. I want to do what I want no matter the foolishness in it. I don't always want to see what scripture says, I just want to do it the way everyone else does. But their way is not righteousness. And their way is not freedom. And God's Spirit within me beckons me to the pursuit of Him and so I choose Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.

Sight:
Psalm 66:5 Come and see the works of God, Who is awesome in His deeds toward the sons of men.
Yes, you can see God when you have met Jesus. I saw Him in my garden this morning. And I saw Him in my son tonight. I see Him often in the sky. This weekend I will see Him in the mountains.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.

Hearing:
John 10:27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
A relationship with Christ is unlike any other religion in the world. People talk to their gods but their gods don't talk back. Christ lives within me. His Spirit guides me in every way I seek guidance. You just have to pay attention :). I hear Him and it enables me to follow Him.
Because when you meet Jesus anything can happen.

Wisdom and Understanding:
Psalm 111:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments.
Obedience pays in dividends of understanding the Creator of all things. Its His gift to His children.
When you meet Jesus.......well......I hope you are getting the picture :)

Authority:
Luke 10:19 Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
Jesus means authority, power, and protection in your life.

Adequacy:
2 Corinthians 3:5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.
Jesus means you are complete.

Strength and Power
Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Jesus means you are strong and can endure.

Renewal:
Colossians 3:10 and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowlede according to the image of the One who created him.
When you meet Jesus, you will meet a new you and you will discover the new you everytime you seek Him, everytime you obey Him, everytime you hear Him, and see Him and then suddenly you will realize He has renewed you!!

Redemption:
Ephesians 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.
Sin has left you abandoned, and death is at your door.....until Jesus, your Redeemer met you at the cross.
Even death is conquered when you meet Jesus.

Hope:
Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.
And His hope does not disappoint.

Peace:
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This world offers you chaos. Christ instills peace. With Him anything is possible.

Courage:
2 Chronicles 15:7 But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.
And waiting for you at the end of the road is the most glorious place you could ever even begin to fathom. We call it heaven. The Bible refers to it as the most Holy of Holies, God's dwelling place. And if you have met Jesus, you will be living there.

When people meet Jesus, anything can happen.

I hope you believe this too!

Reading by Candlelight

2011-06-25T22:37:00.000-04:00

I really love my husband. He does special things for me no matter how quirky they are or how old fashioned they seem. Raising chickens is one example, which is going very well by the way but that's another post for another day. Tending to my desire to read by candlelight is another.

I LOVE to read. If I could have something radically different done to my home it would be to have my own library. I mean a whole room, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, all books. Oh my gosh, my heart skips a beat just imagining it. I would want all things scripture from the beginnings of time (but no paraphrased Bibles please). I would love some scrolls of sorts. I would love all things C. S. Lewis, all missionary biographies, world History (from a biblical worldview), Ballantyne Novels, works of Francine Rivers, Francis Chan, KP Yohannan, Kay Arthur, David Platt, Jane Austen, John Piper, etc., etc., etc.

I really like to read in bed just before going to sleep. It settles my soul. But, it keeps my babe up at night because the lamp is just to bright. So I thought about getting one of those lamps you can put on the wall like in old fashioned tv shows where each spouse would turn off their personal light when they were ready. But what's cool about that? Nothing. So I thought, because I'm quirky, that it would be cool to have a candle to read by.

This might be a good place to inform those of you who don't already know this about me that I was really meant to live in a totally different era. The era like the one in my favorite movie Pride and Prejudice where everything is done by candlelight and there are chickens running around the yard and everyone sits together around the table for a huge meal at breakfast. Yeah, somehow I missed it by a few hundred years, durn it!

Anyway, back to my lighting dilemma. So my incredible husband made me a candle shelf today. And now I can read by candlelight!

Isn't it marvelous!! I love him!

Radical

2011-06-24T20:51:00.001-04:00

That word stirs something in me. It's an extreme word, don't you think? If not, clearly you haven't read the book that carries its namesake. David Platt does an amazing job of painting a picture of radical living as a follower of Christ. He makes statements such as "settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves" and "We want Him so much that we abandon everything else to experience Him".

Those are only two of about 100 or more statements Platt wrote in his book that pierced straight through my heart.

I can see that God has led me to make what the world would call radical choices for some time now. I didn't always understand myself, why I made those choices, I just knew I was suppose to. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But, now I can see that God has been preparing me for His work. He has been molding me and setting my life up in a way that would support His call on my life. There is still much to do, many ways I need to be molded into a usable vessel, but He's doing it, and I'm grateful to be in His hands.

The most radical event of all history is the story of Christ. Here's a taste of it from Philippians 2:6-8:

Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Being equal with God, yet emptying yourself for mankind for the sake of taking on death in man's place is about as radical as you can get!

Christ radically redeemed me. Now it's my turn to live radically for Him.

I wrote this for those who know me personally and will hopefully see radical differences in me in the future and that you will accept a radical nature in me as I follow a radical God. I hope you have already seen that my life does not follow the pattern of this world. And I hope you will join me :).

Hudler Happenings

2011-05-22T08:03:00.002-04:00

Almost daily I have sat at this computer with thoughts I wanted to share on this blog, yet something else always needs my attention.

Well, I have some time now so I'll get as much out as I can.

Our last official day of school was Friday. Whoot Whoot!! It has been a very good year. The kids accomplished so much and I am very proud of their work. Each year seems to be getting better and better.

When I started homeschooling, 7 years ago, my main goal was to make it through elementary school. Well, Cody will be in 7th grade this coming school year and we are still plugging along. And now, I fully believe it is possible to homeschool through highschool so it is now my goal.

With that said, however, I wonder what the Lord has in store for us. This past school year has brought us several changes, things I never thought I would do.

We fostered two children, one of which was in public school. We now are the proud parents of 3 chicks. We are trying to make our home as self sufficient as possible. I believe this is much easier when you live on a farm. We don't. But, we now have chickens, apple trees, and a vegetable garden. Hey, its a start! And we are very much hoping for another foster child, a very young girl to be exact, a potential adoptee, to come into our life.

So with these changes, I wonder what the Lord will call us to over the next 6 years of Cody's schooling life. And with Macie 2 years behind him, she has even more opportunity to experience life following after Christ.

My heart continues to want to wrap itself around anything missions. Cody and Macie are both wanting to go to Romania, something neither have wanted to do in the past. Jeff is heading to Romania in July for a short term mission opportunity. I hope our family as a whole can do the same soon.

We have instituted new traditions and are raising some standards in our home and though it has been a recent effort, we are seeing the benefits already. The only one I'll mention now is reading aloud to our children, as a family. Many families already do this, especially in the homeschooling world. But, it has never been a priority for us. Until now of course, and we love it. It is a precious time of learning and unity. The kids are going to bed easier, the house is quieter in the evenings, the tv no longer demands our time, and even the mornings are so much smoother.
If you are not a read aloud family, give it a try, soon!

Ok, that's it for now. It's not much but I have many other thoughts to share soon so stay tuned!

MayMay's Life

2011-04-27T11:32:00.002-04:00

Macie has her own blog now. It will likely make you laugh from time to time. So, check it out!

This is her promo :) It is www.mhudler.blogspot.com or you can just click it from my blog list.

And Just Like that They're Gone

2011-03-31T07:57:00.001-04:00

A little over 5 months ago, we began a new journey as foster parents. It actually started long before that but became very real on Oct. 21 as we received our first placement. Seems like it was yesterday. By about noon today they were officially no longer "ours". Just like that, they are gone. No one can prepare you for the feelings you have when something so involving and demanding is no longer a part of your life. When you invest so much into something, so much of yourself, and it abruptly ends, part of you is left empty. And even if the warning signs were there you still aren't prepared. It's like ripping a band aid off: its fast, its necessary, its timely, and you know it is coming, but it still hurts. Intensely, at least for a moment. Several times today the same bandaid seemed to be pulled at. It was especially difficult when it came time to sign us off as contact at her school. So much effort has been spent in regards to her schooling, catching her up, helping her overcome huge walls. And that was it. We are no longer a part of that. It was especially difficult dropping him off at his home knowing it was forever, not just for 2 hours, and passing his big wheel by the driveway, the one we got him for Christmas. The one he rode almost daily with Cody and Macie. I can not imagine what it is like for a parent to lose a child. We knew they would leave. We wanted that for their whole family. We know they are loved. We have grieved over the sacrifices our family has made. And for the most part there is great relief. Yet, there is a hole in my heart that I never saw coming. It is a grief that I did not consider nor prepare for. So, I am left giving thanks for what God has done. I praise Him for allowing us to be used and I pray that every good thing He did during the last 5 months will last for eternity. And I pray that He will allow me to bask in the wholeness of my family at this very moment.

A Review of the past few weeks

2011-03-08T18:28:00.003-05:00

Three Sundays ago I was hit with the start of a series of migraines that would about send me over the edge.

A week into the headaches I left to go to the coast for a women's retreat not realizing I was in the midst of a migraine that would need medical intervention (more than ibuprofen). I spent almost the whole conference in the bed.

I came home and the migraine continued to intensify. Last Tuesday I finally made it into the Headache Center where I got a few shots and a steroid pack. Two days after that the headache was gone, but now I was a monster to everyone around me. Fatigue, acheyness (?sp), and steroids basically turned me into a monster. Macie had already been extremely defiant the first half. I think she was revolting against me b/c not only did I leave out of town for a couple of days, but I then came home sick and unable to give her or any kids any attention. So, between the monster in me and the defiance in her it was a rough week around here.

To top it off, I needed Jeff around daily to not only help me in my sickness but to take care of kids and to fight the battles with Macie that I was not capable of handling. The even more difficult thing was the fact that it was the week leading up to one of the biggest youth events we do all year, D*Weekend.

Jeff spends the whole week each year setting up for the band, the stage, etc for the large group sessions. This was not a week he needed to be stuck at home tending to me and fighting with Macie.

But finally the relief came on Thursday. My head was better by then and Friday Macie and I stopped fighting and things started to relax just in time for the 8 students who would be moving into my home for the weekend showed up.

Then a new nightmare began.

Some time around 7pm Friday night, I think, I'm driving around town running errands with Macie and the two little ones. We had just stopped to pick up dinner and my phone rings, an unknown number. I answer to someone crying and frantic and I couldn't understand. My heart sunk when I realized it was Cody.

He and his bestfriend were staying at the friend's cousin's house for the weekend. They had been outside playing, the three of them alone, when Cody's bestfriend stood up on the front steps and then immediately collapsed into a full seizure. This was happening right before their eyes.

Cody stayed by his friend's side as the cousin ran for help. The adults came out, 911 was called and before long his friend was awake and receiving the care he needed.

When Cody called me it had all just happened and 911 was on the way. He was so frantic as any child would be in that circumstance.

It was a long night, a long weekend actually, for all of us, but I don't think I can grasp what that event was truly like for Cody. The other people who were there have praised Cody for how well he handled the situation and what a good friend he was. The cousin acted heroic as well. She's the same age.

His friend has been stable ever since and is in process of being tested and examined to try to make sense out of what happened. We are obviously still concerned for him and are praying for a clear diagnosis and healing. Please pray with us.

I wonder what God's plan is for this in Cody's life. Cody is so tender and compassionate and he is also very visual. I don't think he will ever forget the image of his bestfriend seizing on the pavement literally right in front of him and the helplessness he felt. How will God use this? How will this contribute to the makeup of who Cody is?

We want to protect our kids from everything harmful. But, if we do are we getting in the way of God's hand over them? I don't want to ever hear a call like that again but I know God is going to allow things in their life that I will be sad about. But I continue to pray that God will mold them into the person He desires them to be in order to bring about His will. So, now I pray that God will equip them to handle everything He allows. And I know He will.

Warning: long rant ahead

2011-02-23T09:41:00.004-05:00

My head has hung low lately.

I am burdened more than I knew but I feel the weight of it today. Please indulge me as I lay my burdens out before you.

I'm tired, not just physically, but in every other way. Emotionally I am struggling as day in and day out, I play this game of loving and providing for kids that want to be somewhere else, and never fail to remind me of the fact. I ride the coaster that takes me up and down and leaves me confused and dazed. Where will we be when this is over? Soaring high on the wings of a God who allowed us to be used in the lives of others? Or treading through the valley of emptiness as our 6 returns to 4?

Emotionally I am struggling as one of my dearest friends, my "Jonathan" of 1 Samuel 18, has just learned that the Sarcoma that almost took her life as a teen has most likely returned. Why God? Yes, I ask why, though I know it is to bring Him glory. And I know if anyone will glorify God in everything it is this friend.

I struggle with the lack of freedom I feel right now as the demands of my daughter keep me tied to her side, if not physically, mentally. I am weary of trying to convince her that she is okay whether she can see me or not. And that her dad is just as wonderful as any parent can be and He is sufficient for her if I'm unavailable. This is all my flesh as I desire that freedom back. I know I just need to love her through this. But, I am tired. I've got 2 kids who want their "real" mom and one kid who is suffocating me. Where's the balance?

I struggle with feeling, at one moment, so incredibly thankful for the role God has given me as a mom of one child, let alone 4. But, at the next moment I'm grieved over the sacrifices that are demanded of me as I give all I've got to this calling. I know so many moms feel the same way.

And I'm struggling spiritually. I'm confused by the things that my heart desires. Things that I know are led by the Lord, yet I'm alone in it. It's not what Jeff wants. We are one flesh and we try to live that out. So why are we divided in this matter?

I'm praying God redirects me or gives Jeff the same calling. I need some clarity. I'm praying God would purge me of me. That's a scary prayer. I've never known Jeff to do anything out of selfish ambition. I, on the other hand, am very good at making things happen for myself. This is a situation that I truly need to get out of the way and see what GOD wants. But, its a struggle.

So I start my time in the word today with Psalm 3. I walk around lately with my head down heavy with the weight on my shoulders. Then God speaks vs 3 right to me:

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head"

I realize God lifts my head by taking the weight off and carrying it for me. The struggles are still there but they are on His shoulders and I'm in His hands. And for that I rest in Him.

small summary of happenings

2011-02-22T09:49:00.002-05:00

Well, the past two nights have been rough at the Hudler house. The first of the two I had a migraine and Macie had the stomach bug, aka the devil. Last night Cody kept me up with bad dreams all. night. long.. I could literally lay my head down on this keyboard and be fast asleep. But then what would the rest of my household do for the day?

We have had several highlights over the past couple of weeks. Cody's basketball season is almost over and it has ended on a high. At the last game of the regular season Cody scored his first shot of the season and everyone celebrated with him which blesses me so much. He is one of youngest and newest on the team so he has had minimal playing time. We weren't sure he would have a chance to score so it was exciting to end the season that way. The next weekend was the conference tournament. Oh, I forgot to mention that his team won the conference season.

In the first game of the tournament Cody not only scored one shot, but two, and the 2nd was a 3 pointer! It pretty much made his season! They came in 2nd in the Tournament and this weekend is the state tournament.

Another blessing was having the Romania team in town. We were able to spend several days visiting with the missionary who we, our church, work with in Romania and a few of the translators. Macie and I are already in the mindset of missions work. Jeff is going to Romania to serve this summer. And now, even Cody, who never wants to leave home, is talking about his desire to go there sometime. This is answered prayer for me as God draws my heart closer and closer to missions. That's another blog for another day :)

Lastly, Macie has been doing much better in her comfort level regarding being away from me and being involved in other things. I will be leaving town this weekend for 2 nights and I know she is very anxious about it. If you care to, pray for her to be comforted while we are apart.

That's all folks! Praise to God for His goodness!

High/Low catch up time :)

2011-02-06T22:45:00.002-05:00

Well I've learned that there are people who read this blog that I had no idea were doing so. Thank you for everyone who cares enough about my family and I to check out whats going on in our lives. You bless us!

So this week has had some rough moments and I have pouted a lot over them, which is why I haven't posted in a few days. There have been many highs, but let's face it, I am a pouter and so some times I just need some time.

I think I'll start with the Lows....get 'em over with. I thought about leaving them out but what good would it do to hold back? Save face? I don't want to be a complainer, I have to fight that. But, I do want you to know that I struggle, and that God carries me just as He would carry you when you struggle. So here they go....

Back in March of '10 Macie came down with the stomach bug. She was only really sick for one day and then kinda week the next. But for several weeks after that she just seemed to be declining in her health. She couldn't sleep at night without stomach pains. She wasn't eating right or using the bathroom as normal. She wasn't getting her school work done. She was having headaches. It was strange. Some days would be fine and others rough. It culminated to a fever, vomiting, and vision changes. At first her depth perception was off. The final clincher was development of double vision. At that point, a Sunday, she couldn't see right, she couldn't eat and she couldn't use the bathroom. (pause)

.....gosh, just typing this brings back such scary feelings I had over the health of my daughter....

(resume)

So, off to the hospital we go. Long story short, after a week long visit, and many tests and yucky procedures, she was officially diagnosed with spinal meningitis. This was actually quite a relief since before it was all over they had tested her for leukemia. You never want to hear that your child is gonna be tested for cancer. Never. But oh, praise God, He spared her and us of such a horror. I continue to give thanks for that.

Because of our great relief in the diagnosis once we got our baby home and she was back to herself, we were able to move right on with life. Well, not all of us.

Since then, Macie has been more needed in the areas of bedtime, and separation from us. It took us a long time to understand why she had been struggling but finally the puzzle pieces have started coming together. I believe she was greatly wounded emotionally, psychologically, etc. from that rough experience.

Macie is a tough girl. If you know her personally I feel sure you would agree that she is not like most girls. I think we expected her to move on as we did, though I'm not sure why.

One of the things I hate the most about parenting and really life in general is that moment when you have been handling something in the wrong way but didn't know it and then you just feel like a big 'ole fool.

This week, that's where I've been. I wish had more wisdom. I wish I could spare the heartache I cause by letting my flesh rule when my heart knows better.

Over the past few days Macie has struggled terribly with her emotions. And while she has struggled, I have just grown bitter with frustration over the feeling of bondage as a parent. Feeling like I can't make plans in fear of them being ruined, or missing out something special. This is not an easy confession but I lay it out there to remind myself that it is not my job to be entertained. It is not my place to expect everything to work out in my favor. And its not okay for me to be so self centered that I miss the hurt in my child.

Lord, forgive me.

Friends, Christ laid it all on the cross. Philippians tells us that Christ emptied Himself for our sake, giving up every right He had as God in the flesh so that we would have everything.

And, here I am frustrated with my child who just needs me near b/c I will be inconvenienced. What kind of example am I to her. Because that is not Christ. She has not seen Him in me and that's what breaks my heart. If I desire anything in life it's for others to look at me and see Him instead.

So I'm praying that I will be able to die to self, crucify the flesh, carry my cross in self abandonment as Christ does His work in me.

Ok.

I know this is really long already so I'm listing my High's briefly:

1. Cody's team won a very important game placing them as the number 1 seed. Go Eagles!

2. Our youth meeting on Wed. bless me so much as almost my entire class sat around the table, Bibles in hand, listening to the Word of God. Gold.

3. Spontaneously on Thursday I was able to work out a time to hang out with one of my dearest friends Jessica. Jessica is who I want to be when I grow up. We had a sweet time of conversation and she reminded me, again, of why knowing and following Christ is the ride of your life. Don't Miss It!!!!

4. Friday, my Macie insisted on having a playdate with a beautiful little girl who happens to belong to said Jess from #3. What's so cool about it is that this girl is several years younger than Macie. Do you know many 9 1/2 year olds that plan playdates like that? And they so enjoyed each other!

5. Then on Sat. my Grace came and encouraged me to no end. She is my friend who secretly is actually my little sister. I haven't found the paperwork but I know its true.

And last but not least...

6. Jennifer Mashburn. If you don't already know her, I'm sorry, because you are missing out. Enough said :)

high/low Tuesday

2011-02-01T22:03:00.002-05:00

High:

#1 Classical, a homeschooling program we are a part of, went especially well today. I normally have 5- 4yr old boys. It can be quite interesting some weeks. Two of them were out today so I knew we would have a lot of extra time to fill which can be a bad thing. Trying to keep them happy and entertained is already challenging so I had my concerns this morning.

To my surprise we filled the time up perfectly with little effort and happy boys. I also happen to have really good moms in there with me as well :) It is such a blessing to be a part of a student's learning, seeing him/her gain knowledge and to grow through that learning. It's a treat to me!

Homeschooling is fantastic for so many reasons but to witness firsthand the establishment of knowledge and eventually wisdom is definitely one of the highlights!

#2 Woke up without headache or tummy ache. Yay!

Low:

Struggling a bit today with fostering. In so many cases children in foster care do not know the love of their original family. They are removed because of the effects that lack of love is having or the damage its causing. The 2 little ones we are fostering have a very loving family. Obviously, there have been problems or they wouldn't be with us. But, it is not because they are unloved.

Can't say much about the situation as confidentiality is a must. However, my struggle today has been knowing that we so badly want to add to our family, bring at least one more child into our home to raise, to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We entered into to this process with those hopes.

Well, that's not the case here.

We are so very thankful these guys have a loving family waiting to be reunited with them. And, we are encouraging their relationship as much as possible. But, in the end, we are still the same, a family of four. Is this what God has for us? And if so, why the burning hole in my heart for more? Why am I not content?

So, just wondering today, as on many days, what the future holds. Praying God will fill the void or move us forward, either in His timing and His will.

High/Low Monday

2011-01-31T21:08:00.002-05:00

High:

#1 Already have received promises of $85 toward the $150 deposit that is due this Sunday for the Idaho trip. I love watching God prove Himself to me again and again. See that's what's so great about prayer. You lift it up and then you watch the reality of God come to life. It's good stuff :) Now I have another reason to lift my praise to Him.

#2 Got signed up for the marriage conference hosted by Kirk Cameron. My whole Bible study group is going which is a pretty fantastic way of bringing our 16 week inductive study on marriage to a close. What a blessing this study and this group of ladies has been to me.

Low:

My tummy and my head have hurt basically all day :(. Hoping to wake up a new woman in the am.

High/Low-Sunday

2011-01-30T20:11:00.002-05:00

High:

Idaho meeting. Sound strange? Yeah I know....
2 summers ago I had the privilege of going to Romania to participate in missions at a camp there. It was a wonderful trip and it was just the beginning for me when it comes to missions.

I have been a part of many mission minded events having grown up in the church. However, they were just things I joined in on. These days God has given me a heart to be more of a pursuer of missions. I knew Jeff was really wanting to go to Romania this year and I really want him to be able to, but that meant I had less and less chance of making a trip myself, especially oversees or one that was a hefty price.

So, I was burdened and discouraged having an intense desire to do something, go somewhere for the sake of mission work, but having no obvious opportunity. I knew God had given me these desires and I knew He was wanting to use me in this way, but how, where, when?

And then came Idaho :)

The moment I realized this opportunity existed I knew it was for me. It's a construction mission, building a church for believers who have no where to meet and no money to fund a building. It's a mission for fellow believers. I've never really thought of missions being for other believers, only for evangelism type stuff. I'm so excited to think that I will be a part of something that brings believers together and then allows them to evangelize more in their own community. What a privilege it is to help the body of Christ!

I know how thankful I am for my own church and how it consistently reaches out to the community and how much it has blessed my own family. I think we often forget that not everybody has a place to worship, a place to serve and a way to meet needs. There are people in Idaho who don't, but they will soon and I'm thrilled to be a part of it.

Low:

(warning, shameless plug ahead)
I don't have my own money to fund the trip. This means I need donations. This is really pretty normal, people asking for help to take a missions trip. However, one of our financial goals is to have a fund that supports these kind of things. The fact that we have no money to help ourselves for these things bothers me b/c I know if we had made better decisions in the past, we would. So I continue to pray for God's provisions not only for this particular trip, but for all future trips. And not only for ourselves but for the many others who are out winning the world for Christ!

High and Low of Saturday

2011-01-30T10:32:00.002-05:00

High:

#1 Jeff cleaned the entire house. I love my man for so many reasons and that is just one of them.

#2 Got some scrapbooking done. Yes, while my husband was cleaning house. I told you he's incredible.

#3 Got grocery shopping done and our house is full of food. At least for a couple of days. Gahlee my kids eat like horses. (I realize gahlee is not really a word)

#4 Cody played outside today which means he's getting better. For having the flu, he has been fortunate with only mild symptoms compared to other cases.

Low:

Realization that I may always be this size. Stink.

So, reading this list and the fact that my size was the only downer of the day I think this post needs a little 'Praise the Lord, Hallelujah' moment.

I often wonder why I have the privilege of living in a free country, having a home, an education, two kids, each gender, a healthy marriage, great doctors, an incredible church, the ability to teach and play with my kids, the ability to mentor others and have such a great spiritual family.

I could so easily be living somewhere else in the world where none of that would be possible. I often wonder too, why has God allowed these things for me. What does He expect out of me? I really feel like He's moving me in different directions so that all He has done for me can bring Him glory. And that is what I truly hope happens!

High/Low of the day

2011-01-28T20:07:00.002-05:00

High:
Cody had no fever today and we actually got a satisfactory amount of school work done without much grumbling from anyone.

Low:
Jeff got paid today and the money just doesn't cover it all.

Well it covers every need we have, which is a high, just not some wants. I'm very thankful for God's provisions that He provides through Jeff's amazing career. But, I'd be lying if I didn't confess the dissappointment I have felt today over the desires I have but can't attain.

God is teaching us to do it right and to not mess up our finances ever again, as we use to do so regularly. I'm grateful that God deems me worthy of the lesson but boy is it painful sometimes.

And He has been gracious enough on several occasions to just bless us out of nowhere. We are ever grateful for those moments as well.

I realize I am rich in so many ways and I grieve for those who truly have needs I'll never personally understand.

But the truth remains that I do feel discouraged at times and well today has been one of those. So today's low is more like a confession. There it is. Hope you don't think less of me.

A new kind of post

2011-01-27T15:43:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking lately about how the Bible says that iron sharpens iron and how I know it is so comforting to hear that other people struggle, and that other people celebrate life's great moments as well. It's a great thing to be connected to others in the Highs and Lows of life. So, I'm gonna try to start a series of posts documenting the Highs/Lows of each day. It may bore you to death or it may help you feel some sanity to see you aren't the only one with ridiculous life events :)

So, this is the first, though its very early in the day still.

High: No school and Jeff is home

explanation: I called our school off today. I can do that b/c I'm the only teacher and my husband is the principal :) And we make our own schedules....major perk of homeschooling.

further explanation: Jeff is off on Thursdays and it is always the highlight of our week. He is my best friend and I love doing the routine of our week together on this one day.

Low: The reason I called school off--Cody has the flu. He is pitiful and I hate to see him down and out. Our family always seems to have negative things happen as soon as something fun is about to happen.

A couple of years ago in the early stages of Cody's piano life, he picked out the piece "Arabesque" to try to learn to play. It was quite advanced for him and so he just wasn't ready to master it. Over the past couple of years he has advanced quickly in his piano playing and has continued to have the desire to learn that piece.

He has spent all last semester learning it and has truly mastered it. His teacher and I are so proud of him and he was very ready to play it for the recital.

........which is tomorrow night. bummer. bummer. bummer. He won't get to play. After all that time and effort he will not get to showcase it. He's so disappointed.

I guess it's a good teaching opportunity since God instructs us to boast in nothing but Him. We are anything at all only because He is everything to us.

So that's our high and low for today. Thankful for God's sovereignty in all of it!

She Never Ceases to Amaze Me

2010-12-21T08:15:00.002-05:00

Macie's swim team held a fundraiser last Friday called Swim a Lap. Each athlete was responsible for getting either flat donations or pledges for as many laps as he/she could swim. Macie collected donations for the most part, but did have a few committed pledges as well. We were out of town for the event so she swam her makeup session yesterday.

Leading up to it we talked about her pledges and how many laps she hoped to swim. She thought it would be awesome to reach a hundred. I tried to convince her that 40 laps was most reasonable at her level and with her pledges/donations she would do well if she reached that goal.

Well, my Macie NEVER settles for status quo. She takes on a challenge with full gusto and I love her for it. I have rarely seen her give up on anything. I have seen her not care about something and so therefore not give much to it. But if she cares at all, she's all in.

Now I'm just gonna brag on her because it's my blog and I can do that :).

When she started her first lap, she was motivated and ready to go. She didn't pace herself well and after the first 10 laps straight she was struggling. I thought she may not make it pass 20.
I'm not sure how many laps she did before changing strokes but it was a lot. The 2nd stroke was backstroke which is hard for her. You have to kick really strong and keep your head back or your lower body sinks. Well she was sinking on the first lap. Her legs were so tired at this point that her arms were doing all the work. She was in the 30's now with her lap count.

I realized that the other 2 swimmers that were doing their laps were moving faster than her. This means they were done and waiting for her to reach the end to start the next set. So, as soon as she would get to the end the other two would go and she would have to trail right behind them.

Essentially she was getting no breaks. I kid you not, the girl swam all her laps with only stopping to get the next instruction or to grab her kickboard for the next go. She amazed me.

So at the end, one swimmer finished and got out of the pool so I went to congratulate Macie and help her out. I asked the recorder of the laps how many she had done and he said 116. "Wow Macie, that's awesome!", I said. "I know you're exhausted. Hop on out and I'll help you get dry". She looked at me with this determined look on her face and asked if she had to be done. "What!?" I thought out aloud. She asked if she could go 4 more and make it to 120. And she did!

My girl swam 120 laps with barely a break!!! She is such an awesome kid!!

If you see her please congratulate her for her hard work and determination. Thanks!

A Simple Reminder

2010-12-11T20:56:00.002-05:00

This Christmas brings new excitement for us. Having four kids instead of two is four times the fun. I simply can not wait for Christmas morning!

This week starts the festivities for us as we begin the "Christmas rounds". First, dinner and gift exchange with my sis and her crew. Then, a weekend with all the Hudler's. This means lots of games, lots of kids, and lots of traditions. We look forward to it weeks/months ahead. Then my annual sleep over/Christmas dinner with all my girls (from SS). Then the Christmas Eve service at church. And, finally, Christmas day.

And between all that are Christmas crafts, Christmas baking, Christmas pictures, a little more Christmas shopping, and a whole lot of family time. Yay!

So, as you may be gathering, I'm very excited about the days to come. But, I have to stop for even just a moment and reorient myself to the reality of it. The reality is that once upon a time, a time when my name had yet to be spoken, I received a gift that would forever change my life. Before I made my first mistake, committed my first sin, or looked back with regret for the first of many times, the Savior I would so desperately need was sent for me.

Christ "became flesh and dwelt among us" so that years later you and I could spend a month or so being reminded and reminding others that there is a gift to be had and a gift to be given. The first is the gift of salvation found only in the Christ of "Christ"mas. The latter is the full surrender of you, and I.

Many people understand the necessity of accepting Christ for who He is. I want to challenge you, and myself, to be fully surrendered to Him. Enjoy this season, enjoy the gifts you give and receive, enjoy the good will and grace that is heightened in those around you. But don't forget as you bless so many others with your generosity to give God all you've got. Afterall, it is the reason for the season!

His unfolding plan

2010-12-07T13:46:00.004-05:00

It has been a rocky road kind of journey over the past 7 weeks. We have experienced so many emotions. The trend seems to be that we hit a bump, have 2nd thoughts about our choice to foster, God smooths it out, and we're ready to move ahead. Lately, that pattern has been a daily event.

Even yesterday, my wonderful sitter had to cancel on me and I hung my head low knowing I was gonna have to miss Cody's bball game for the fact that the little ones would be getting home from visiting mom in middle of the game time. "I don't want to sacrifice anymore" went through my head.

Then my sweet friend who was on her way home from college calls to make a quick visit and seek a little advice. Well wouldn't you know she was free to sit for me and off to Cody's game I go. See, God's just good like that.

I know it sounds silly to complain about missing a game in order to be here for these little guys. The thing is there are so many sacrifices to be made to provide a solid stable home for children that several weeks before you never heard of. And some days they add up heavily as if they were all happening at once.

But when people start telling you how they can see a difference in the kids since they have been in our care, suddenly sacrifices fade to mild adjustments and a renewing occurs. Fostering is hard. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. It requires much out every one in my home and yes, sometimes it's more than we can give. But God can do more than we can imagine or even hope for and He is faithful.

So, we continue the journey, focused on Him who calls and equips.

It is most likely that there will be a significant change come Jan. It is a good thing and we are pleased with the potential outcome. Yet, our heart longs for more than what's too come. We are pouring out all we can give and seeking God to refill us. We want so much more than what this placement can be and we both know our desires are from Him. So, we wait out this ride with great anticipation of His unfolding plan.

We appreciate your prayers :)

A little bit about what's next...

2010-12-02T13:35:00.002-05:00

Well we weren't expecting these two little friends of ours to be around very long. But, as is proving to be true daily, fostering is the most unpredictable thing I've ever been a part of.

We will get to spend Christmas with them, which I'm thankful for. Having four children emptying their stockings in the den waiting on us to get ourselves together for the good stuff will be so much fun for me! Macie is particularly excited about shopping for them. That blesses me.

We still have challenges we are working through. Some days they are too heavy to bear, but God does what He's so good at, and equips us to persevere. He has clearly called us to serve 2 precious children and to tell them all about Him, their Creator. What an honor it is to have this role.

And it has reminded me of the two we were already blessed with and how great of a responsibility we have as parents to serve them and to lead them to Him.

Next court date is in early Jan. This could lead to a major change in the situation so we continue to need prayer. Thanks!

Wondering what's next?

2010-11-30T23:06:00.001-05:00

Big court date tomorrow. It may lead to a change in our status. We have very mixed emotions about it. Could use some prayer. Thanks!

instant growth

2010-11-10T08:10:00.003-05:00

Helloooooooo!

Long time no talk. Computer time has dropped on the priority list lately.

We have been fostering a sibling set of 2 for 3 weeks now. It's been a little crazy considering we doubled our kids and it happened in abt a 4 hour time period. Got the call at 5pm, had the kids at 9pm. It's really strange to wake up one morning with 2 kids and to wake up the next with 4 knowing you are now the parent to all of them.

It has been going very well. Some days are very stressful for me, especially Mondays because I have several responsibilites on that day. But, each day after that gets a little better and the weekends are great. The kids have family visitations 3 days a week and one of the 2 goes to public school. This has been a lot of adjustment for us. Taking a kid to school, doing the whole public school thing has been a very strange event for me as I have homeschooled since preschool years. So much of our life revolves around our homeschooling program and public school is the twilight zone for me.

Cody and Macie are doing so well with the situation. We have to make sure Cody still gets his alone time and that Macie doesn't over dominate. She has entered into full mommy mode. She cares for them, bathes them, puts them to bed, plays games with them, teaches them how to do things, etc. She also tries to be their disciplinarian and they can't figure out that she has any authority and she can't figure out why they don't obey her. That has been our biggest challenge: keeping her from being frustrated, and teaching them that she knows the rules and she is trying to help them follow them.

The best of all of this is that we have gotten a picture of what our family would look like with more kids around.....and we like it :). I love being a mom of 4. I love seeing 6 settings at the dinner table. I love four different voices calling me "mom". I love 4 wrestlers in the den Sat. mornings. I love knowing my 2 youngest are sound asleep in the their beds and my 2 oldest are curled up with us on the couch watching our family movie for the night. All is right with the world.

It has confirmed in us our desire to adopt and we are moving more actively towards making that happen.

At this point we don't have reason to believe that these little ones would be an option but we do feel strongly about adopting from the foster system so that's the trail we are chasing.

What we don't like about this current situation: we can't all fit in one car. Anyone have a van to give away????

So there's the update and obviously our prayer requests! Sorry no pics....not allowed. I will share that it is a boy and a girl, 3 and 5 respectively. And they are both precious!

Psalm 27:13

2010-10-03T16:09:00.003-04:00

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord.

Isn't that a beautiful statement? The word "unless" is such a strong direction change in the heart of the speaker here. "I would have despaired"......so many of us have felt despair in so many circumstances. We ache over things we long for. We fervently pray for the needs of others and ourselves. We wait. And sometimes we feel like we will wait forever.

We wait for finances to come, we wait for job opportunities, we wait for healing, we wait for salvation of loved ones, we wait for children. We all have something.

So be encouraged because the Lord is good. Do not despair. Believe that you WILL see the goodness of the Lord. If you believe it, you will see it.

News!

2010-09-20T12:04:00.001-04:00

We are licensed!!!!!!

What's Up With the Hudler's

2010-08-11T08:02:00.003-04:00

Since I entered the world of Facebook, I find myself posting small blips here and there, and neglecting my blog which is where I really get to share so much more about the Lord. I'm gonna try to redirect my attention back here so that hopefully you are drawn closer to Him.

He is so good and much more worthy of the attention facebook gets. Sorry, but it's true. It's my own realization.

This summer has been somewhat coo-coo for us. We have spent a lot of time with other people and not nearly enough time with each other. I love other people, especially those we have spent so much time with. We have made some great memories and relationships have grown. But, that has basically happened outside of my home. I'm sitting here this morning almost grieving the time I lost with my family this summer. Maybe it's because the time we have had at home, someone has been sick. Maybe it's because school is about to start and it feels like summer never happened for us.

Lesson learned: Summers are for breaks. Summers are for families to be rejuvenated. Summers are sabbath times especially for families. It only comes once a year and I need to be a better steward with it!

With school about to start, I'm excited about the time I am about to have with my baby's (who aren't babies anymore). School forces us to sit together, face to face, and talk, and think, and learn. I love the way homeschooling binds us together!!

With that in mind, I am getting very nervous about the fact that our foster license could be here any day. Am I ready for another child? Have I given my current children enough attention and love to set them up for this kind of change? Have I prepared myself enough to be mom all over again? Oh...I need to stop thinking about it. Lord, prepare the way.

Good news about all the crazy summer happenings: My students are amazing!

It may not be news to you, but its truth. My Sunday school class is out of this world! Why God gave me this group, I'll never know. I don't deserve them, but gosh how I love them! And they are only in 9th grade! Four years ahead of us.....I don't know that my heart can take it :).

And we are starting this year with a new team. Can't wait to see what God is gonna do!

Other things in our lives right now include seeking mission opportunities as a family. My heart is heavy for Kenya. If I had my way a trip for next year would already be planned for and paid for. However, I think God may be working out other things. I'm okay with that, His will is my only option. But I wish I knew what He had in store for us. Don't we all!

He has done one thing for sure: my heart is wrapped around the homeless people of America.

There really is no excuse for anyone to be homeless in this country. I know it is true of some people, that they have made bad choices and they are reaping the consequences of their sin. But, I feel in my heart that this scenario is not the case for so many who are in need. I'm praying for God to move mightily in the hearts of Americans and to cause them to see others from His perspective. I'm praying for the redemption of His people, salvation for those who are lost spiritually and physically. This is what He is doing in my heart.

So, you may occasionally see posts on how our family is serving. We are about to get very intentional on acting out our faith. I hope to do the same with my ss class.

By the way, if you haven't read Radical, do so soon!!!

my baby's birthday--he's not a little kid anymore

2010-07-23T21:59:00.002-04:00

Cody turned 11 years old today! Oh my! Has it really been 11 years since I gave birth to this sweet child?? I know that I could not be any prouder of who he is becoming. I could not ask for more out of a son than the joy he brings us.

Cody is an awesome big brother. He cares about Macie more than he would like to admit. Even in times when she drives him crazy he needs to know she's OK. Since her time in the hospital, he regularly checks in with me on her condition before going to sleep at night. (night time was the worse during her illness).

He is a little man of character. Even now as he enters those highly anticipated adolescent years he is still unnerved by unrighteousness in others. I pray that this quality in him will grow stronger and stronger as temptations get harder and harder.

He is such a great example to others. Today during our music camp at church, a couple of the leaders surprised him with a "happy birthday" pie in the face. It was in front of over 100 people and he just smiled. He really did take it like a man especially considering he never knew it was coming! I was so proud of his maturity.

He is such a blessing to us and to others. I thank the Lord for this boy!

A Bright Future

2010-06-19T16:53:00.003-04:00

Brannon went home yesterday! He is eating, pooping, and recovering. He still has a long road with challenges ahead, but God has heard our cries for this sweet boy.

His condition is no longer urgent but please continue to pray for his health and restoration when the Lord brings him to your mind.

We are so very grateful for the way we have seen God so real to us. He is amazing!

Please, also, remember my sister as she faces a new trial this coming week (as I previously mentioned in post)

Thanks again friends!

Today is a great day.....He shall be praised!

2010-06-18T11:01:00.002-04:00

Brannon is on a full diet. We are about to head up to hospital to eat lunch with him. Not sit outside his room secretly eating. No. We will sit at his bedside and eat together. Praise the Lord!! He has nothing hooked up to him except when he needs a scheduled iv med. He spent 3 hours on the rooftop playing Nerf wars with friends who visited him yesterday. God is restoring him and I could not be more grateful than I am right now.

To the glory of the God, the One who is worthy of our praise!!

Praises!

2010-06-17T09:01:00.002-04:00

Brannon has turned the corner! Yesterday he had 5 bowel movements. Yes, I said 5!! The bowels are working and the stomach is improving. As of yesterday evening the plan was to turn off the tube draining his stomach and keep it off through the night. If he tolerated that ok, this morning he would get the tube out and start receiving clear liquids. Praise the Lord, The Great Physician!

I haven't spoken with my sis this morning so I don't know how the night went. I'm just so pleased about his progress that I had to share it.

Please continue to pray for his healing. He hasn't eaten in like 12 days I think. It will be a slow process and his stomach may not be ready to handle much. Pray that if the NG tube gets pulled it, it stays out. It would be horrible to have to put it back in.

On another note:

My sister is facing a new challenge, personal. It is an extremely heavy burden, and in my opinion a very unjust situation. She has been through so much caring for Brannon and all the other loads she bears. I'm praying that God would be her advocate and "help in time of trouble".

Thanks for all your prayers for my family.

Set Backs

2010-06-14T17:34:00.002-04:00

Well yesterday started out a glorious day. Brannon's bowels worked a bit. We were on such a high from such a clearly answered prayer. But the rest of the day was downhill from that. He started having severe cramping and vomiting. He was sick all night.

His bowels are showing progress. His stomach is not. It's not working at all really. It doesn't contract the way it should so nothing moves through. This is why he STILL has a tube in his nose to his tummy removing all liquids naturally made by the body (stomach). The drainage is a lot. He hasn't eaten in 9 days.

Today he had a PICC line placed to start receiving nutrition through it. They also took out NG tube and replaced it with a new one that will hopefully be more comfortable. The old one has caused sores in his nasal passages. The tape holding the tube to his cheek caused blisters on his face.

Please pray for a big turn around for him. He is suffering and it is very hard to accept especially when no one seems to have answers. This is very frustrating. It is quite a spiritual journey for me as I seek the Lord's intervention and wait. I find myself before the throne with such frustration in my heart. Yet, I know it is God Almighty who controls all things and is sovereign over all and we are desperate for Him.

I can't say my faith isn't shaken as I look upon my sweet nephew in a hospital bed suffering with no answers knowing I have spent days begging God to change this situation. It isn't a matter of unbelief. I believe He can do anything He desires and that He is as real as ever and that He hears every cry. I'm shaken over not getting my way. I'm frustrated b/c I can't change it myself and because so far God has not answered my demands.

Now, why I thought I could demand anything from God is beside me. He owes me nothing. I owe Him everything. But, how I long to see Him move in such a mighty way that no one in my family can deny its Him. I want His glory to be revealed through the healing miracle of His touch. Please continue to pray along with me.

Spent the day with Brannon

2010-06-11T21:41:00.003-04:00

We have been with Brannon the whole day and it was a great day. He played Battleship with Cody, put Lego's together, walked the hall and even laughed with us some. His spirits were good which they almost always are when he is with Cody. And here comes the "but".

But, he really needs prayer because he really needs healing. Only God can cause his body to do what it was originally created to do. Only God knows what the problem is and so only He can fix it. So please go to the throne on Brannon's behalf. Brannon's stomach is not contracting the way it should and his bowels are not moving any yet. To put it bluntly we need him to pass some serious gas. And we need the yucky stomach juices to stop filling up the canister on the wall. These things have to happen before the tube can come out of his nose and before he can have anything at all to eat or drink.

Those things also have to happen before we can really consider the surgery a success. If the bowel doesn't kick in, he is back to square one. That's a hard pill to swallow. So, please don't stop praying. Thank you so much.

More prayer needed

2010-06-11T10:34:00.002-04:00

Brannon has made some progress in terms of recovering from surgery. He walked this morning and is up in the chair.

However, his stomach is not moving fluids through as it should. He as a tube in his nose that goes down to stomach and withdraws fluid from it. It should be decreasing in amount from the very start of post surgery. Instead it is increasing. This is not a good sign.

Please pray for God to do what only he can. Specifically the stomach needs to kick into gear and start moving fluids downward into the intestines. This would be a huge success. When the stomach works the tube can come out and he can start to eat again. Without ingesting food the colon doesn't have a chance to learn how to work again. And in case you are wondering, he hasn't eaten since the weekend.

Thanks for your prayers.

Update on Brannon

2010-06-09T17:27:00.002-04:00

The surgery went well. He has a large incision vertical on his abdomen and a small area where the stoma was. He is in a lot of pain and sheer exhausted. We spent about 3 hours with him today and he never spoke a word. However, it was obvious that he was happy to have Cody sitting right beside him.

Please continue to pray for his healing, no infection and for a fully restored digestive system.

Thank you!

Prayer Request

2010-06-08T07:59:00.003-04:00

My nephew Brannon is in surgery right now having the ostomy reversed.

Please pray for several things: that the surgery is free of complications, that the colon responds well, and that the digestive system is restored completely.

If the colon is unable to work effectively, he will be facing serious complications. Only time will tell.

On another note: my stepdad Ron starts radiation tomorrow for prostate cancer. The prostate has already been removed but there is residual cancer in the same area and it is highly aggressive. He will have treatments every day through the end of July.

This is a heavy time for my extended family. Please specifically pray for my mom, the wife and grandmother to these two as she carries these burdens.

Thanks!!

2 lunches, only one home

2010-06-04T08:20:00.002-04:00

Have you seen those men, and sometimes women, who stand on a street corner with a sign declaring homelessness? I passed one yesterday.

Let me back up a bit.

Ever since Jeff and I were married the idea of people living on the streets with no shelter to call their own has been a burden to me. Many nights in the winter I fall asleep thinking of all those who are sleeping in bitter cold weather as I lay under my heating blanket on a soft mattress in my safe bedroom. And it has always unsettled me. I've wondered why God has allowed me to have my needs met in abundance while others are suffering greatly in ways I've never known or come close to knowing. I've thought about how so many Americans have all they need plus more than they need while other Americans have nothing but a sign declaring so. How can this be?

As my regular readers know, God has been teaching me much on the topic of those in need. He has been teaching me so much that I'm overwhelmed not knowing what to do with the information. My heart is changing, being changed by Him almost constantly, but I feel lost in the translation.

We have started to make practical changes in our finances so that we can do for others. This has not been easy since we do not have a surplus of finances. And it is very small steps as we ourselves work towards a debt free life. But so much is going on in my heart that a few financial changes only taps the surface of burdens I am feeling over those in need. So I'm asking God to open doors and to show me how to put into action the convictions He has given me.

Yesterday was one such opportunity.

It has been a rough week in the context of parenting. Our family has struggled for some months now with disobedience and anger. We have been in quite a slump. God has been working overtime in the Hudler home :). So yesterday as some things sorta came to a head my amazing husband decided it was time for me to have a small break.

I needed a journal type of book to help organize my prayer life and to be more diligent with memorizing scripture. This is one thing God has been showing me concerning the way things are done in my home. So off to Lifeway I went. Now, truly I could have made one myself, or just jumped over to Walmart which would have knocked an hour off the time. But, no, I had to go to Lifeway. Well guess who was on the corner at the light leading to Lifeway? Mr. Homeless.

I didn't see him at first. I was hungry for lunch but not ready to eat yet so I decided to go into store and get lunch afterwards. I didn't find what I was looking for except a basic journaling book (one which I could have gotten at Walmart). So, with plans to head to office store I decided to grab lunch first. And there he was at the light. NO doubt in my mind I was to buy two lunches that day.

I rolled down the window, and said a few things. "I got you something to eat and I want you to know that God loves you and He has not forgotten about you", I said. The man's face lit with joy. I drove off so broken I had to stop because I couldn't see to drive. Why was I broken? I mean I was able to feed the man. God had given me an opportunity to put into action what has been on my heart begging to come out as reality. I was broken because I couldn't do more. He may have had a full belly for lunch but he still had nowhere to lay his hand. He would still spend the day under a tree at a stoplight with a sign while I shopped, headed home to ac, a well cut yard, kids playing in the water with friends, and food for dinner. I would sit at the table and play rummikub with my family. I would take pics of my growing garden to send to my grandparents in pride. I would rock on my back porch, Bible in hand, and the peace of God in my heart. And he still stood on the corner.

Something has got to change. I can't force others to have the same convictions as I. I can't make you turn off your tvs and send that money overseas so nationals can buy themselves a bike to travel miles into villages to proclaim Christ. I can't force you to shop at Aldi's to practically cut your grocery bill in half so you can send that extra money to organizations attempting to purify water so people can drink without fear of dying.

I can't persuade you to live any differently than you do now. But I can change. And I plan to.

Radical-Self Abandonment

2010-06-01T09:16:00.003-04:00

I have been reading Radical by David Platt (thanks to my friend Wendi and the Lord for blessing me). Before this I was reading Revolution in Missions by KP Yohanan. Before this my heart was stirring for missions related ideas. Actually God has been working on my heart in terms of missions for about 4 years now. It started in Spartanburg and was fueled intensely once arriving to Thomasville. Our church is heavily involved in mission work around the world. We have friends that are missionaries in Kenya and I went on my first overseas mission trip last summer to Romania. These are very minor details compared to all that God is doing in my heart. He has worked more there than I have even been able to notice. However, I'm seeing more and more what He has been up to. I feel a radical change happening in me.

There have been many ways that I have felt like a radical person, one who does things different than the world would expect or accept. But, as God has been slowly revealing to me (thank goodness for His patience) the truths of His word I am now realizing that there's not much radical living in our lives afterall. Sure, I homeschool, which automatically labels me as odd, abnormal, and cultish (not sure that's a word). I do not work though I have a degree as an RN.
I actually enjoy my kids and my husband more than anyone else on the earth and I rarely want to be away from any of them. And I have a group of middle school students that I have been with for 3 years, plan to be with for 4 more, and I couldn't be happier about that. And now my family is waiting for our fostering license.

We have made choices based on what we think pleases God and we have felt radical at times. Now I know we have missed the mark. Scripture describes an abandoned life. A follower of Christ is one who "denies himself, picks up his cross, and follows Christ". "Follows Christ" doesn't mean you go where He went or serve like He served. It means you experience what He experienced: self abandonment for the sake of others, to save them.

One of the things that I have been trying to teach my students is that there are great needs out there and they are capable of meeting some of those needs. I want them to want to serve others. We have talked a lot about the injustices of the world and how they can make a difference if they follow Christ's example. Then I had quite a revelation from all that God has been showing me. My lack of self abandonment causes others to suffer and that is truly injustice. There is so much more that I could do if I abandoned my own self sufficiency. It's not about what we can do with what we have. It's about what we can do when we don't have. The less I have the more I can give.

If I don't pay $30/month for cable than I can give $30/month for people to have clean water. Clean water friends.....is that too much for a person to ask?

If I don't spend money on extra clothes to increase my wardrobe, I can send that money to national missionaries who are desperately trying to reach their own people for Christ.

If I choose to have beans and rice as a meal (which happens to be delicious with some cheese and sour cream) instead of eating out, than that extra $15-$25 can help support our friends serving in Kenya as they teach the locals how to prosper for themselves with their chicken farm. Or maybe that $20 or so will help the street boys who are in bondage to addictions and homeless at 9 years old (younger than my son Cody) to find food and a home, and to find a Savior who will free them in every way.

The less I have, the more I can give. Americans are surrounded with abundance. Compared to what is happening in 3rd world countries I am more and more saddened by our own state of well being. It is not that I wish to suffer or that I think Americans should suffer the way others do. However, I do believe that we are blessed for a reason and we are missing the point. We have so that we can give. It's called stewardship and we are called to be great stewards. We are failing. God has given to us so that we can give to them. Yet, as a nation, and typically as individuals we are in debt. We are hurting ourselves in our over-sufficiency, and we are hurting others who have no other way. That is the injustice that I'm so unsettled about.

And it's not just 3rd world countries who are hurting, it's our neighbor. When our church held an event called "Hope Lives" we saw how many people in our own area were in great need. When God talks about helping and reaching the nations He isn't speaking about geographical boundaries that man, and government, has set. He is speaking about people groups. He is saying that we need to reach anyone who has a need. What I'm realizing is that I'm too busy meeting my own needs to meet others. God is showing me that I'm missing the point. Self abandonment. That's what He is calling me to. Sounds radical huh?

Was Christ anything but radical? No. Have you ever heard of anything more radical than the cross? And scripture tells me that if I am to call myself a follower I must deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. Radical.

I pray that He shows this to us all. And I pray that I obey.

Gardens

2010-05-26T07:49:00.003-04:00

As my lovely friend Wendi put it, we are expecting! Corn that is. Well also, okra, green beans, zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, and red peppers.

This is our first garden. I grew up around gardens and have always wanted one. Our wonderful neighbors (who are like built-in grandparents that came with the house) helped us get one started. We are enjoying watching what was once a few seeds become a harvest.

I'm reminded how scripture teaches us about the harvest in the world. So many people are ready to hear the gospel, yearning to know about the freedom found in Christ.

I'm anxious to see how much I get from this garden. I can't wait to see what our work in this garden produces.

I wonder how much God desires to see the fruit of His labor. I wonder how strongly He anticipates those who will call on Him. I wonder if we, as workers of His garden, are doing enough. Actually I know we aren't because I know I'm not.

Every time I look at the garden I'm reminded that there are more precious seeds to be planted. There is a lot of work to do. Hope I don't miss the opportunities God gives to work in His garden!

Happy Birthday MayMay

2010-05-15T15:29:00.003-04:00

Macie is now 9 years old today. I love this picture because it is so true of her: she is a princess of the King and she is our monkey!! We thank God for her life, her energy, her inquisitive nature, her adventurous soul, and her compassion for those in need. She is a true blessing to this world! Happy Birthday MayMay!! We love you!

The Joy of Childhood

2010-05-06T20:01:00.009-04:00

I love watching my kids enjoying life. It is such a comfort to see my children just being kids and having fun. There are so many yucky things out there. There is so much heartache. So, I'm very grateful for these moments below.

Cody....'Jedi Master'

Scene 1

Scene 2

Scene 3

Macie is loving her new position as a swimteam member

Working those legs

Learning:

Backyard water fun:

Love moments like these! They had just crashed!

The sweetest boy I've ever met!

She totally cracked herself up

Oh how I give thanks for this:

Any Ideas?

2010-05-04T07:24:00.002-04:00

Hi Friends,
So, many of you know that we have a repeat offender in our home. One who struggles quite a bit with consistent obedience, uuuuummmm, or just obedience period. This special child needs some creative parenting.

So, I'm asking for ideas that you may have which have helped you train/discipline your child. Maybe it is something you heard through church, Focus on the Family, friends. Please nothing traditional----we've been there and done that. I need creative and productive.

We are working on a new system for our home, one which will bring glory to God, and direct each of us to Him.

Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated.

Even if you don't have children, but you know of something someone does that is effective or you know of something your parents do that really has an effect on you, please share.

Thank you!!

Tidbits

2010-05-02T20:54:00.003-04:00

So, as you can see, I am working on revamping my blog. I don't know if "revamping" is actually a word, but you know what I mean. Sorry for all the chaos it causes, but isn't it prettier :)!

I don't have much to say in this post, but I did want to mention I'm trying to jump the bandwagon of runners in the world. And it ain't easy. My abdomen screams at me in the form of a burning cramp. Anyone know how to NOT get that cramp?

At this point, I'm making it about 30 yards at a time, then I'm back to walking. Pitiful, I know. But it's a start!

Last thought: Macie had her last check up at the Hospital from the meningitis saga. She is back to normal, all symptoms of the disease are gone! We continue to praise God for her healing, knowing things could be so different.

If you have time, click on the button for Chrissie on the right-hand side. Read a little and pray a lot for her. God is doing miracles in her life and it is quite a story.

Pursuit of Purpose

2010-04-25T16:32:00.002-04:00

Advice from Kay Arthur for when someone is starting in ministry:

"Don't seek a ministry, seek God. As you seek God, before the foundation of the world, God chose you in Christ (Eph 1:3). You are His workmanship (Eph 2:10), in Christ Jesus unto good works that God has ordained for you to walk in. So discovering my ministry should not be the goal of my life -- but discovering my God should"

As I am learning what my life should look like from His perspective, I find myself searching how to worship Him with things I do. I keep trying to choose behaviors that prove my loyalty. I think, "How much more can I do with my students?" or "How much more can I do in the church to show my allegiance to Him?" I want God to see me worshipping Him as I do and do and do.

But what Kay's comment makes me realize is that God wants my allegiance, period. He wants me to search Him, to pursue Him, to become like Him. Wouldn't that be the ultimate way of worshipping Him.....to be like Him?

I think God has "a ministry" planned for every believer. But, I think it happens as a result of pursuing Him. It will happen naturally as we are molded in His likeness. Jesus just lived who He was and it served a world. But He didn't come to start a ministry or to accomplish certain deeds. He just came and lived as the Son of God. His accomplishments were a result of who He was and is, not what He did. I'm NOT saying the cross was in vain. I'm saying He went to the cross because of His love for us and His obedience to the Father. The cross was the natural result of the Father's love for us, in order to redeem us. Jesus followed His Father's path, which led Him to the cross, and then to a glorious resurrection. And because of that, we are redeemed!

If I live in obedience to Him, the world around me will be served. I will be accomplishing things for the kingdom on a regular basis because it is His will for us to love and serve others. Ministry is a result of obedience. It is not a project. It is not a mission.

To make the point even further: if I exercise, I lose weight (another thing on my mind lately :)). The more I do it, the more true that statement will be. Same with Christianity. If I pursue Him, I will gain Him and the less I will look like me. And the more others will see Him.

So I encourage you, and admonish myself, to stop trying so hard to prove something. Just pursue Him wholeheartedly and let God handle the results.

Getting out of His way

2010-04-21T15:10:00.002-04:00

I just had a fantastic weekend. God was so very good to me. He blessed me in so many ways. It was d*weekend for our youth group. If you know me at all, you know I was head deep in it. I am so glad God has called me to work in this youth group, with these kids and fellow leaders.

The week leading up to the start of the event was trying to my soul. You know the enemy seeks to destroy Christians in their spirit and in their devotion to the Lord. He was working hard on me. Few know this, but Friday around lunch, I was not only wishing the weekend to be over, but I was ready to back out all together. Boy, would I have missed out!

God showed up all over the place and I am still on quite a high! He used my husband and a dear friend to encourage me and to bring me back to His mercy and grace. And when I walked into the venue where it was held, God met me there. He met me right where I needed Him and it changed me.

I spent the weekend with 7 of my dearest friends and I was just as much a student as they were. I think we all, as an entire youth group, were on level playing ground. God had the same message for us all, to live lives of worship.

Our youth pastor let God speak so clearly through him, so transparent. This was true of one of the members of the band as well. There was such genuine love of God displayed that it only made me want to worship Him more. This was the topic of the weekend: Worship.

We are all worshipping something, and we are worshipping all the time. Every decision we make, every behavior we exhibit shows our allegiance to something or someone. For me, it's me. I do so much with myself in mind. It is often subconsciously, but nonetheless it's true. And I can always look back on statements I make and realize how self-centered they were. It is such an automatic for me to serve myself. Oh I wish it was automatic for me to serve Him instead.

That is what He wants for me. "He must increase, I must decrease." John 3:30

I so badly want my whole life to worship Him. It is my new found purpose--to get out of His way!

Praises

2010-03-30T08:21:00.002-04:00

Good Morning,

We slept all night long!!! It was wonderful. This time, though, I was the one with the crazy dreams that caused me to be restless through the night. But, that's ok because we still slept.

Macie is so much better. I will re-introduce her to the world again today as we go have lunch with our homeschool group that meets every Tuesday. I wasn't ready to send her for the day knowing she would be sitting with germy kiddos. So, we are hanging out at home about to give some schoolwork a try.

She is still having mild headaches. I am praying they subside very soon so she can play without being interrupted by pain. Other than the headaches she is doing really well.

I also have good news about our friend Emily Hallman. They received excellent news last night that the cancer is less severe than originally expected. It is still cancer but a stage one cancer is better than any other stage. We are continuing to pray for healing.

A Good Morning and a Lot of Gratitude

2010-03-29T10:48:00.002-04:00

Hey Friends,

Macie has had a very good morning. She has had a steady mild headache but has still been able to sit up and eat and play cards with Cody. Yesterday she was horizontal 80% of the day.

She has her attitude back too, but I'm so okay with that!

Another night has gone by and still waking up. It's bad dreams, not pain, and I know she will likely continue to have restless sleep this week. I'm praying that God fills her nights with peace. She needs it and we do too.

So many of you have done great things for us over the past 10 days or so. This is the scariest thing we have ever faced with our children. I knew, though, that when I passed along a new discovery in her symptoms, or the scheduling of another test, or a possible diagnosis it was immediately being lifted in prayer.

And then Thursday night, as we were given news that she was sick but would be ok and we would likely go home the next morning, you all rejoiced right with us. And I knew you were truly happy and as relieved as us. It was so genuine.

And it was just as genuine the next morning as we made plans for testing of Leukemia and I could barely stand on my weak legs. Jeff quickly called friends and you all were surrounding us with in an hour. I knew that no matter the result, people would carry us through.

It is something awesome to see God's church kick into action when there is a need. We experienced that so strongly. I now understand how people who face great trials make it through. God is so able to do more than we can hope for. And He uses us, His body, and now that I have been on the receiving side, I know what a marvel it is.

Our struggle was intense but it was short lived. So many others are in deep trenches and need encouragement, they need hope, they need to be carried.

My friend Jamie Hallman is one of those. I mentioned her daughter Emily several days ago. Please continue to pray for her, all of them, family of 5. They are in a very deep trench and my heart aches for this mom.

I know at times it can seem trivial to just say "I'm praying for you". We feel like we have to do something tangible to be effective. Friends, it is not true. Prayer is the most powerful ability we have. So don't stop praying for little Emily, and others who need God's intervention.

Thank you so very much for carrying us through.

Not the a great start to the day :(

2010-03-28T10:00:00.002-04:00

I can't wait to see Macie well again. Having a sick child is so hard on a mother's heart.

Right now I pray for every parent out there that is caring for a sick child, whether it is a simple cold or monstrous cancer. Anything that takes the joy from a child weighs heavy on the heart and only the Lord can really tend to that. So, I pray that He does for every parent in need of it.

Macie had a decent night last night. We didn't go to bed until about 11 so that we could give her one last dose of Tylenol before settling in for the night. She woke up around 3:30 with bad dreams. (Can't imagine why)

She woke up this morning looking forward to a trip to Cracker Barrel. One of her friends brought her a sock frog from Cracker Barrel and it is the cutest thing. So she wanted to spend the money she has gotten there and plus have a yummy breakfast.

As we were getting ready her head began to hurt. We let her decide if she still wanted to go and she did. We got there, she was obviously aching, but still wanted to at least go into the store. It took about 2 mins and she was done. No toy, no breakfast. We ran through a drive thru in hopes she would eat a biscuit. At this point her head, stomach, and back were hurting. She whimpered and shifted restlessly in her seat the whole way home.

Now she's laying down again and trying to eat. The headaches are coming because of the spinal taps she had. They cause a change in the pressures of the head and when she gets up it is really affected.

The meningitis of course also causes headaches but I think these are from the taps.

I handled everything well in the hospital, until they brought up leukemia. But now that we are home I am really struggling. There isn't much I can do for her and I really want my adventurous healthy MayMay back.

Please don't stop praying for her healing. She isn't in the hospital anymore, but she is still sick and we are still very tired and feeling helpless for her.

We continue to covet your prayers.

What to pray for now..

2010-03-27T15:22:00.002-04:00

Macie is doing ok. Her symptoms from the meningites are decreasing. Now she is having to deal with the back aches and headaches. The back aches are from the procedures she had done: 2 spinal taps and bone marrow aspiration. The headaches are from those procedures and/or the meningitis. So, we don't know how long those will come and go. The one she had today was bad and it is really hard for me to see her hurt, especially after such a long and tiring week. So pray for us both. Thank you!

Going Home!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-27T08:46:00.002-04:00

Pathologist gave us the clear on her spinal fluid. The abnormal cells were infectious but not cancerous. So the final diagnosis is viral meningitis and we couldn't be happier!

We will hopefully be home after lunch!

Thank you for all your prayers!

Praise The Lord!!!

2010-03-26T18:53:00.002-04:00

Bone Marrow is C.L.E.A.R.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The relief is unexplainable!

We don't have all the results yet regarding the spinal fluid. There are some abnormal cells that are being analyzed and some rare diseases still possible. BUT, leukemia scare is gone, at least 99.9999%.

So we are still anticipating those results but feeling really encouraged.

It is possible that we will be going home tomorrow.

Thank you for continuing to pray!

more test, more questions

2010-03-26T13:34:00.002-04:00

Well, we thought we had a clear diagnosis, but not so much, at least not for sure.

They are seeing some abnormal cells from the csf fluid (spinal fluid).

There are several things that cause certain abnormalities in the fluid....meningitis is one of them. Leukemia is another.

She is having a bone marrow aspiration and a 2nd spinal tap this afternoon to rule out the more serious and scary diagnosis.

We are still hopeful that it is meningitis. Have you ever wanted your child to have meningitis? I do.

Please keep praying for answers and for strength. Thank you. May God be glorified

today's events

2010-03-25T09:39:00.002-04:00

Oh my gosh! I can't believe we are STILL in the hospital. Jesus!, Set your people free!

Ok, now that I got that out.....

LP didn't happen. Macie caught a glimpse of the setup and then saw the neurologist drawing up some med in a syringe, and then she was done. Even with sedation she was not consolable. It was a hard day with that whole event, hard on a mom's heart.

So it was rescheduled for today at 4pm. She will be in a sedation suite and will never know that anything is happening.

It seems like we will be able to leave tonight, but not promised.

The LP will show if there is increased intracranial pressure. If so she will get meds to treat it. If it is normal, we will leave with a likely diagnosis of post viral neuro involvement. That just means that she had a virus that ended up affecting her neurologically and all will return to normal in time.

Her vision is better today. She has iv fluids going so she is peeing more.

She can't eat until after LP is done so I'm asking for specific prayer that there is a cancellation early in the day and she gets moved up.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. Those of you that visited MayMay yesterday made her day. It was such a blessing to all of us to see love poured out on her.

Side note: please also be praying for Emily Hallman. She is Macie's age, autistic, and had a tumor removed from her spine this week. She had an MRI this am and hoping to see no more tumor anywhere.

The things that were scary to us are the very things that the Hallman family are actually going through. So please, if you think of Macie, think of Emily too!

another update

2010-03-24T10:17:00.002-04:00

Ok. MRI wasn't very helpful. Stink!

She is having a lumbar puncture in just a few minutes to see if there are problems with intracranial pressure. Still unanswered questions so some frustration on our end.

Pray: obviously, for answers
that she can be still after LP is done. she has to lie flat for 1-2 hours. yuck
that we go home today, still possible
thank you

Macie Update

2010-03-23T11:27:00.003-04:00

Thank you for the prayers already lifted.

Macie was admitted to the hospital Sunday and we are still there. And we are still testing for different things. The main concern at this point is that her vision is altered and are eye movement is abnormal, but it is slight. She already has had a normal ct scan and is about to go for an MRI any minute now. They are checking for an abnormality with a cranial nerve resulting from the virus she has had in her system the past several weeks. We are hoping that is confirmed because it will be an actual answer and it will get better in time. If not confirmed by MRI she will see neurologist and discuss further testing.

Her stomach is not hurting today (first time in 12 days) and she slept well. We feel like she is turning a corner from that aspect. She is asking for food which she can't have until after MRI is done. This is the first time she has asked for food without being prompted since last Friday. So there are some good things happening for her this morning.

We are praying this is the last test and the last day of being in the hospital.

Oh, we are also waiting for urine culture to come back as first urinalysis was abnormal. Hopefully that won't be something that keeps us hospitalized.

Thanks again for your prayers!

PS. If we stay again tonight, and you are capable of visiting I'm sure she would love to see a friend. :)

Pray for Macie

2010-03-21T12:43:00.002-04:00

Hi friends,
Macie has been feeling badly for a week and 1/2 now. During last week she had highs and lows, playing at times normally and then stuck by my side with a belly ache at others. This weekend everything worsened and she has been a different child. I'm too tired to put all the details in this post, but please just pray that she recovers quickly. Specifically pray for her appetite. She has not eaten since Friday and that meal did not stay in. She is also complaining of vision changes and we can't quite make sense of it all. I'm praying that she will start to eat and all the oddities of what she's experiencing will dissipate and we'll have our regular Macie back.

Thanks for your prayers.

It has begun!

2010-03-18T17:52:00.002-04:00

Foster Classes.....I can't believe I'm taking foster classes. It is so strange simply because I never imagined this as a part of my life. The first 30 mins of class I kept reminding myself of where I was and why I was there. Again it was strange.

When the shock wore off, I settled in and just started taking all the information into my overloaded head. Wow, it's a lot to think about. I mean you already know that fostering is a big deal and not to be taken lightly, but, wow. It so much more than just having another kid around.

I'm excited, though, anticipating how God is going to use us as a family. That's the thing for me. This something that we all get to serve in. Each one of my family gets the opportunity to minister to others through this process. We all have a role to play and I love that.

When Jeff knew that God was calling him into full time ministry, we knew He was calling our whole family. This is such a tangible expression of us all being a part of that calling.

So, we have 9 weeks to go. That's a lot of paperwork, role playing, and q/a's. But it is an awesome experience.

If you ever been interested in fostering and have questions I would love to try to answer them as we learn new things each week.

Prayer Request for a friend

2010-03-04T21:23:00.003-05:00

Please lift up my friend to the Lord. Her name is Sherry. Her family has been through a lot of trials over the past couple of years with the most recent being the loss of her father over the holidays. She has just learned that her son has a tumor on his brain. His name is Danny and he is married and has a daughter, with another on the way. The hope is that it is benign.

Sherry is a godly woman and spiritual mentor to me. She trusts heavily in the Lord and His sovereignty. Please pray that God would grant her strength and endurance as she faces another trial.

Also pray, if you will, for Danny's healing and strength for his wife and family.

Thanks friends

We Have Entered a New World......

2010-02-27T08:52:00.004-05:00

The world of fostering.

I can't believe we are here. So strange to think about.

So far in my life I have had 3 things that are true of me now, that I originally never thought would be so.

1--I NEVER thought I would be a homeschooling mom. Makes me chuckle still, even after 6 years of it.

2--I never thought I would be married to someone in full time ministry. I've always loved everything about church. It has continued to be a major force in my life. But, I didn't ever expect it to be on such a level. For those of you who don't know, my husband worked in the oil industry for 18 years and I was an RN. Now we both have 2 main focuses in our lives: our home (and all that it encompasses) and our church. And I dearly love both!

3--Never in a million years, would I have thought I would be a foster parent. This one surprises me the most.

And it is just so funny to me to look at the road that has brought me here. If you are completely uninterested in this part of my life you should "x out" now. For the rest of you, here's looking back:

During high school and into college, all but one job (out of 3 or4) involved childcare. I was always taking care of other people's children and learned a lot of how to meet the needs of different children. In nursing school I worked with one family providing care for 2 children whose dad didn't live with them and mom worked full time. As a nurse I worked in the well baby nursery and with postpartum moms, often working with foster and adoptive situations. (Even then, never imagined myself as one of those moms involved in such). Also never imagined that God was exposing me to my future.

As a married adult I took care of a friend's newborn, plus my two, so that she could work.

Several years ago Jeff took care of a friend's 3 kids, plus our two, every Sun. night so that we could be with students for Bible Study.

Last year I took in my nephew as an addition to our homeschooling program while he suffered from a medical condition which kept him out of his regular school.

God has used us time and again to provide for children who weren't necessarily "ours". I've never thought much about this aspect of our lives, but now I see it as all pieces of this puzzle unfolding before us.

There are many other ways in which God has set the stage of fostering for us. And I think He will continue to reveal more as time goes by.

I realize that fostering is so much more than babysitting. But God has been teaching us for so long how to love those, who come our way non-traditionally sometimes, as our own. And I can see how he has created Cody and Macie to follow suit. In fact, they are both so much ahead of us in this that they are teaching us a few things.

Yesterday, we as a family, had the incredible opportunity to serve our friends in a very small way. I think the way my kids served them the most was in the way they ministered to their kids.

I have not taught my kids to love others the way they do. I wish I could say differently but then I would miss God's great design. He has put something in them that causes them to love other kids and to have compassion for others. Friends, we may try but you can't teach some things.

I haven't taught Macie to deny herself and to put all her energy into a one year old boy no matter how exhausted she is. Yet, she showed me yesterday that she wanted to serve him no matter what it asked of her. "Macie, can you change his diaper? Macie, can you get that piece of food he dropped? Macie, can you take him into the other room and jump with him on the bed? Macie, do this. Macie, do that. Macie, why is he crying?" And so on and so on. She never complained, never rolled her eyes. This was all while she was trying to eat her own meal. I don't think it's because she is that cooperative. It's because God made her to love other kids selflessly. Why? For such a time as this.

And Cody follows the same pattern. Watch him light up when Sonya catches his eye or Olivia gives him a grin.

I haven't taught Cody to love other cultures and races. He was born to.

They both are true servants and please know I don't say that pridefully. I know I haven't exhibited in my life what I see in theirs.

God was working in them to work on me.

When we started this process, I basically took the stance of "our family won't be able to handle taking in kids like that"; or "can't we just adopt and be done?" But God has been showing me that our family was meant for this.

I'm still scared of this fostering world. I'm still unsure of what's ahead but I know we are doing what we are supposed to be and I can't wait to learn more from my kids as they teach me how to deny myself for the sake of others.

I know it is likely that you have read or heard this passage of scripture before. Please read it again. God is reminding me of it's truth and He is expecting me to serve Him by serving others. He is expecting us all to do so.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you , or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

Taking a "side trip"

2010-02-02T19:40:00.004-05:00

We are getting closer to being at that place where we are comfortable with jumping in to adoption. We have 2 debts that we want to pay off first. One is almost gone!! Praise the Lord!

The other is a little more daunting then the first, but God has a history of proven faithfulness. He has called us to increase our family and provide for those who are in need. I know that, because it is His direction, He will clear the path that we may walk it in obedience.

As for the adoption itself, we were at the place of finally figuring out that it should be domestic and we were feeling much more settled with fundraising attempts. However, no matter how much I fight the pull towards fostering, God just will not leave me alone about it. Jeff has always been completely fine with the idea of being a foster family. Me....not at all.

I see fostering as a revolving door type of home. I don't want that. Just being honest here. I want to be a forever home for a child who may never know what a home is like apart from me. I want a child in need of a father to meet my husband, who is phenomenal as a husband and a dad. I want a child who needs a brother and sister to know my Macie and my Cody, who will love and accept him or her as their own.

We all have so much love for this child that we have never met. And the thought of meeting this child for a possible temporary relationship is so hard to imagine.

But then God says, "is this for you or for the child?"

And I have to take a hard look at my motives.

I pray that if God truly leads us to foster that He would allow it to be a situation that leads to adoption. Oh how I pray that.

So with all that said, we will be taking the fostering classes this spring before we move forward in any other ways. Hopefully at the end or even before, we will have a clear picture of God's desire for us.

Side note: Please notice the dresses I have for sale. These profits will help us to continue to move forward with whatever adventure we are headed for.

What's Ahead in 2010?

2010-01-13T17:39:00.002-05:00

2009 was filled with trials. God allowed some difficult things to happen, not only in my immediate family but my extended family as well. It has been a year of sincere dependence on Him, and some much needed growth in our lives. We have all been stretched beyond our comfort zones and I give thanks for His work in us.

And apparently He still desires to stretch us more......He has put the desire in our hearts to grow our family. I have posted on this before as we began to discuss it, actually about 2 years ago. I don't think I posted much on it until around the spring of last year when we began to talk with more commitment in our hearts.

Several years ago, 7 years to be exact, we decided that 2 was enough. Our family was very comfortable. We had the blessing of having a boy and a girl and they were a great difference in ages. We were content and saw no need to let "fate" control our situation. By-the-way, I don't believe anything in life is controlled by some kind of fate, but only by the complete sovereignty of God, Creator. So how I thought a small surgery would keep Him from completing His plan for me is so ridiculous. And I actually began to pray that God would bypass any thing we had done to prevent pregnancy. He didn't choose to. So what then?

I knew our family wasn't done and Jeff agreed. We didn't really know what that meant though, adoption or fostering. We have been working through this decision for almost a year and we have had many stages to go through. We had a time of being still, and of waiting for God. We have had a time of research and anticipation. It has all culminated to a clear direction from Him that it is time.

And so.....we are in the very early stages of beginning an adoption. We are looking at a domestic private adoption. We have a specific financial goal we are trying to meet before we enter into a contract to begin the actual process of adoption. If you want to know 'why domestic' look back at my post in Aug. where I describe the lessons I learned in Romania. Also, God said so :).

Please pray for us as we are anxious to get this adventure started but know there are things to take care of first.

By the way, God may have said no to bypassing our mistake, but He has made clear why: a child exist or will exist that will not have what he/she needs unless someone says "we have room for you". That is the heart of our family; we have room.

Why Christmas Means So Much To Me

2009-12-11T22:08:00.005-05:00

I have wanted to write so much more about Christmas than I have had time to. My heart is drawn to Christ during this time, more so than any other. I have found myself thinking more and more of Him who we celebrate. But, the thing I have thought most about is the fact that we barely celebrate Him at all.

If you took a survey about Christmas, especially among Christians, you would hear that it is the season in which we celebrate His birth. Yet, so much of the things going on around me have very little to do with Him.

It saddens me.

I have kids and I get so excited about buying them things. I look forward to seeing them showered with gifts on Christmas morning. We talk alot about their wish list almost daily and I'm so thankful for a time when I can focus on them in a way I'm not able to other times of the year.

But, what does any of that have to do with Christ?

Everything!!

Why do I shower them in gifts every December 25th? Is it because Santa deemed them worthy and I got the go ahead from him? Could they have possibly been good enough to earn such wealth of things? And what exactly is "good enough". What is the standard there?

I can tell you it is not because anyone deemed them good, it is not because they earned it, and it certainly is not because they met the standard of any man on this earth. I hope they never aim to meet the standards of the world. It is because I love them the way Christ loves me and it is because He gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for........His life.

You see, I could never be good enough, could never earn what I've been given, could never meet the standards set for me. But, God knew that, so He set a plan in motion to redeem me. That redemption came through Christ. It is because of that Gift that I shower my kids in gifts. I want them to understand what unearned love is like. I want them to know how to accept free gifts and then to live lives in gratitude to the giver.

This is my goal. I want to live in response to the gift I've been given. I want my children to do the same.

Please be reminded this season that there is so much more to celebrating Christmas than a man in a red suit. He is fun, but he is not eternal. He may be known for giving gifts and doing good for others, but he didn't give his life in death so that you and I could live. That is Christ and He deserves the glory!!

Here are some scriptures to help us remember what He has done for us:

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

For grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17

Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

Prayer Request for a friend

2009-11-18T20:29:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to put a plug out there for my dear friend Emily and her incredible family, all of which are dear to us. They are nearing the end (praise God) of their adoption journey. They have one final thing that has to happen: pass the courts. In order to do that, they need a court date scheduled. Please pray that those in authority would move quickly and their hearts would continue to be stirred for the families waiting on the other side of a very big ocean for their child to come home.

2 reasons for this specific request:
1-Courts are closed all of Dec. If there's no date in November, they will have to wait until after the New Year. Readers......they have seen her face, they know her in every way possible right now. Can you imagine what it would be like to know your son or daughter is waiting for your love when you have seen her and loved her for so long already yet you can't get to her? Not a fun place to be....

2-As soon as they get a court date they can purchase airline tickets and get all the travel plans set. Beginning Dec. 1st, cost of tickets literally triple. Triple I say! We're talkin a whole new fundraiser and there isn't time for that.

So, please pray for them.

If you want the full scoop on their story go to the blog listed on my list as "Journey to Rwanda"

Thanks Friends!

It's on it's way....Let's make it count!

2009-11-07T15:54:00.003-05:00

Psalm 16:5-6 The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

Okay, I know we haven't gotten to Thanksgiving yet, but I can't help but already be in the Christmas mindset. I love Christmas. The more I get to know God and grow in my Christian faith, the more I love Christmas. I love what it does to people. For a short time it brings goodness where it's lacking, generosity where there is greed, kindness where there is hostility, patience where there is intolerance, love where there is hate. Christmas is such a testament to the One it celebrates. It makes my heart want to be more and more lined up with His as I am reminded what my life should be like. It truly is a shame that these attitudes and Christlike behaviors are only glorified for a season, and not a lifetime. I speak about myself. I wish I could be in that "celebratory attitude" of Christ ALL the time.

I don't think I realized how important Christmas is to me and my faith until I heard a very unexpected comment out of someone yesterday. Wish list were the topic of choice and I made a comment about not destroying catalogues with markings. Well the comment I made led to this response, "then Christmas is useless". Even typing that to tell this story makes my heart sad again.

Once it was said it felt as if everything I believed, my entire conviction on who Jesus is, was mocked and trampled upon. It hurt my heart so intensely that I had to call my mom and weep until the hurt had eased.

The person who said it meant no harm at all. He/she let a knee jerk response come out without really thinking about the words first. And the maturity level would not have allowed better discernment. But, in thinking about this event over the past 24 hours, it has opened my eyes to an important lesson.

Our culture does not honor the King as He deserves. It's not just the Santa issue, or greediness, or even selfishness. It's complacency.

As Christians, young or old, our lives should celebrate Him EVERY DAY we have the breath to do so. We should not have to be reminded by a calendar, a toy catalogue, a holiday gathering, or a wish list. He is not just goodness "12 days" out of the year. He is the Savior of the world, He is my Hope.

If none of us ever receive another gift as long as we live, if we never see a decorated tree, or hear sleigh bells ring, and if we never have another chance to make a wish list......let us be reminded, oh God, that You have given us your all. You are our inheritance, our portion, and our revelation. May we never forget all that we have in You and may we celebrate with our lives giving thanks in all things to the One who redeems.

Lamentations 3:24 "The Lord is my portion", says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."

Lock-Ins, Discipleship, and New Discoveries

2009-10-11T20:52:00.002-04:00

I have had such a blessed weekend. Nine girls just left my home after spending 2 hours listening to me give advice to them about remaining pure. I had 2 hours to share with them some of God's expectations for them and the help He has provided. I don't know if you can imagine the joy it is to be around young girls who actually listen, who actually ask for advice, and who actually may live according to that advice. I am so blessed.

I'm talking about my discipleship group. Last year, our quaint group consisted of 4 girls plus myself. I grew to love them so very much. They are my other children. My life is so enhanced by my relationship with each of them. And now we have 9! The "originals" thought it was going to be quite a challenge to open our group to newcomers, but for me it has been such blessing. They are all sharing, confirming one another, building each other up as I sit and watch, and listen, feeling so privileged to be a part of it. Oh how thankful I am to the Lord for my girls!

And the night before last, I spent the entire night with these same girls and about 20 or so other youth at a lock-in. Besides being up until 4am and then laying on a concrete floor covered with thin carpet for the next 4 hours, it too was an amazing night.

One huge blessing was my daughter Macie, who is 8 years old and up for ANY challenge. She was so much fun! She participated in everything with everyone all the way up til bedtime, which was 3am. She was full speed ahead and she was lovin' it. We talked last night before bed about how much fun we had doing it together and the memories we made. I love that I serve a church that ministers to my whole family and allows us to serve as a whole unit. My husband and son were there as well but couldn't stay the night because of illness. (Sorry Codyman!)

The discovery that I made was how much I love young girls. At one point in the night, around 3:30 am, I was sitting on the floor and began to notice the pile of young girls circled around me in balls sound asleep, 2 of which had their heads in my lap. There were 3 grades represented among those girls and I adore all of them.

In the past 5 months or so, God has woven together relationships in my life, and I'm not really sure how it has happen, but I am so grateful for it! They have sorta just happened and I am realizing that God has a plan here. (Because I don't believe anything just happens) I'm seeing that girls really need someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to love them unconditionally. I'm not always reliable, and I mess up sometimes, um, a lot of times, but I do love them unconditionally.

I'm discovering that I want more of this. I want more girls to love on, to encourage, to tell the truth to. I want a bigger audience to hear what God is teaching me. I believe He is creating these relationships in my life to give me more opportunities to share who He is and how He loves them like nobody on earth ever could.

So, I'm praying for direction. I'm praying that God will equip me to point them all to Him. I'm praying He will grow my boundaries and dissolve my limitations and use me in the lives of the girls of our youth group. And I'm praying that I not fail to be obedient to Him.

He is It

2009-10-03T20:24:00.003-04:00

First I want to encourage my readers to check out the blog listed as 'the journey' in my blog list.

As I read the latest entry I was forced to tears as I realize how badly I want you all to know Him. Everyday I make a choice between selfish desires and holy living. Why? Why do I even consider this matter? Why is there a choice? How and why does it resonate in me? Is it possible to just live for nothing at all? To just live?

So many people, so many of you are living day in and day out for nothing but the next day. Forgive my bluntness, but I believe God wants us all to know that He is it. He is why we exist. He is how we exist.

If there is ever a time when things seem pointless, or when all motivation for any good is gone then I believe it is because we have lost sight of Him. This world is in desperate need. Individuals are in desperate need. I am in desperate need. Need of hope. Need of endurance. Need of peace. Nothing I ever do gives me these things in a sustaining manner. I can not produce these things on my own. It's because it is not about me. It is He. He is It.

1 Peter 2:5 says that we (those who have surrendered their lives to Christ), "as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood".

This is God's will for me: that He live in me and through me and that I live a holy life. Then my holy life fills another gap in a holy priesthood.

As a believer, the Bible says that God's Spirit lives in me. That is where holiness comes. That is why I am faced with those choices everyday. Every moment. It's me or Him. When I make choices for Him, in obedience to Him, He responds with endurance, hope, and peace. When I choose Him, I see God in action off the tips of my fingers. I hear God from the tip of my tongue.
When I get out of His way, He shows me His way.

It is then that I am not exhausted. It is then that I am not hopeless. It is then that I'm not bound by sin. It is then that this world is around me but not on top of me.

When I live as unto Him, I don't have to live at all. I don't have to meet anyone's standard. I don't have to answer anyone's expectation. I just get out of His way and He goes to work. My life is in vain if it is only lived for myself. And I can't do enough for anyone else without Him.

I believe if we all understood what He wants to do with us, why He made us, this world would be a better place. There wouldn't be millions of orphans around the world waiting for someone just to touch them once. There wouldn't be millions of dollars spent on entertainment why millions of people die from water that's not fit to drink.

And you wouldn't be hurting like you are, whoever you are. You wouldn't be searching for direction, answers, and hope.

You wouldn't be asking how to fix all your regrets. I wouldn't be grieved by mine.

God created us for holiness. So, I find myself having to choose, moment by moment even, to follow His way.

Lord forgive me when I choose me. Help me choose You. Help us all choose You.

Getting Uncomfortable

2009-09-13T15:34:00.003-04:00

Yea, it was time to make a change. Fall is approaching and it is my favorite time of year so I wanted my blog to reflect a little more of me. I love the fall because of the cool temperatures, football, camp outs, snuggling under blankets, settling in early in the evenings. Its just a great time of year and its almost here!

We are heavy into school now, working on more topics than we ever have before. I realized more and more what a privilege it is to show my kids how everything goes back to the Creator. All learning is motivated by knowing Him, understanding Him, and then making Him known to others. The more we learn together as a family of homeschoolers the more we understand Him and there is truly nothing greater. I'm so thankful that Christ has made it possible to personally know God. I hope that everyone who reads this has surrendered to the sacrifice and redemption that Christ became, that you too may personally know God.

The more I get to know Him the more I want to teach about Him. This is why I love my other students so much. I'm referring to what I call my "spiritual kids". My 8th graders is their official title. It's the same ones who were previously called my 7th graders. And even before that they were known as my 6th graders. Yea, they can't get away from me! I keep moving up with them because I can't imagine being anyone else's Sunday School teacher. Every week they give me the opportunity to teach them what God is teaching me.

We are now working through a study called "Get Uncomfortable". It really did make me uncomfortable this week as I prepared. There is so much injustice in the world. There is so much suffering all around while I sit comfortably at my nice computer with a snack beside me and my kids playing outside in my lovely yard. Anything I need is within arm's stretch basically while there are dying people of all ages all over the world. Should I feel bad that I have things that other's don't? NO. I know that "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father" James 1:17. So, why would this study make me uncomfortable?

It's because as my eyes begin to see, my heart begins to hurt. It is uncomfortable because God suffers with those who suffer. That is what it means to call Him compassionate. And He lives within me. As He brings me to an understanding of the oppression, injustices, and poverty of this fallen world it causes my heart to break.

Psalm 19:8 teaches that as believers follow God's precepts He enlightens their eyes.
This means we become of aware of what He sees.

Matt. 13:15 and Is. 6:9-10 teaches us that healing can not occur in people until our eyes are opened.

Nothing is gonna make a difference until we all open our eyes and allow our hearts to be captured by what it sees. Then if God resides in us we will be moved to compassion. It won't be the compassion that only exists in an emotion. It will be that of Christ which caused Him to action. It will cause us to move on someone else's behalf. It will cause us to get uncomfortable.

Please pray for my SS class as I challenge them to get uncomfortable and to act out their faith. And pray for me as I try to lead by example. May God be able to freely work through us all and that we have willing hearts to live out His calling.

Romania and such

2009-08-26T08:17:00.002-04:00

Hello! So sorry for the delay of this Romania report. Had to get some other things out of the way before sitting to blog. We started school last week and it has kept me quite busy.

Romania was fantastic! First of all, the flights were very easy for me considering I'm usually a nervous wreck on planes. I actually was not nervous on any of the 5 total flights. Also, we had NO problems with luggage or customs or passports. The traveling experience was easy and non stressful. I was so thankful for that.

Also, I only had 2 moments of real homesickness. Only 2 out of 10 days! And one of them was when I called home in the middle of the week (something I didn't expect to be able to do) to talk to Jeff and the kids. It was about 6:55 am American time. Jeff answered the phone out of his sleep and of course didn't recognize my voice being he was asleep and the call was very unexpected. When he answered I quickly explained that it was me, that I only had a couple of mins. to talk, and to hurry up and get the kids out of bed. This was his response: ".......(silence).....uh....they aren't here. They spent the night out last night."
Once I picked myself up off the floor and put the phone to my ear again I was fine. I then had a lovely conversation with my husband which then carried me the rest of the day until that evening when I called again to hear all their voices! After that day I was good until Sunday, which was when I came home. That was a great day!

Being in Romania gave me some great opportunities that I am so thankful for. Being in a different culture, speaking a different language, and living a different routine is quite eye opening. Getting to experience someone else's lifestyle will definitely change the way you see your own.

I was able to participate in teaching the older Romanians how to lead devotions during our worship times. This is very hard for them, a very uncomfortable thing for them to do. Their leadership is not supported especially in spiritual matters. But, when each of them got up to lead their assigned devotion, they blow us away. They are so spiritually mature in spite of the lack of support for their faith. They are so well spoken and bold. They were an inspiration to me.

I believe there were 9 decisions for Christ. That is wonderful but the thing that blessed me the most was seeing the growth in the ones who had made decisions in the past. Watching them flourish right before my eyes, amazing. It is what I hope to see the kids at my own church do, the ones in my own country.

That was the biggest revelation for me: what needs to happen in my own country, with my own people. It has challenged me to make a difference in the world directly around me.

I'm starting to make some changes with my ss class first. We have studied a lot about living like Jesus but I have done little to nothing to actually provide them with opportunities to live out their faith. I hope to be blogging about their acts of service periodically through this school year.

I hope to impact them the way I have been impacted. May no lessons that God ever teaches me be in vain!

PS. Thank you for your prayers during the trip. I know they were effective!

Today is the day! It's off to Romania

2009-07-30T07:51:00.002-04:00

Oh it is so cool. Me and about 16 others hit the skies toward Romania today. I'm pretty pumped! I've never been on a trip like this before. I will be with some pretty amazing people, including my niece Kayla. This is her first trip of this sort as well. God has really been preparing me and I'm so looking forward to what He is gonna do. I'm very interested to see the real reason why I'm going. If that sounds strange, it's because I have felt that God was gonna do some very unexpected things with me through this trip. I don't know for sure yet what will come of this in my life but I'm so thankful I'm getting to do it.

Please remember to pray for my peeps back home. Macie, 8, and Cody, 10 will be with their dad the whole time. This is a huge peace for me and I think they are quite relieved as well. They have not seemed anxious at all. Macie started getting a puny spirit last night but she also had been sick.

I'm praying that God will sustain their spirits and tremendously bless the time they have with Dad.

For Jeff, I'm praying that he will fully enjoy the children and have some much needed R/R over the 10 days. I think the time off will do him good and refresh him a bit. It has been a busy summer.

I'm praying that they all stay well and God protects them from any harm, for me as well.

For me, I pray that I don't have any issues that would get in the way of my ministering to the Romania people. I'm hopeful that I don't have any moments of anxiety, no migraines, or emotional collapses (from missing my babies). These are things that would interrupt my work and Satan would love that.

Lastly, pray please for the the Romanians. From what I've learned, they need to know the Father's love and the freedom that is found in Him.

Thank you for remembering this whole event in your prayers. Looking forward to sharing all that God does!!

Happy Birthday Puddin'

2009-07-28T09:21:00.003-04:00

Yes, Today is Jeff's birthday!!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love him? Yeah, it's crazy love. My love for him is constantly increasing. The longer we are together, the better it gets!

I know I have talked before about some of the reasons why I'm so in love with my husband, but I have a new example today. I'm leaving for Romania in 2 days and for the past couple of weeks I have been fighting with migraines, the first in my life. Well yesterday was the worst yet.

So this morning when he got up, he went immediately to prayer, praying for me for 40 mins.

My husband has carried me through so many trying times. He is such a source of strength and comfort for me.

When you know your husband is praying over you like that, it totally wraps you in peace.

So I want to celebrate him today, for his goodness, his servant heart, his loyalty, and his godliness.

I love you babe!!

John 10

2009-07-24T09:37:00.002-04:00

Did you know that once you confess Jesus as Lord of your life, you are counted as 1 of His sheep and can never be snatched from His hand? Isn't that a great truth to understand?

This week I have been studying John ch 10. Wow, its packed with treasure! If you haven't looked at it before, stop now and go read it. It will bless you so much.

Normally I try to put the scripture on the blog, but I just couldn't narrow it down enough. I couldn't condense it and still honor it the way it should be.

So I'll try my best to capture the diamonds in this mine, known as John 10.

Vs 7 Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep."

Before this comment Jesus had been telling the Jews that he who tried to enter by ways other than the door to the sheep were thieves and robbers. In other words, many try to gain access to heaven by ways that don't include faith in Jesus. But, to those who enter through the door would be led in by the shepherd (the doorkeeper, the door itself) to join the flock. He also explains that the flock follow Him because they know His voice and He calls them by name.

V 9 says that any who enter through Him will be saved. It is only by Jesus that you can be saved. The beautiful thing about that is heaven is not dependent on you. Jesus carries the key, you only have to believe that He is it.

V 10 says He came to give abundant life. Abundant life........if access to heaven isn't rewarding enough, He offers abundant life.

Friends, I don't have everything I want. My life is not always easy and there's not always peace around me. If you know me well at all you know the struggles my family has experienced. But, I can claim this: there is peace within. What greater gift, in this world, can a person have than peace? I have an abundant hope because of my relationship with Christ. I have that because, as vs 11 says, He laid down His life for me.

Now vss 14, 27, and 28 are probably my favorite. Vs 14 calls Jesus the Good Shepherd and says that He knows His own and His own know Him. He doesn't just know about you. He knows you inside and out, all the intricacies of your being. And if you re a believer, you can know Him the same.

Vs 27 says that you will know His voice and be able to follow Him. Jesus is not a mystery. It's a relationship and it brings a revelation of all that God is. And the best part of all is found in vs 28: He gives them (the sheep, believers) eternal life and they will never perish and no one will snatch them out of His hand! That is security and stability at its finest!

Please search the scripture for yourselves and let God remind you of how precious you are to Him.

My Baby is 10

2009-07-23T11:37:00.002-04:00

Oh my goodness, I can't believe Cody is 10 years old. Yep, today is his birthday, he's double digits now. Whoa!! Where has the time gone?

We are so very proud of Cody. Here is a list of amazing things about him:

Very imaginative: doesn't need to be entertained much, he can handle it by himself, and often chooses alone time to enjoy his own creative juices.

Definitely tenderhearted: is moved by the injustices around him and tends to separate himself from things that are obviously unrighteous. He internalizes everything and his heart becomes heavy easily. I pray God uses this to make him one who stands for what is right.

Wholly family oriented: he thrives on family activities, even if its just sitting together crackin up at Wipeout.

Godly: I do not say this pridefully. He loves the Lord, and the word. It is like a gift he has. He is drawn to Christianity and the day to day living out of one's faith. It is inspirational to us. He is quite the example to us all.

Repentant: When Cody messes up, he is truly brokenhearted over it. He does not do well when something isn't right between he and someone else and will often punish himself before we have a chance to.

Loving: Oh my, he is such a good brother to MayMay. Yeah, he aggravates her and sometimes treats her unfairly, but his goodness towards her far outweighs any wrong.

His Daddy's son: Other than the godly aspect, this is my favorite. He is just like Jeff. Same heart, same compassion, same servant qualities as his dad. It is such a blessing to me.

Talented: We are really starting to see his gift for music. He has been working at piano for a bit now, but he recently took on learning guitar. I pray he uses whatever talents God develops in him to bring Him glory.

So, we are so blessed to be Cody's parents. What a blessing he is to the world! We love you Cody. Happy Birthday!!

Miscellaneous What Nots

2009-07-17T09:27:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted much in the past week because I have been dealing with migraines. The first in my life. Not sure why I'm getting them but it really stinks!

The pics above are 2 of my sweet blessings. My friend Matt took them. If you think they are as great as I do check out his website: www.mattbryantphotography.com.

I wanted to throw a little shout out for my SS class. I had a get together at my house for them last Sat. I was so blessed to have them here. I was so proud for them even coming, we had a great crowd and they are so easy to be around. Sometimes they act ridiculous but they are such great kids and they don't really demand that much from me. I have been with this particular group for 2 years now and I can't imagine not being their teacher. I love em all so much!

So, we had a bad storm earlier this week which I think parked right over my house. Now, we have to get a new roof. How exciting.

Other needs we currently have:
a riding lawn mower (Jeff's knees are shot)
a desktop computer (our laptop bit the dust)

So, if anyone knows where we could get these for a very reasonable cost please advise!

Next random thought......I leave for Romania in less than 2 weeks. I'm gonna selfishly make a list of prayer request:
1. safe travel (I know that's obvious)
2. peace for me as I am far away from my family for 10 days. I am especially praying that I don't have any anxiety problems while I'm away
3. that the migraines have stopped, this is day 8 of them
4. most of all that I will be able to really focus on why God has me there, to serve Him.

so thanks for any prayers you lift on my behalf!

Praying for Kate

2009-07-06T08:42:00.002-04:00

Please visit the blog on my blog list titled "What I learned from the word today". You will find a video from parents of a 5 year old who needs our prayers. Lets all be praying for this family. Just imagine if she was yours.....

Weakness Perfected

2009-06-30T09:27:00.002-04:00

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me --to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Have you ever felt weak in your faith? Have you ever felt weak in your walk with Christ or your Christian example. I feel that way on a regular basis! Often I have felt that my sin was because I was weak. or spiritually immature (lacking wisdom, knowledge and discernment). That is true but today as I was studying this passage in 2 Corinthians God reminded me that if I was stronger than I am, powerful in my own self, would there be room for His power?

I often grieve over my sinful habits, knowing they pull me away from my Father, and knowing that with Christ comes freedom, not bondage. I long to live a sinless life, yet knowing it won't happen on this earth. So, it was pretty encouraging today as I was reminded that it is my failures, the thorns in my side, and my tendencies toward sin that invite God's power in my life. Just as Paul implored the Lord for relief, I have begged God to rescue me and to set my upright. But what happens then? Would He still find me at His feet regularly? Not likely. When we have it all together do we seek Him? Not typically. It truly is my weaknesses (and there are many) that cause me to call out to El Shaddai, the All-Sufficient One. May I never be sufficient in myself and loose sight of my overwhelming need for a Savior.

Paul described himself as "most gladly" and "well content" with his weaknesses. May I rejoice in my desperation for Christ and in ALL things that bring me to Him!

Ode to Jeff

2009-06-21T13:22:00.002-04:00

Seriously, Jeff has to be the most incredible guy I know! It's not that I'm playing favorites or anything, it's just that he IS the best. So I might be a little biased since I'm married to him, but nonetheless, he's incredible. I think Jeff is such a great guy because on the inside he is about 11 years old. Goofy is only slightly descriptive. He is very witty when you least expect it. He is very tenderhearted and I love that he has passed that on to Cody. He is also pretty tough and it comes out at just the right moment. He is one of the most humble men I know. He loves what is right and is not ashamed of what is good. He is a man of conviction and has kept me grounded when I needed it the most. I wonder, often, why God matched us up, me so undeserving of one so great. I think it is because God knew that it would take someone as special as Jeff to put up with someone like me. I'm so thankful for him. And just a side note, he has some seriously buff arms that I love. Had to mention it!

I love you Puddin'! Happy Father's Day from us all!

............Product of Sorrow

2009-06-13T09:18:00.002-04:00

Paul writes to the Corinthians, 7:8-11:

For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it--for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while--I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.

God's word to us, His written letter to us can be quite confronting. It pierces to the deepest part of the soul and can bring us to our knees. I have thought at times that it is too hard to "do it right". Too hard to be all that God expects because I am constantly grieving over the sin that hinders me. The sin I choose to do. The sin I sometimes can't get past without some intent leading from the Holy Spirit. And it all brings me to great sorrow in my heart.

There are times when others, particularly my wonderful husband, make a comment to me that just seems to shed a light on a darkness within me. And ouch, it hurts. It's that same feeling that I get when I'm sitting in service on a Sunday morning and it as if the whole lesson preached was just for me, just to bring me to the altar for some cleansing.

I have often wished that I could keep everything about me to myself and never really have to deal with the not so pretty parts of my heart. But then as I read through this scripture today I realized why it is so important that I experience sorrow. It is critical for me to be unhappy with my sin because it brings me to a point of repentance. My sorrow is based on the will of God and protects me from suffering loss as I repent. I want to protect all that God has blessed me with. I want to be a good steward of it all in hopes that God will not withhold His blessings from me.

"For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret."

Wouldn't it be wonderful to live a life in repentance to God that produces no regret. I certainly can not claim that now but I like to think it is possible. I want my sin to cause me to grieve so that I will be miserable until it is purged from me. Oh, how much more God could do with me!

I want to live a life as described in vs 11: earnestness, vindication, indignation, fear, longing, zeal,
avenging of wrong. What a powerful life that would be!

So it is my prayer that I would never be numb to the sorrow that sin brings. I encourage you to give thanks for the sorrow that brings a product of righteousness.

.........The Ministry of Reconciliation

2009-06-11T11:44:00.002-04:00

It is a funny thing the way God works to show us His truths and to remind us of His plan. As I have mentioned recently, I am studying 2 Corinthians and am now in ch. 5. In my last post I wrote about the struggles of a relationship and how necessary it was to work through them and how thankful I am that it was resolved in spite of it being rather difficult. Then God so gently reminded me today of the responsibility we have to be reconciled with others. His timing is comical to me sometimes.

2 Corinthians 5:18-21 Now all these things are from God, who
reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry
of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the
world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and
He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we
are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal
through us: we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might
become the righteousness of God in Him.

There are so many statements in this passage that pierce my heart. I am grateful that the challenges of this week are behind me or this scripture would have really hurt! :)

The first revelation for me is that I have been given the ministry of reconciliation. And I was given it the moment that it personally happened for me. The moment I felt God's love pour over me enveloping me in His goodness and I completely surrendered to it. So, then it became my mission to participate in reconciliation as a continued manifestation of God in my life. In simpler terms, I am to do what God has done for me.

I highlighted the words in red because it is through the blood of Christ that reconciliation is possible. His blood was shed for me. The process was painful, it was ugly, it was agonizing, but it was necessary.

Reconciliation is hard at times. It can get ugly but it will never be too much to ask of me. It will never require my life. I have such a different perspective on this issue now. I love seeing how everything God has done for me is a reminder of who I am, in return, suppose to be for Him. He created me in His image and I should resemble Him in all that I do.

"Not counting their trespasses against them". Ok, that's only slightly convicting.....Not! That is a huge blow! How many times I add up all the offenses against me culminating to a blockage in my heart while in the midst God sees me through the blood of His son that reconciled me to Him. Ouch!!

He has committed to me the word of reconciliation. I think I have dropped the ball on this one more times than I can count. It should be my ambition to not only reconcile my own relationships for the sake of the ministries I'm involved in but also to exemplify reconciliation through Christ to God. That is really what it is all about. The world needs to know that it is possible to be reconciled to God and I need to resemble this process. After all, I am an ambassador for Christ.

I love how God's word is so practical and how it is powerful enough to change me. If you haven't experienced God's word in a life-changing way I suggest you dive in deeper. He has so much for each of us!

..........Fights Worth Having

2009-06-10T13:39:00.002-04:00

This has been a long and taxing week so far. I woke up Monday morning expecting to meet with some friends about youth camp next week. Little did I know that one of the people who I was meeting with had a lot more on his mind than camp. He and I have had some....let's say.....some moments of frustration with one another which had the potential to blow up at some point down the road. Neither had really done anything to the other, specifically, so it has just been this ugly thing that has consistently produced a discontentment between us. Well, apparently he had had enough and was ready to just have it out and put an end to it. I was blind sided. Truthfully I was completely happy not ever hashing it out with him, but now I realize that is just what Satan would have me do. You see, we are a team with basically the same goals and, I believe, can work together to accomplish some great things under God's leading and working in us. But with this ugly wedge between us, God's work is hindered. With walls being built between us, connections were being severed. My friend had enough guts to get real with me so we could reestablish what was being torn down. It took 3 days, some heavy and awkward conversations, and some heart to heart, get real moments to have a breakthrough, but it did happen. And I thank him greatly for that.

I have realized some truths about ministry. It is not easy. When you are called into ministry you are signing up for war. You are accepting the draft and surrendering to a different cause. A cause greater than yourself. Satan knows the power of believers in bringing forth God's will if they are obedient to Him. I believe he has some pretty good tactics and he was shooting arrows right at us.

Friends, some fights are worth having. Relationships, especially those in the context of ministry, are strong forces for the Lord. I think these relationships have a bulls eye right in the heart and arrows are on the way. Churches are falling apart, ministry divisions within the church are crumbling, and God appointed teams are losing the battle. Relationships are hard to hold onto but the kind that God designs are worthy of every effort we have.

No matter how uncomfortable something can be, or how hard something is to manage, swallowing our pride and breaking down the walls is so necessary.

Don't let the battle go without a solid effort toward victory. Again, some fights are worth having!

................Confident Adequacy in God

2009-06-04T14:44:00.005-04:00

Am I adequate? That's a loaded question with a very simple answer: No, I am not.
I have been reading a book by Lou Giglio called, I am not but I know I AM. It's all about the differences between ourselves and God--all that we aren't , and all that He IS. Then today in my Bible study I began working through Ch 3 of 2 Corinthians and I came to the following verses:

4 Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, 6 who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit: for the letter kills but the Spirit gives life.

Our confidence is through Christ and toward God--without Him there's no confidence. This confidence is the kind that is gained from the object of the confidence having proven its reliability. God proved Himself to us through His sacrificial act of sending His Son to die that we might live. It was and continues to be the greatest act of service ever done for man. This is why our confidence is unshaken.

Nothing originates in us. Our adequacy is from God. We are adequate because of the confidence we have in God, Through Christ. But what are we adequate for? Adequate to serve. Bottom line. To serve Christ, the new covenant. This is all I am adequate to do--to serve Him.

Everything I achieve is a result of Him, nothing from within myself because I am INadequate to do anything apart from Him. As I obey the Lord, the Lord accomplishes things through me. When I joined in a covenant relationship with Him by putting my trust in Him and accepting His Lordship over me, I became completely adequate to serve Him. That also means I am adequate to obey. My obedience, my service to God brings about His will in my life. So, my adequacy goes back to Him, the originator and completer of all things.

Now, is this good news or bad news? It's excellent news! Nothing is dependent on my performance, only my obedience. My inadequacy is confidently perfected in His adequacy.

So, am I a good parent? Am I a good wife? Am I a good friend? Am I a good teacher?

These are irrelevant questions. The real question is am I obedient? Am I serving the Lord? The success of my roles come confidently through HIS adequacy.

Phil 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

..........My Piano Man

2009-06-02T09:19:00.004-04:00

Last night was the end of the year piano recital for Cody. We were so proud of him as he played in front of everyone and then stood at the end to receive an award that he did not know he was getting. As you can see in the pic, he received a bronze medal for being an "outstanding student". Cody LOVES piano. He never has to be prodded to work on his assignments. When we moved I gave the kids freedom to choose how to decorate their rooms. He chose music with piano the main theme. I'm so thankful that both of my children love music. It is such a wonderful way to express our emotions towards God. Music can bring out our most inner emotions and connect us to God in such a pure way. I never really learned music theory, or any instrument and I regret that. So it pleases me so much to see it as a part of our families' life. Cody is gifted with musical talent and I praise God for it!

..............Home Sweet Home

2009-05-30T08:34:00.003-04:00

That is what it is: SWEET!! We love our new place! It is so strange to say that, "our new place". It is everything I could ask for. I'm exhausted from continuing to unpack and sort through and organize, but I couldn't be happier. Last night Jeff and I sat on our private back deck and watched the kids play in the incredible yard. Then we joined them for a game of baseball. So much fun and all I could think about is that we would have nights like those all summer long in our very own place.

The closing went so smoothly, nothing like the SC ordeal that I have tried to bury in history. It made our move to Thomasville so complete. I don't know why the process had to take so long, but the joy in my heart now overshadows the rocky road that led here.

The kids are enjoying the uniqueness of their own spaces. I did their bedrooms to fit their personalities and it has been great to see them having fun with their rooms. I am currently organizing my school space and laundry/craft room. Jeff will be starting to organize his workshop today and I am so thrilled for him to have that.

God has blessed us so much in this home and we are so grateful.

I have to put a shout out for everyone who has sweat for us over here helping us to make this place our home. We truly have incredible friends!!

............Not a rental, but a HOME!

2009-05-20T07:01:00.002-04:00

Today we get the keys to our new place. It is like Christmas in my heart. I couldn't sleep last night waiting for the morning to come. I couldn't force myself to try to sleep anymore past 6 am. So much is stirring in my mind. Mostly the fact that today I will have access to a place that is really mine. I will paint what ever colors I want. I will make changes to suit our family and I won't have to check with a landlord first. I will stand in a home and not a rental, and it will be my own family's home. Why is this so important to me? I am a homemaker. This is what I have been called to be. And today I will gain full reign in a home I can make my own. My heart leaps at the thought of all I can do for Jeff, Cody, and Macie in this place. So much I have wanted for them over the past 2 years, but didn't have the freedom to do. So many times the kids have sacrificed, without complaint, as we have uprooted them again and again. In this home, God has granted us back all that we left behind and more (in our old home). I can hardly imagine what today will be like as my friends and I prepare this place for our future there. I can't wait to see all that we own, all that came with us to this town, things we haven't seen in 2 years b/c it has been in storage. Jeff, the kids, and I will be reacquainted with hobbies we haven't been able to enjoy, pictures we have missed on our walls, and memories we stored away for awhile. I am rejoicing today!

Birthday Girl

2009-05-15T14:44:00.002-04:00

Eight years I have had with this monkey! She hoots and hollers like one. She jumps around and goofs off like one. And she makes a racket when she doesn't get what she wants like one. Yep! She is a monkey in disguise. But I could not love and adore her anymore. She is the most fun to be with. I have learned so much about life and God from being her mom. Here is a list of things I've noticed lately about her:

Definitely has a motherly instinct beneath that tough outer core.

Is an evangelist at heart.

Desperately wants to please us and God and is trying diligently to make good choices.

Looks really cute in pigtails.

Can catch fish like nobody's business.

Is more amazing than ever (that's a daily development)!

I love her intensely. I can't wait to see what God has planned for her. She could change the world!

The Big 8 (preview)

2009-05-15T08:55:00.001-04:00

I will post more on this later, but for now Happy Birthday Macie!!!!!!!!!!!

..............The Prayers of a Child

2009-04-26T14:58:00.003-04:00

Does it really get any better than hearing your children pray? Is anything more powerful? I think not! My son has always been a prayer warrior. What I mean by that is he has always had faith in prayer: that it is necessary and effective. Lately, my daughter has shown some maturity in her prayer life. When they pray, they fully believe that God is real, that He is listening, and that their prayers will be answered one way or another. Yesterday in the car Macie begins to explain to me that she wants to go to the altar on Sunday to pray. I tried to explain to her that praying at the altar is not a planned event, that it is not done for "show", and that the Holy Spirit would guide her at the right time for that kind of praying. She asked that if she wanted to do that, would it be okay with me. I said yes, but she needed to be careful about her motives. So, today I totally anticipated her heading to the front so that "her friends could gather around her" as she put it yesterday. Well, the invitation started, but instead of a tug from Macie I hear Cody whisper, "Mom, can you go with me to the front so I can pray about our new home?" I knew instantly it was God leading the three of us to His altar. The wonderful thing about it is that we gathered and bowed before Him, my children led us in prayer. I didn't say a word. God had not led me to the altar, but my sweet children. They both prayed and I treasured the moment in my heart.

As my family continues to face hardships, including a new diagnosis of prostate cancer in my stepfather's life, I rest in the freedom and privilege of prayer. And who did I ask first to begin to pray? My little prayer warriors!!

I encourage you to teach your children to pray, not by script or etiquette or design, but by faith. Let them hear you communicate with your Savior. Let them see your complete assurance of your audience, the Creator of the universe and show them that it is totally appropriate to share everything with God and to hold nothing back. Remind them consistently that there is nothing unimportant to Him and He should always be our source for answers. Let them see you bowed before God.

...........It's a New Day for the Hudler's

2009-04-24T20:18:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone,
I post with a joyous heart tonight as we signed the final copy of a new contract for our next home today. This has been a long time coming and we feel like it is a new day for us. Many may react with, "wow, already". But, understand we have been praying for our next home for more than 2 years and God made it clear to us both what house it would be as soon as we were free from the other one. He is blessing us in so many ways in this new home. It is nothing grand or spectacular to the average person, but believe me it is full of my heart's desires. God is granting so many things I have longed for in the waiting. This place has 2 toilets and a dishwasher: never again will I take those things for granted. But it's not just the obvious. He is giving me a place to renew old hobbies, sewing and drawing. Most of my friends do not know that I do either because I haven't had the opportunity or space since we moved here. He is giving Jeff a wired, very large and separate workshop. Most do not know that Jeff is an amateur woodworker because he has not seen his woodworking tools in 2 years. We will have a separate school room which we have never had except for a short 3 mo. time period last school year. He is giving us ample space for guests and gatherings, which is something very important to us. And the blessings go on and on. GOD IS GOOD.

So many of you have prayed us through this entire journey. There have been so many bumps in the road. I can not express my gratitude for all the encouragement you have given us. Now we can finally say that we are truly North Carolinians!

I also wanted to post about Brannon. He had another surgery yesterday to repair some things that had gone wrong with the ostomy. This little guy has been through so much. This is the 4th surgery since the fall. Please continue to pray for his healing, and specifically pain control.

The Wait is Over!

2009-04-20T22:21:00.002-04:00

Yes, the wait is over! I still have not been able to truly process that we no longer own a home in SC. I think it will set in tomorrow. But, none the less, God has delivered us!!

Thank you to everyone who has been to the Throne on our behalf over the past 2 years. We appreciate every prayer lifted regarding this journey we have been on.

Now, we search for our own home in NC. WhooHoo!!!!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-04-16T20:39:00.002-04:00

Ok,.......it is like we are sitting at the table, having not had a meal in a while, and we can smell the food. Our mouths are watering and our stomachs are turning in great anticipation of the feast yet to come.

This is how I feel tonight.

We got the call today. Our closing is scheduled for Monday at 11am! We are 4 days away from a 2 1/2 year journey coming to a close. My heart wants to rejoice but I hesitate until I walk away, literally and figuratively closing that door behind me.

Tomorrow the wood inspection will be done. There is nothing else left.

So, we have to make it through this weekend, and then we feast!!

Amazing Scripture about an Amazing God

2009-04-15T10:49:00.004-04:00

Before I fill this post with scripture I want to say that I am amazed by God. Nothing I ever feel, think, imagine or do compares to Him. No problem I ever face or anxiety I ever experience is out of His command. Today I have been reminded that He goes before me, consumes me, and waits in the wind behind me. And because of that, He is completely sufficient in my life.

Isaiah 40:12-31
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, and marked off the heavens by the span, and calculated the dust of the earth by the measure, and weighed the mountains in a balance and the hills in a pair of scales? 13 Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord, or as His counselor has informed Him? 14 With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding? And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge and informed Him of the way of understanding? 15 Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales: behold, He lifts up the islands like fine dust. 16 Even Lebanon is not enough to burn, nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering. 17 All the nations are as nothing before Him, they are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless. 18 To whom then will you liken God? Or what likeness will you compare with Him? 19 As for the idol, a craftsman casts it, a Goldsmith plates it with gold, and a silversmith fashions chains of silver. 20 He who is too impoverished for such an offering selects a tree that does not rot: He seeks out for himself a skillful craftsman to prepare an idol that will not totter. 21 Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been declared to you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth? 22 It is He who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers, who stretches out the heavens like a curtain and spreads them out like a tent to dwell in. 23 It is He who reduces rulers to nothing, who makes the judges of the earth meaningless. 24 Scarcely have they been planted, scarcely have they been sown, scarcely has their stock taken root in the earth, but He merely blows on them, and they wither, and the storm carries them away like stubble. 25 "To whom then will you liken Me that I would be his equal?" says the Holy One. 26 lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, the One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing. 27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due me escapes the notice of my God"? 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. 29 He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. 30 Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, 31 yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Rest, friends, in the greatness of God!

Mistakes

2009-04-11T18:56:00.002-04:00

I often find myself regretting something I've said or done. Actually, it is usually something I've said. I have that disease called spill mouth. If you are fortunate enough to not know anything about it, I'll be happy to fill you in. It is a syndrome in which one momentarily, and unexpectedly loses complete control of their tongue. It results in inconsiderate words, nonsense talk, and flat out rudeness (also exemplifies selfish pride). Typically I am able to live a normal life without the influence of this disease in my daily activities. However, I had a relapse last night. No need to go into details, because who really wants to tell on themselves, but I have recovered today. The good news about this illness is that there is a cure! It is called discernment and is administered straight into the heart by the Holy Spirit. If can be painful but is a sure fix.

Okay, seriously. If you know me at all you know that I am a very transparent person. Unfortunately transparency can bite you in the butt sometimes. I think I am too honest at times with the people I love and I end up causing them to be uncomfortable in one way or another. This has always been a struggle for me. BTW--if you have ever been affected by this I apologize to you now. Please forgive me and know that it is completely unintentional.
So, as I lay in bed last night trying desperately to fall asleep, I was recounting the night and thinking about 2 particular instances that I wished I could change. That led me to think about God and how much He has to put up with in my life. As my blog title suggest, it is truly my desire for others to see Christ in me, and to learn who He is through my life. I hate it when I mess up because I realize that it is a moment that I'm only confirming my self instead of Him.
I was reminded of how I completely don't deserve the salvation that He has given me in Christ.

Romans 6:23 says " For the wages of sin is death,

but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I'm so grateful for the FREE gift of eternal life. If I had to earn it I would be in serious trouble. If you have ever thought that you aren't good enough for God, read the next verse:

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith;

and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;

not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Well I have absolutely nothing to boast about except what God has done. And I'm so thankful that my piddly works don't matter much to God when it comes to my salvation. He demands my belief, but not my accomplishments. Hopefully, the works that I do are confirming who He is to me and causing others to be interested in Him, but it is good that they aren't the key to my eternity.

I hope you realize that God has a gift for you, and it cost you nothing. Christ already paid the price. So take it, and be free!!

Roots

2009-04-10T19:18:00.004-04:00

I know I seem a little manic the way I keep changing my blog look. I just can't find the one that really fits me. I'm gonna settle with this for a while so hope its somewhat appealing.

So the Lord has been tugging at me about my nonstop complaining on this blog. I feel like I haven't really ministered to anyone and that I have just used it as a source for venting. I promise to go back to the roots of this blog which were to share a bit of God with my readers. At least to who He is to me.

So stay tuned and please forgive my self-centeredness!

Hello

2009-04-09T17:26:00.003-04:00

Hi Hudler Fans, all 2 of you! I know some of you are wondering what's going on with us and the house and babies and all that. I've been waiting to post hoping that I would have some news, but since it's been a while I figure it's time to give an update.

The house:
We have not closed yet. Contract is still in effect. Underwriter STILL has the loan and we are waiting for final approval and then a closing to be scheduled.
We have started to look at houses and have some really good choices so that has been encouraging. As soon as we close I will post it so all will know!

Babies:
We have definitely settled on Jeff having a reversal done, however, who knew the expenses of that? Not us!
So for now it's on hold until we get settled with house stuff.

Brannon:
He is doing well though still struggling with set backs. He homeschools with us every day and it is going very well. He has made one very significant improvement that was not expected so we are so thankful for that.

If you feel led, please continue to pray for the closing as we long everyday for it to happen. When I say we I mean all 4 of us. We are so ready to celebrate!

some good news!

2009-03-23T20:20:00.002-04:00

We heard from our realtor today. Someone more capable got a hold of our paperwork for closing and is pushing it through. We should be closing by end of next week or sooner. WhooHoo!!

We also have found a house we really like (hint hint Mandy) and will start looking more intently on possibly purchasing. This is quite a mood lifter for me in the midst of the waiting.

Soon I will be screaming in big bold letters that we have closed. Can't wait!!